NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.
CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.
With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step
MATERA, ITALY—Explaining that there really isn’t much else to do in the sleepy hillside community, residents of the rustic Italian village of Matera told reporters Wednesday they’re currently just killing time between lavish wedding feasts
NEW YORK—Explaining that the change in aesthetic preference would take effect immediately, executives from every major beauty industry company held a press conference Monday in which they told consumers “You like short hair now.”
PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.
LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.
ANN ARBOR, MI—After receiving the mystifying task of hanging an array of nine empty picture frames of various sizes on the couple’s living room wall Thursday, local man Jake Montalvo reportedly admitted that while he wasn’t sure where his girlfriend, Celeste Ladd, was headed with this idea, he was at least willing to go along with it.
NEW YORK—Saying the popular new practice appears to be growing in popularity particularly in coastal states and within more affluent suburbs, several family experts confirmed Friday that the latest parenting trend involves just handing children a bulleted list of things they need to accomplish by the age of 30.
LOS ANGELES—Shading the designated sections in red for easy identification by visitors, the Getty Center began distributing helpful museum maps this week highlighting which areas patrons shouldn’t feel too bad about skipping, sources confirmed.
DARIEN, CT—Admitting that his affection for their gauche and boorish ways had surprised even himself, prominent socialite J. Thomas Donelan III confirmed Wednesday that he was falling for the nation’s unrefined but beautiful lower classes.