Indiana Becomes Fourth State To Ban Great Sex

INDIANAPOLIS—Following the lead of Missouri, Oklahoma, and Georgia, the Indiana legislature Tuesday passed “HB 1679: Prohibiting Sexual Intercourse Of An Excessively Pleasurable Nature,” officially becoming the fourth state in the country to outlaw great sex.

Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.
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Affable Detective With Healthy Personal Life Hasn’t Solved Case In Months

SHOW LOW, AZ—Describing him as a family man who always has a smile on his face, sources within the Show Low Police Department confirmed that Dominic Pierce, an affable detective with a rich personal life, hasn’t solved a case in months. According precinct records, Pierce, who promptly leaves work at 6 p.m. each night to have dinner with his wife of 20 years and two daughters, has not brought a single criminal to justice since last fall. Despite the towering stack of unsolved murder, rape, and armed robbery cases piled on his desk, fellow officers told reporters that they respected Pierce for “not hitting the bottle too much” and “never once having a chip on his shoulder.” Precinct sources went on to say that while a detective with the number of cold cases Pierce has racked up should almost certainly be fired, they all agreed they’d hate to lose a great guy like that.

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