HOUGHTON, MI—Saying he could hardly believe how much the young man had changed over the past eight years, a visibly sentimental FBI counterterrorism agent fondly recalled Tuesday watching 20-year-old Muslim-American Omar Haddad grow up.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In an effort to help his students develop inaccurate perceptions of their talents, University of Virginia creative writing professor Alan Erickson told reporters Monday that he takes the time to provide each and every one of them with personalized false hope.
NEW YORK—After his laptop suddenly stopped working earlier this week, chronically anxious man Henry Geller, 36, confirmed to reporters how nice it was to have an actual problem to worry about for a change.
AL-SHATI, GAZA STRIP—Saying he hardly recognized some of the makeshift buildings and piles of rubble he played in as a child, Gaza native Ramzy Abu-Dhubah told reporters Tuesday he was struck by how much the refugee camp he grew up in has changed over the years.
FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...
PORTLAND, ME—In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death.
MERIDIAN, ID—Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch.
CLOVIS, NM—Describing him as a normal, well-adjusted individual in nearly every respect, acquaintances of 32-year-old Gary Morgan confirmed Monday that the otherwise reasonable man earnestly believes the U.S.
MOBILE, AL—Saying the memories they made today would last the rest of their lives, gay couple Jeremy Newell and Aaron Mitchum of Mobile, AL confirmed Monday that they had always dreamed of getting married surrounded by hostility.
ROUND ROCK, TX—Having made repeated claims that he holds himself to a higher standard than anyone else does, local man Nathan Tullman, 37, remains under the mistaken impression that he is his own harshest critic, reports confirmed Tuesday.
RICHBORO, PA—Saying that no other fact about him elicits more interest and attention from others, local man Travis Whitaker explained to reporters Friday how all of his numerous accomplishments are routinely overshadowed by his hefty birth weight of...
MINNEAPOLIS—Acknowledging it was unlikely that he would encounter any more big surprises at this point, local man Eric Gibson told reporters Thursday that he is now old enough to know pretty much how the rest of his life is going to play out.
ALBANY, NY—Citing a range of severe symptoms including hallucinations, disorientation, and disorganized speech, the Albany County Department of Mental Health said Wednesday that local man Shawn Zellicoff will be involuntarily committed to the 125 Cl...
INDIANAPOLIS—Sources from across the nation confirmed Friday that the heartwarming story of Indianapolis Colts scout team player Marcus Newsome, a 31-year-old linebacker who realized his NFL dream five years after being diagnosed with a rare autoimm...
OSAKA, JAPAN—Reflecting on a long life that began at the end of the 19th century, the world’s oldest woman told reporters Monday that she could not be happier that every other human on earth the day she was born is now deceased.
MINNEAPOLIS—Making repeated claims this week that he could really use a break from being around people, local copywriter Jonathan Maynard has, by all accounts, somehow come to the conclusion that he does not have enough alone time in his life.
MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—Admitting he has “mellowed out a bit” with age, 54-year-old militant jihadist Adil Jalal Kalmati confided to reporters Wednesday that he now finds himself far less enraged by Western culture than he did in his younger...
SLATSBURY, OH—Sharing tender smiles with each other as they recounted the story they will one day tell their grandchildren, sweethearts Beth Adelwright and Jason Knelberg told reporters Friday how they met underneath the same small table during an a...
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Despite being overcome by a profound realization just minutes earlier that challenged his long-held beliefs and promised to forever alter his daily existence, sources confirmed that 42-year-old Thomas Wilson’s epiphany had full...
WARNER ROBINS, GA—Saying that it should take up an adequate amount of the 67-year-old’s remaining time on earth, sources confirmed Thursday that local retiree Ned McDowell has chosen gardening as the hobby to tide him over until his death.
SAVANNAH, GA—Admitting he no longer had the energy to keep his negative emotions completely in check, local man James Franklin told reporters Monday that he was now too exhausted to repress both his anger and sadness.
SHIVELY, KY—Unafraid to mingle at length with an ordinary blue-collar worker, local media consultant Darrel Palmer, a true hero of the common man, reportedly spoke to plumber Pete Worlan through all 38 minutes of the repairman’s Wednesday morn...
DENVER—Despite calling it his dream job and spending years imagining how personally satisfying it would be to work in the field, Joshua Lucas told reporters this week that his lifelong goal to work at a major record label was no match for his first ...
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
ORLANDO, FL—Leaving no trace of his attendance at the industry conference, American Academy of Periodontology Annual Convention attendee Bill Hancock reportedly removed his name tag Thursday and instantly vanished back into the world of anonymous Hilton Orlando guests.
CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.
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‘Gammy’ To Some, ‘Nana’ To Others: A Grandmother’s Story