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ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change

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Nation Comes To Halt To Watch Crane Move Massive Concrete Tube

NEW YORK—Stopping dead in their tracks and pausing to take in the scene unfolding above them, the entire country reportedly came to a halt Thursday morning to watch an industrial crane move a massive concrete tube across a construction site.The big crane and concrete tube, which have brought the country to a standstill.

Conference Call Going Awesome

NEW YORK—Sources at the NuVista advertising agency have confirmed only moments ago that the ongoing conference call with headquarters in...

I'm A Cloud Factory!

Puff ... puff ... puff ... Hey, everybody, look at me! No, don't look around you—look up! Up here! It's me, the...

American Torturing Jobs Increasingly Outsourced

WASHINGTON, DC—AFL-CIO vice president Linda Chavez-Thompson, representing the American Federation of Interrogation Torturers, released a statement Monday deriding the CIA's "extraordinary rendition" program, under which American torturing jobs are outsourced to foreign markets. "Outsourcing the task of interrogating terror suspects to countries like Egypt, Syria, and Saudi Arabia is having a crippling effect on the Americans who make a living by stripping detainees nude, shackling them to the floor, and beating the living shit out of them," Chavez-Thompson said. "And specialists within the field—corrosive-material chemists, ocular surgeons, and testicular electricians—are lucky to find any jobs at all. How are they supposed to feed their families?" Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defended extraordinary rendition, saying the program will create jobs in the long run by fostering a global climate of torture tolerance.

Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "safeguard our precious wildlands for future generations of SUV ads," the Department of the Interior set aside two million acres in Wyoming and Colorado for use in car commercials Monday. "If we do not protect this land," Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton said, "we may one day have no place for Dodge Rams to run wild and free."

Actually, On-The-Job Safety Is A Laughing Matter

As a factory metalworker, I enjoy almost limitless opportunities to be maimed or killed. The Red River plant where I work has its own foundry, smelting plant, steel-forming works, welding line, pipe-bending assembly room, and dozens of other accumulations of heavy industrial equipment capable of removing fingers and heads. It's a good thing, then, that management makes the effort to post signs reminding us that "On-The-Job Safety Is No Laughing Matter!" Thanks for the heads-up, guys.

Trucking Industry Honors Methamphetamines

KANSAS CITY–At its national convention Monday, the National Trucking Association bestowed its highest honor on methamphetamines. "Methamphetamines, you are the substance that keeps our nation's truckers 'speed'-ing along to their appointed destinations," NTA president Larry Herrick said. "Without you, American trucking would not be the world leader it is today." Herrick then downed a fistful of pills and climbed into a rig, saying he had to be in Fresno, CA, by sun-up.

When I Put Something In Italics, I Mean It

I've been office manager at Johnson Railing Supply, central Missouri's largest wholesaler of rails, for more than seven years. And in that time, I've had the chance to hone my writing skills in countless company memos, bulletin-board announcements, and break-room signs. With all this writing experience, I have the ability to cut through excess verbiage and get my message across clearly and effectively. But, despite this expertise, I've found there are those who fail to respond appropriately to strongly worded directives. They fail to understand that when I put something in italics, I mean it.

Riverboat Horseracing Fails Utterly

BILOXI, MS—Owners of the nation's first riverboat-horseracing facility announced its closure Tuesday, minutes after the inaugural race. "I guess we planned it pretty poorly," said Ronald Frisch, president and CEO of Gambling Concepts Unlimited. "We figured that once we opened the dining-room doors, the horses would know to race through the grand buffet room to the other side of the boat." Twenty-five people were trampled to death in the chaos that resulted, and eight horses drowned when they fell from the riverboat's lower deck. Gambling Concepts Unlimited officials said they still plan to hold next month's airborne rodeo as scheduled.
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ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change

‘We Really Dodged A Bullet There,’ Says Executive

Tillerson says things “could have gone really bad” for him if people had followed through on their vows to stop climate change.
Tillerson says things “could have gone really bad” for him if people had followed through on their vows to stop climate change.

IRVING, TX—Saying the multinational oil and gas conglomerate had “really dodged a bullet,” ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson told reporters Wednesday how relieved he was now that it was finally too late to do anything about climate change.

The 64-year-old petroleum executive, who acknowledged that throughout his career he had feared the public might take action to curb rising temperatures by imposing emissions restrictions or mandating a switch to alternative energy, said he was just happy that the window for avoiding the planet’s environmental destruction had closed, and that the entire industry was now free to carry on as usual.

“I was really worried for a while there that some kind of law would be passed to stop us from releasing all those hydrocarbons into the atmosphere, but I guess not,” said Tillerson, describing how he felt as if a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders now that catastrophic climate change was an inescapable certainty. “Seriously, it’s a huge load off. There were a number of real tense years after the recycling movement picked up momentum when we thought people might all turn away from fossil fuels next. But it’s just so reassuring to know that we passed the point where it’s no longer possible to stop global warming through environmental regulation or green energy or anything like that.”

“Now I can finally just relax,” he continued. “This really makes things so much easier.”

The CEO remarked that, back when it was still possible to halt the devastating effects of climate change, he constantly feared that the energy industry would be forced to make costly concessions toward sustainability, perhaps investing in expensive technology that would reduce oil and gas companies’ environmental impact, and thereby severely harm his corporation’s bottom line.

Tillerson told reporters that growing public interest in wind and solar energy gave him “a pretty good scare” for a while, but noted how he eventually came to realize the public’s engagement was largely limited to vocalizing support for the initiatives rather than taking any substantive action to move the overall energy sector in those directions. He also admitted to losing sleep in 2009 when Congress considered regulating carbon emissions with a cap-and-trade system, although he said he now felt silly for ever believing that might actually happen.

While he became less worried about the possibility of government regulation after seeing the rapid melting of polar ice caps go completely unchecked, Tillerson stated that he was careful not to get his hopes up too high until humanity had blown through every last milestone for averting the worst effects of global warming, including atmospheric carbon dioxide surpassing 400 parts per million and average worldwide temperatures exceeding 1 degree Celsius above preindustrial levels.

“After scientists started saying we were in the middle of a global mass extinction event and still nobody at any level did anything to try to stop it—that’s when I knew we were in the clear,” said Tillerson, remarking that, by that point, he had become certain everyone would just keep driving their gas-powered vehicles and running their air conditioners 24 hours a day no matter what. “There’s just no way people are going to start switching over to renewables at this point. Hell, even if the whole world demanded new fuel-efficiency standards today, they’d be completely useless now that we’re beyond the point of no return, so really, why even bother?”

“And thank goodness,” he added. “Everyone’s complete hopelessness about the whole situation really is the best thing that could have happened to us.”

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