GENEVAAfter years of sectarian violence, a coalition of Jews, Muslims, and Hindus signed an international resolution Monday, confirming their mutual appreciation of chicken dishes. "Whether it is breaded with matzo, served as shwarma, or covered in tikka masala sauce, chicken is the one meat upon which all faiths can agree," said spokesman Jerome Maliszewski, addressing an assembly of rabbis, mullahs, and shamans. "Let this friendly exchange of recipes be the first tentative step toward everlasting peace." Attendees at the combination summit and potluck dinner labeled it a qualified success, regretting the altercation that broke out between factions with differing views on skewer length.
Do you have a pet peeve—some little thing that drives you completely bonkers? For certain people, it's the sound of a Jewish person dragging her fingernails across a chalkboard. For others, it's when Jews don't signal before making a turn. Me? I can't stand it when Jews talk during movies!
PLANO, TX—Henry McCullers, an affable Plano-area anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people Monday for doing "a bang-up job" running the media. "This has been such a great year for movies, and the new crop of fall TV shows looks to be one of the best in years," McCullers said. "And the cable news channels are doing a terrific job, too. Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable."
ATLANTA—According to surprised neighbors, area resident Adam Brown doesn't look Jewish. "It's weird," said Kathleen Purdie, who recently learned of Brown's Semitic roots. "I had no idea he was Jewish. He just sort of looks regular, with the light brown hair and light skin and all. Actually, I thought he was Irish or maybe even Scandinavian." Added Purdie: "Is Brown a Jewish name?"
BIRMINGHAM, AL—For nearly 150 years, the Ku Klux Klan has been steadfast in its commitment to the ideals of its founders. These traditional values—preservation of White cultural heritage, strict adherence to Christian principles, and broad-based coalition-building against the inferior dog-races of Asia and Africa—have served to strengthen the Klan throughout its long and proud history.
BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—Thirteen-year-old Joshua Nussbaum of Bloomfield Hills became a full-fledged consumer Saturday upon the event of his Bar Mitzvah, the traditional Jewish ceremony and subsequent extravagant catered affair that marks a boy's passage into materialism. "From this day forth, I shall acquire wealth and goods in the venerated tradition of my fathers," Nussbaum said during the five-hour, $18,000 reception, which featured a live band, a professional balloon-animal artist, and a video retrospective of his life on a big-screen TV purchased for the occasion. Added Nussbaum, who collected more than $21,000 in Bar Mitzvah gifts and cash: "Today, I am a consumer."