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human interest

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Man Under Mistaken Impression He His Own Harshest Critic

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having made repeated claims that he holds himself to a higher standard than anyone else does, local man Nathan Tullman, 37, remains under the mistaken impression that he is his own harshest critic, reports confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man Considers Self Ally To Women Unless They Threaten His Status In Literally Any Way

PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever. “I would definitely describe myself as a feminist [insofar as that designation means that I don’t have to change any of my behaviors or attitudes in the slightest],” said MacKinnon, adding that as long as they don’t rise to an equal position, get promoted before he does, or even challenge him in a meeting, he regularly goes out of his way to help his female colleagues in the workplace. “We all have to do our part. When I see an injustice against a woman, I speak up about it [unless it might make me come across as weak in front of my male peers], and I will stand up for women’s progress each and every day [provided that, in the end, I still retain a level of gender-based privilege for the remainder of my life].” MacKinnon went on to say that he could not be more disappointed, at least in the company of women, that we did not elect a female president.

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