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How Juries Are Selected

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The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police

The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States.
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How Juries Are Selected

The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen:

  • STEP 1:

    Summons letter arrives in mail at worst possible time

  • STEP 2:

    Auditions held for charismatic foreman who can deliver captivating verdict

  • STEP 3:

    Mad scramble to cobble together series of legally viable excuses to eliminate minorities from jury pool

  • STEP 4:

    Bailiff issues reminder that court does not validate parking

  • STEP 5:

    Potential jurors told through stifled laughter that the trial shouldn’t take more than two weeks, tops

  • STEP 6:

    Those lucky enough to naturally exude potential bias get to go home

  • STEP 7:

    Sketch artist signs off on group of 12 people who will be pretty easy to draw

  • STEP 8:

    One last sweep for any hippies

  • STEP 9:

    Excited jurors rush to courtroom only to discover it’s a goddamn department store slip-and-fall case

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