Tips For Jury Duty

Top Headlines


How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police

The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States.

Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner

HUNTSVILLE, TX—Marking a notable milestone in the history of capital punishment in the United States, the state of Texas executed its 393rd guilty prisoner Wednesday with the death of 52-year-old convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy by lethal inject...

Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia

WASHINGTON—After waiting in the wings of the U.S. Supreme Court for three long years, understudy Albert Dorchester, 28, finally got a chance to fill in for Justice Antonin Scalia Tuesday when a sudden illness kept the veteran jurist from his usual d...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Tips For Jury Duty

Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:

  • It’s well worth it to pay the $50 extra to gain admission into the Platinum Jurors Lounge with Wi-Fi, drinks, and appetizers
  • Letting the other jurors know how you’ll be voting ahead of time is an efficient way to speed up the judicial process.
  • Keep an eye out for a young Thomas Gibson in the Welcome To Jury Duty instructional video.
  • Take a load off the judge and declare “I’ll allow it” at regular intervals.
  • Be friendly and affable toward your fellow jurors. In the event the prosecutor presents a particularly damning piece of evidence against the defendant, you’ll want someone to murmur with.
  • Your “Guilty” or “Not Guilty” vote will never be revealed to the public, so feel free to go fucking nuts.
  • Getting charged more than $35 to $45 for a personalized courtroom sketch means you’re being swindled, plain and simple.
  • Keep alert for the shocking possibility that the judge hands down a sentence of life in prison, pointing directly at you instead of the defendant.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close