Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

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Hurricane Sandy

Lone Doofus Has Been Waiting 36 Hours For Next C Train

BROOKLYN, NY—Despite the fact that all New York City subway service has been shut down since Sunday night due to Hurricane Sandy, area doofus Matt Crumskey has reportedly spent the past 36 hours waiting for the next C train to arrive at the Broadway...

Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy

With Hurricane Sandy shuttering schools, businesses, and transit services up and down the East Coast, tens of millions of Americans have been left to wait out the storm indoors.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Area Man

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

Relief agencies, businesses, and government are banding together with volunteers and local citizens to rebuild communities hit hard by Hurricane Sandy. Here are some of their recovery efforts:

  • Telling those without power what’s happening on their favorite shows
  • Electing new government officials to replace waterlogged ones
  • Investing in one large sandbag instead of wasting time with many small ones
  • Constructing coastal low-income housing as bulwark against future storms hitting their communities again
  • Air Wick producing urine-scented aerosol to restore New York City subways to their natural scent
  • Fortifying coastal sand castles
  • Reerecting the Avalon Woods condo development from the ground up, except for unit 12-B, where those awful fucking Donaldsons lived
  • Clearing and replacing downed tree branches with memorial glass tree branches
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