adBlockCheck

Tae Kwon Do Instructor Gets Little Thrill Out Of Pairing Off Completely Mismatched 8-Year-Olds

Top Headlines

human interest

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Man Under Mistaken Impression He His Own Harshest Critic

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having made repeated claims that he holds himself to a higher standard than anyone else does, local man Nathan Tullman, 37, remains under the mistaken impression that he is his own harshest critic, reports confirmed Tuesday.

Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus

ALBANY, NY—Citing a range of severe symptoms including hallucinations, disorientation, and disorganized speech, the Albany County Department of Mental Health said Wednesday that local man Shawn Zellicoff will be involuntarily committed to the 125 Cl...

Athlete’s Heartwarming Story Fucking Sucks

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources from across the nation confirmed Friday that the heartwarming story of Indianapolis Colts scout team player Marcus Newsome, a 31-year-old linebacker who realized his NFL dream five years after being diagnosed with a rare autoimm...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Tae Kwon Do Instructor Gets Little Thrill Out Of Pairing Off Completely Mismatched 8-Year-Olds

KANNAPOLIS, NC—Describing the practice as a fun way to liven up what are often routine and repetitive classes, local tae kwon do instructor Chris Fergus told reporters Friday he always gets a little thrill from partnering up two completely mismatched 8-year-olds during sparring sessions. “Whenever I need a little pick-me-up, I always look for the most timid kid in the class—one whose robe is usually falling off his shoulders because he’s probably no more than 45 pounds—and put him up against a big, aggressive kid in the middle of a growth spurt, and then just sit back and watch the show,” said Fergus, explaining how, after a minute or so of lopsided combat, he likes to pull aside the smaller of the two to remind him of several self-defense fundamentals and tell him to “remember that strength comes from focus, not size,” before sending him back onto the mat to get knocked around some more. “To be honest, I’m usually already eyeing which ones I want to pit against each other before I even start the day’s lesson. Man, just to see the look on the tiny one’s face when he tries to put up his hands in a blocking stance but still takes a reverse hook kick right to the chest—it never fails to brighten my day.” At press time, Fergus was reportedly trying to suppress a smile after a hesitant, barely 4-foot-tall bespectacled child walked into the studio for his first day of yellow-belt class.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close