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Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.

How Juries Are Selected

The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Oklahoma State Penitentiary Unveils New In-Chamber Entertainment System To Keep Inmates Occupied During Lethal Injections

MCALESTER, OK—Touting the extensive library of programming available to be streamed while waiting for an untested cocktail of chemicals to induce cardiac arrest, officials from Oklahoma State Penitentiary unveiled a new in-chamber entertainment system Thursday aimed at keeping inmates occupied throughout their lethal injections. “As soon as they’re strapped onto the table and medical personnel begin an extended search for a usable vein, our death row inmates will be able to use the system control pad to navigate a wide menu of television programs and feature films available for immediate viewing,” said penitentiary spokesman John Clark, explaining that the new system is fully equipped with a 42-inch 4K screen, Dolby surround sound speakers, and access to streaming services such as Netflix and HBO Go to provide those awaiting their deaths with the ability to queue up as many movies, shows, documentaries, comedy specials, and concerts as they want while experimental volumes of various unproven compounds circulate through their bodies. “Now prisoners can catch up on the latest episodes of Girls or binge a whole season of Narcos while their execution proceeds. With our exciting new entertainment offerings, the time between when the drugs are administered and when the on-site physician confirms that a heartbeat has finally ceased completely will fly right by.” Clark added that the advanced entertainment system would also make individualized TV and movie recommendations based on users’ viewing histories in the likely event they finish watching the selections in their queue before the execution is complete.

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