Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Custom Fireplace Store Totally Jumps Gentrification Gun

PHILADELPHIA—Despite modest increases in the west Philadelphia neighborhood’s property values over the past several years, residents of Walnut Hill told reporters Monday that the proprietors of Fireside Connections have definitely jumped the g...

Tips For Baby-Proofing Your Home

Babies spend the first year of life exploring their surroundings by tasting and touching, which is why it’s essential for parents to be diligent in protecting them.

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t like to let dust and clutter pile up for too long, area man Justin Buntz informed reporters Wednesday that he gives his one-bedroom apartment a thorough cleaning once every relationship.

Your Dream Home!

Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better.
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Man Not Sure Why Girlfriend Having Him Hang Cluster Of Empty Picture Frames But Willing To Go With It

ANN ARBOR, MI—After receiving the mystifying task of hanging an array of nine empty picture frames of various sizes on the couple’s living room wall Thursday, local man Jake Montalvo reportedly admitted that while he wasn’t sure where his girlfriend, Celeste Ladd, was headed with this idea, he was at least willing to go along with it. “Is this kind of what you were thinking?” asked the man tentatively while positioning the frames in a straight line, prompting laughter and a swift correction from Ladd as he struggled to comprehend her puzzling vision. “Oh, like, all together in a bunch? With the little red one down there? Uh, okay, I guess.” At press time, Ladd directed Montalvo’s attention to an old, weathered tin box, which he deduced was either garbage she wanted him to throw away or a central decorative element in some master plan that he was still straining to unravel.


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