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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Study Finds Girls Outperforming Future Employers In School

NASHVILLE, TN—The results of a comprehensive multiyear study charting the educational achievement of children throughout the United States were released Friday, revealing that the nation’s girls are increasingly outperforming their future employers in all subjects.

How To Join The Priesthood

With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

The Pros And Cons Of Freelance Employment

In the post-recession landscape, many young people encounter a lack of salaried full-time positions available to them and opt instead for a series of freelance or contract assignments that provide short-term bursts of employment and compensation. Here are the pros and cons of taking on freelance employment

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.
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Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter:

  • The cover letter is your opportunity to let prospective employers know what you are capable of, particularly in the event that they don’t hire you.
  • Customize each cover letter you send, but double-check the details. Nothing’s more embarrassing than addressing a letter to Google when it should have gone directly in the garbage.
  • Don’t repeat information that employers have already gleaned from your private social media accounts.
  • Have a close friend read over the final product. If it doesn’t convince them to offer you a negotiable $45,000 plus benefits, go back to the drawing board.
  • If you’re one of those rare candidates who has proficiency in Microsoft Word, then for God’s sake, mention it.
  • Limit yourself to five consecutive uses of the word “please.”
  • Before hitting send, check whether the company prefers footnotes or endnotes in cover letters, and if the latter, how they prefer the appendices organized.
  • Overall, take this chance to show off the kind of dynamic, creative thinking that you’re highly capable of and will almost certainly never be called upon to use.

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