Woman Rises Early To Sow Seeds Of Day’s First Gchats

MARIETTA, GA—Already awake and in front of the computer while most of her email contacts were still listed as “idle,” area woman Kate Lapointe got up early Monday morning to begin sowing the seeds of the day’s first Gchat conversations, sources confirmed.

A Primer On The Dark Web

With many crimes now originating on encrypted areas of the internet, many wonder about the so-called dark web and its activities. The Onion provides a primer on this obscured digital space:

The Pros And Cons Of Quitting Social Media

Citing the stress of engaging with sites like Facebook and Instagram, many users deactivate their social media accounts for their emotional well-being, while others enjoy these platforms as a way of connecting with friends and family. The Onion presents the pros and cons of quitting social media:

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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‘There Are No Good Options In Syria,’ Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic

SAGINAW, MI—Shaking his head at the tragic futility of it all, local man Daniel Roth sighed “there are no good options in Syria” Thursday after devoting 12 minutes of casual research to the topic. “It’s just so heartbreaking, but what’s worse is that there doesn’t seem to be any real solution,” said Roth, who skimmed seven paragraphs of a Washington Post editorial on the subject and watched a short Vox explainer video on the various participants in the conflict before clicking over to the teaser trailer for Thor: Ragnarok. “There’s certainly no silver bullet, and there might not even be a workable way out at all. With so many confounding variables at play, I can’t even imagine a decent path forward unless something completely unexpected happens.” Roth admitted, however, that he was not an expert on Syria and hoped his friend who recently read a 6,000-word essay in Harper’s might have some more encouraging insight.

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