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Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House

WASHINGTON—At approximately 2 a.m. Thursday morning, White House sources confirmed that Vice President Joe Biden was forcibly pushed out the rear door of a moving 1980 Lincoln Town Car onto the curb outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue

WASHINGTON—Disoriented and “freezing his goddamn nuts off,” a naked Vice President Joe Biden reportedly awoke Thursday morning on an autopsy table in the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner, White House sources confirmed. “Huh?...

Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had “a major shitstorm” he had to deal with, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly had a guy named Worm sit in for him at a cabinet meeting Thursday, assuring senior officials in the administration that his budd...

Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim

WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation for allegedly filing a fraudulent claim, sources confirmed Friday.
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Biden Forges President’s Signature On Executive Order To Make December Dokken History Month

WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month. “Look, I’ve already asked Barry a thousand times because Dokken’s a goddamn national treasure, but he just wouldn’t get with the program, so now we’re doing shit Diamond Joe’s way,” said Biden, who took extra care to ensure the president’s signature matched previous counterfeit executive orders he had fabricated to implement directives that required strip clubs in the capital to stay open past 2 a.m., created a federal holiday for Quiet Riot guitarist Randy Rhoads’ birthday, and pardoned his buddy Blaze, who reportedly got into a “little dustup” with some bikers outside Carson City, NV earlier this year. “This is a no-brainer. If you crank up Donnie’s killer vocals and George Lynch is wailing on his ax on your car stereo, I guarantee a smokin’ hot metal chick will be ripping your stick shift out of the gearbox in zero seconds flat. Every lick on Back For The Attack is like a shot of adrenaline right in the babymaker. So sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands to make sure we set aside 31 days a year to keep rockin’ with Dokken.” According to sources, Biden then photocopied a “big-ass” stack of blank executive orders and grabbed a handful of official presidential pens so he could practice his Donald Trump signature.

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