JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.
It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
- Avoid being too vague or abstract when explaining sexual acts by using examples from your own life.
- Make sure your children are paying close attention to what you’re saying, as it will undoubtedly inform their future memoir.
- It’s also constructive to highlight for your child all the healthy alternatives to sex, such as youth groups and proselytizing.
- Be an open book. Go ahead and tell them about all three sex positions.
- Emphasize that sex is, above all, a consensual act. These are great lessons your child will carry with them until Beta Delta Tau initiation night.
- If in doubt, let Coach Michelson handle it.
- Don’t be surprised if the same questions about sex come up again and again. Some children are just stupid.
- Reassure your child that no matter what choices he or she makes, your love is unconditional, unlike everyone they will ever have sex with.