Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

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Hurricane Sandy

Lone Doofus Has Been Waiting 36 Hours For Next C Train

BROOKLYN, NY—Despite the fact that all New York City subway service has been shut down since Sunday night due to Hurricane Sandy, area doofus Matt Crumskey has reportedly spent the past 36 hours waiting for the next C train to arrive at the Broadway...

Superstorm Sandy Kills 38

Though downgraded to a post-tropical cyclone, Sandy has left 38 U.S. residents dead, cut electricity to 8.2 million, flooded large swaths of the Eastern Seaboard, and prompted President Obama to declare a “major disaster” in New York and New J...

Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy

With Hurricane Sandy shuttering schools, businesses, and transit services up and down the East Coast, tens of millions of Americans have been left to wait out the storm indoors.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

Relief agencies, businesses, and government are banding together with volunteers and local citizens to rebuild communities hit hard by Hurricane Sandy. Here are some of their recovery efforts:

  • Telling those without power what’s happening on their favorite shows
  • Electing new government officials to replace waterlogged ones
  • Investing in one large sandbag instead of wasting time with many small ones
  • Constructing coastal low-income housing as bulwark against future storms hitting their communities again
  • Air Wick producing urine-scented aerosol to restore New York City subways to their natural scent
  • Fortifying coastal sand castles
  • Reerecting the Avalon Woods condo development from the ground up, except for unit 12-B, where those awful fucking Donaldsons lived
  • Clearing and replacing downed tree branches with memorial glass tree branches
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