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Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Nation Comes To Halt To Watch Crane Move Massive Concrete Tube

NEW YORK—Stopping dead in their tracks and pausing to take in the scene unfolding above them, the entire country reportedly came to a halt Thursday morning to watch an industrial crane move a massive concrete tube across a construction site.The big crane and concrete tube, which have brought the country to a standstill.

Conference Call Going Awesome

NEW YORK—Sources at the NuVista advertising agency have confirmed only moments ago that the ongoing conference call with headquarters in...

I'm A Cloud Factory!

Puff ... puff ... puff ... Hey, everybody, look at me! No, don't look around you—look up! Up here! It's me, the...

American Torturing Jobs Increasingly Outsourced

WASHINGTON, DC—AFL-CIO vice president Linda Chavez-Thompson, representing the American Federation of Interrogation Torturers, released a statement Monday deriding the CIA's "extraordinary rendition" program, under which American torturing jobs are outsourced to foreign markets. "Outsourcing the task of interrogating terror suspects to countries like Egypt, Syria, and Saudi Arabia is having a crippling effect on the Americans who make a living by stripping detainees nude, shackling them to the floor, and beating the living shit out of them," Chavez-Thompson said. "And specialists within the field—corrosive-material chemists, ocular surgeons, and testicular electricians—are lucky to find any jobs at all. How are they supposed to feed their families?" Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defended extraordinary rendition, saying the program will create jobs in the long run by fostering a global climate of torture tolerance.

Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "safeguard our precious wildlands for future generations of SUV ads," the Department of the Interior set aside two million acres in Wyoming and Colorado for use in car commercials Monday. "If we do not protect this land," Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton said, "we may one day have no place for Dodge Rams to run wild and free."

Actually, On-The-Job Safety Is A Laughing Matter

As a factory metalworker, I enjoy almost limitless opportunities to be maimed or killed. The Red River plant where I work has its own foundry, smelting plant, steel-forming works, welding line, pipe-bending assembly room, and dozens of other accumulations of heavy industrial equipment capable of removing fingers and heads. It's a good thing, then, that management makes the effort to post signs reminding us that "On-The-Job Safety Is No Laughing Matter!" Thanks for the heads-up, guys.

Trucking Industry Honors Methamphetamines

KANSAS CITY–At its national convention Monday, the National Trucking Association bestowed its highest honor on methamphetamines. "Methamphetamines, you are the substance that keeps our nation's truckers 'speed'-ing along to their appointed destinations," NTA president Larry Herrick said. "Without you, American trucking would not be the world leader it is today." Herrick then downed a fistful of pills and climbed into a rig, saying he had to be in Fresno, CA, by sun-up.
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Innovative Business Always On The Cutting Edge Of What Other Companies Have Been Doing For A Few Years

DigiVista CEO Bill Hallihan says his groundbreaking company is always on the lookout for ideas that were bold and original back when other companies implemented them.
DigiVista CEO Bill Hallihan says his groundbreaking company is always on the lookout for ideas that were bold and original back when other companies implemented them.

MINNEAPOLIS—Explaining how the company remains innovative in a fast-paced industry, executives from DigiVista Media told reporters Wednesday that the marketing firm consistently positions itself on the leading edge of what its competitors have been doing for the past few years.

“The landscape is always changing, so we’re continually embracing revolutionary ideas that our rivals succeeded with in the past,” said DigiVista senior marketing manager Aaron Reynolds, who credited this approach with keeping the groundbreaking company at the forefront of where the field was five or six years ago. “In this business, you have to constantly push the boundaries in terms of adopting strategies from other people that are by now well-established industry practice.”

“You just can’t wait for inspiration to come to you,” he continued. “You’ve got to see it come to somebody else first and then pounce on it once it’s been thoroughly proven in the marketplace.”

According to DigiVista CEO Bill Hallihan, employees at his pioneering firm monitor what everyone else in marketing is doing, hastily restructure their business to do the exact same thing, and then watch to see what advancements the industry makes next. Hallihan said it’s this commitment to innovation that allows his company to always provide its clients with the next ingenious product that has already been in use for quite some time.

“Part of what makes us such trailblazers is our willingness to completely scrap what we’re doing right now in favor of a strategy that’s been fairly ubiquitous since 2013,” said Hallihan, noting that he hopes a recent rollout of real-time bidding and ad exchange platforms will place DigiVista firmly atop the list of leading marketing firms of the beginning of the decade. “Our creative focus on methods developed by other companies is what’s going to drive our business right to where the vanguard of this industry used to be.”

“Yeah, sometimes we have to push the envelope on what could be done in 2010, but we don’t know any other way around here,” he added.

Hallihan hinted that DigiVista is preparing to disrupt the marketing world once more, this time by proactively embracing original concepts that its competitors put in place just 12 to 18 months ago. But he said such a gambit should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the company’s history of taking substantial risks to adopt the very same business plans that other, more successful firms were using just a short while back.

“Whether it’s native advertising or advanced data collection, if you can’t deliver what previously paid off elsewhere, you’re finished,” Hallihan said. “But as long as there’s that spirit of innovation in others, we’re going to be around quite a while.”

At press time, sources confirmed DigiVista had adopted another years-old strategy of its competitors, laying off approximately 20 percent of its workforce.

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