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How Juries Are Selected

The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday. “Dagnabbit! They got away again,” said the lawmen, spitting out the sides of their mouths and stomping on their wide-brimmed Stetsons as the car filled with “the worst miscreants ever seen in these parts” faded into the distance. “Get back here, you no-good, dirty varmints! Tell me, is every deputy in this department a goldarned ignoramus? ’Cause I told you sorry sons-a-bitches to keep an eye on ’em! Well, don’t just stand there, Rudy—get on the radio and see if you can raise the highway patrol. Them outlaws will be halfway to Alabam’ ’fore we know it.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s hornswoggled sheriffs were furiously slapping their steering wheels upon realizing their cars wouldn’t start.

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47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

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