How Juries Are Selected

The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police

The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States.
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Congressman Excited To Be Working On Bill With Intern He Has Huge Crush On

WASHINGTON—Saying he got butterflies in his stomach the minute he learned they’d both be involved in drafting the legislation, congressman Jerry Bremner (R-NC) told reporters Tuesday he was excited to be working on a bill with an intern he has a huge crush on. “I’ve liked her for a long time, but I just haven’t had a good excuse to strike up a conversation, so working together on this project will be perfect,” said Bremner of the 21-year-old University of Michigan junior, adding that to this point, he had only awkwardly mumbled hello the handful of times he had bumped into her around the Capitol Building. “I should make sure I do a bunch of research so it’s clear I know my stuff. I’ll never forgive myself if I look stupid in front of her.” Sources later confirmed that Bremner was mentally berating himself after their first meeting for coming across like a total weirdo.


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