How Juries Are Selected

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How Juries Are Selected

The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen:

  • STEP 1:

    Summons letter arrives in mail at worst possible time

  • STEP 2:

    Auditions held for charismatic foreman who can deliver captivating verdict

  • STEP 3:

    Mad scramble to cobble together series of legally viable excuses to eliminate minorities from jury pool

  • STEP 4:

    Bailiff issues reminder that court does not validate parking

  • STEP 5:

    Potential jurors told through stifled laughter that the trial shouldn’t take more than two weeks, tops

  • STEP 6:

    Those lucky enough to naturally exude potential bias get to go home

  • STEP 7:

    Sketch artist signs off on group of 12 people who will be pretty easy to draw

  • STEP 8:

    One last sweep for any hippies

  • STEP 9:

    Excited jurors rush to courtroom only to discover it’s a goddamn department store slip-and-fall case

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