Keeping an Open Mind

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Wise Council Of Elders Accuses Day Nurse Of Stealing Change

GLENS FALLS, NY—"No, not the Oriental nurse, the colored one," Hillside Assisted Living Center elder Tom Stansell said before shutting his eyes and somberly bowing his head in silence for the next 35 minutes. "Always telling me what to do. I have rights, you know."

If You Don't Mind, I'd Like To Take A Crack At Salvaging Your Failing Marriage

I don't mean to pry, Becca, but I couldn't help overhearing you and Jason argue last night. Sound travels really well in this building. Now, I know I'm only your neighbor, and it's none of my business, but it seems like your relationship is in dire trouble. If you don't mind, I'd like to take a crack at salvaging your failing marriage.

I Just Don't Trust The New Pastor Yet

Today marks exactly three months since Pastor Bufenkamp's retirement dinner. I've really been trying to be a good Christian and open up my heart to the new pastor, but the truth is, I just don't trust him yet.

Vigilante Judge Takes Law Into Own Hands

CHEYENNE, WY—Circuit Court Judge Cedric Traynor, the notorious, media-dubbed "Vigilante Judge," took the law into his own hands once again Tuesday, sentencing convicted arsonist Dennis Rebach to 15 years in prison. "You will respect my judgment," Traynor said, "for I am the law." Traynor has singlehandedly judged the fate of more than 3,000 men over the past 20 years.

The Ladies' Hats Are Too Big These Days

With the coming of spring-time, the ladies will soon be out promenading in the parks in their new fashions. It is my wish that the Paris couturiers reduce the size of the ladies' hats this season, as in years past I have had many unpleasant encounters with enormous millinery.

Foppish Dandy Disregards Local Constabulary

Despite repeated appeals to his better judgment and several stern appraisals of disapproval, Mr. M____, of Nortfordshire Suffolk-Wain, a foppish dandy of eccentric reputation, disregarded a number of local constabulary this Thursday last.
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Keeping an Open Mind

In the modern world we are constantly exposed to new ideas, concepts and cultures and we are expected to experience them without preconceived notions, which can be difficult for some. Here are some ways to help keep an open mind:

  • Trying new things can be scary but if your little brother can do it, what's your problem?
  • If you believe in yourself you can accomplish anything, but let’s be honest it will probably just be data-entry again.
  • Meditation is an excellent way to clear your head, just remember to stay far away from those fucking kids of yours.
  • It is better to regret something you have done than something you haven't, so act with total disregard for the laws of God and Man.
  • Every day, do at least one thing you've never done before, such as painting a masterpiece, writing a hit song or going outdoors.
  • Be respectful of all religions, so if a different one than yours is the right one they might put you in the nice part of Hell.
  • Things are often different than they appear, for example something like a simple brownie can leave you tripping your balls off for the next twelve hours.
  • Your ideas about sex are probably inhibited and repressive. Why not unshackle yourself by taking off your pants. Right now. Let's live a little.