Tips For Jury Duty

Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police

The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States.

Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner

HUNTSVILLE, TX—Marking a notable milestone in the history of capital punishment in the United States, the state of Texas executed its 393rd guilty prisoner Wednesday with the death of 52-year-old convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy by lethal inject...

Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia

WASHINGTON—After waiting in the wings of the U.S. Supreme Court for three long years, understudy Albert Dorchester, 28, finally got a chance to fill in for Justice Antonin Scalia Tuesday when a sudden illness kept the veteran jurist from his usual d...
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How Juries Are Selected

The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen:

  • STEP 1:

    Summons letter arrives in mail at worst possible time

  • STEP 2:

    Auditions held for charismatic foreman who can deliver captivating verdict

  • STEP 3:

    Mad scramble to cobble together series of legally viable excuses to eliminate minorities from jury pool

  • STEP 4:

    Bailiff issues reminder that court does not validate parking

  • STEP 5:

    Potential jurors told through stifled laughter that the trial shouldn’t take more than two weeks, tops

  • STEP 6:

    Those lucky enough to naturally exude potential bias get to go home

  • STEP 7:

    Sketch artist signs off on group of 12 people who will be pretty easy to draw

  • STEP 8:

    One last sweep for any hippies

  • STEP 9:

    Excited jurors rush to courtroom only to discover it’s a goddamn department store slip-and-fall case


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