WASHINGTON—Saying the measure was necessary to improve public safety, the Department of Justice announced Wednesday afternoon that it intends to deploy thousands of additional smartphone-carrying bystanders to the nation’s streets.
Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:
- It’s well worth it to pay the $50 extra to gain admission into the Platinum Jurors Lounge with Wi-Fi, drinks, and appetizers
- Letting the other jurors know how you’ll be voting ahead of time is an efficient way to speed up the judicial process.
- Keep an eye out for a young Thomas Gibson in the Welcome To Jury Duty instructional video.
- Take a load off the judge and declare “I’ll allow it” at regular intervals.
- Be friendly and affable toward your fellow jurors. In the event the prosecutor presents a particularly damning piece of evidence against the defendant, you’ll want someone to murmur with.
- Your “Guilty” or “Not Guilty” vote will never be revealed to the public, so feel free to go fucking nuts.
- Getting charged more than $35 to $45 for a personalized courtroom sketch means you’re being swindled, plain and simple.
- Keep alert for the shocking possibility that the judge hands down a sentence of life in prison, pointing directly at you instead of the defendant.