Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image

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Nostalgic Scientists Rediscover Polio Vaccine

NEW YORK—A half century after Jonas Salk first devised a vaccine for polio, nostalgic researchers at NYU Medical Center rediscovered the “classic” inoculation late Tuesday night, recreating the immunization treatment from a monkey kidney...

McDonald's Unveils New Senior Citizen PlayPlace

OAK BROOK, IL—In an effort to accommodate an aging customer base and make the McDonald's experience "super fun for seniors 65 to 95," the fast-food chain unveiled its new Senior Citizen PlayPlaces Wednesday.

Britain To Chart Happiness

Beginning in the spring of 2011, the government of the United Kingdom will conduct regular surveys of the happiness and well-being of its citizens. Here are some of the variables that will be measured.

Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever

OAK RIDGE, TN—After six grueling years of Herculean research, scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced EHC-1 Alpha, the new hyperbolic chamber, "an unquestionably, undeniably, fantastically revolutionary milestone in the history of science, mankind, and the universe, all of which it will undoubtedly change forever."

Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story 'The Camera-Phone' Found

AMIENS, FRANCE—Literary scholars announced Monday that they have unearthed a 33-page handwritten manuscript of "The Camera-Phone," a short story believed to have been written in 1874 by French novelist Jules Verne, the man often considered to be the originator of modern science fiction.

Helvetica Bold Oblique Sweeps Fontys

LOS ANGELES—Helvetica Bold Oblique was the big winner at Tuesday's 73rd Annual Fonty Awards, taking home 11 statues, including those for Best Sans Serif and the highly coveted 2001 Best Font prize.

Product Awareness Increased With 'Advertisement'

PHILADELPHIA–Ushering in a new era of informed consumer purchasing, GlaxoSmithKline Monday unveiled an "advertisement," a paid announcement designed to educate the public on which products will best serve its needs.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image

In recent months, Apple has faced mounting criticism that it is no longer an innovative brand, and just last week the company was forced to cut orders of its plastic-encased iPhone 5C due to lack of demand. Here are Apple’s ideas for reviving its image as the most cutting-edge company in the tech industry:

  • Every single iPhone will come with a unique backstory
  • New razor-thin Apple Stores
  • Programming Siri’s voice to age along with iPhone
  • Genius Bar employees required to know, execute basic parkour moves
  • Adding the word “innovative” to end of all product names
  • CEO Tim Cook to adopt more youthful name A.J. Cook
  • Creating a new market by taking the reflector thing that doctors used to wear on their foreheads and adding technology to it somehow
  • Expanding the “Sent from my iPhone” email signature to a full-length sonnet
  • New “I’m a Mac” commercials with hip indie celeb John Hodgman as the Mac
  • All future technology to be released in cream-based form users apply to their face and enjoy
  • Marking up prices of all products by $70