Obama: No Option Off The Table Except Snatching Iran's Leaders With Hook Lowered From Plane And Flying Them To Washington

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Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th ...

Radicals, Extremists Vie For Control Of Iran

TEHRAN—As the Feb. 20 parliamentary election approaches, hard-line conservative religious radicals and fundamentalist Islamic extremists are stepping up their disparate campaigns. "It's up to the people: Does the future of Iran lie in the hands of the far-right extremists or the far-far-right radicals?" said Ayatollah Ahmad Jannati, head of the hard-line Guardian Council that recently banned thousands of moderate candidates from the election. "Will the old-school clerics win, or is the country ready for a new stripe of fundamentalists who will take authoritarianism in an entirely different direction?" Jannati urged all of Iran's citizens to get out and make their votes count.

Iran Moves To Ban Events Of Mass Destruction

TEHRAN, IRAN—After years of refusing to provide information about the country's underground activities, Iranian president Mohammad Khatami surprised the world Monday by announcing that the nation has decided to ban events of mass destruction. "Opening the doors to seismic reform is the first step toward ensuring a safer future for the people of Iran," Khatami announced on Al-Jazeera. "We will voluntarily make moves to ban further production of devastating seismic waves like those experienced during the earthquake in Bam." Even Iranian political and religious hardliner Ayatollah Hashemi Janati lauded the decision, stating that it "will eliminate the need to stretch our hands out for the charity of our warmongering American oppressors."
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Obama: No Option Off The Table Except Snatching Iran's Leaders With Hook Lowered From Plane And Flying Them To Washington

WASHINGTON—A resolute President Obama warned Tuesday that if Iran remained unwilling to halt its nuclear program, the United States would consider any and all options at its disposal short of whisking away the Islamic republic's leaders using a hook lowered from an airplane. "We are dealing with a grave threat and we will not hesitate to use any available recourse, with the exception of flying one of our stealth fighter jets into the heart of Tehran, having the pilot shoot some sort of grappling device 500 feet to the ground, dragging the steel hook in such a way that it remains inconspicuous, and then suddenly snatching up key officials when they least expect it," said Obama, adding that diplomatic pressure, economic sanctions, and military force were still on the table, given that those options did not involve using a curved metal implement at the end of a long retractable cable to ensnare members of the ruling Guardian Council. "Our message to Iran's leaders is clear: If you do not choose peace, we will take whatever steps are necessary aside from swooping in, snagging the back of your shirt collar with the tip of a large hook, and then flying you across the ocean to be our prisoners." Regardless of U.S. policy, many experts predict Israel will begin capturing Iranians with hooks lowered from planes as early as this summer.