Area Man, Woman Each Have Thorough List Of Why They Should Break Up On Standby

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Local Swingers Not Going To Drive Out To Goddamn Oakdale

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Area Man, Woman Each Have Thorough List Of Why They Should Break Up On Standby

SALEM, OR—Saying their respective justifications were “good to go” whenever necessary, local couple Mark Wondrich, 25, and Cara Marshall, 27, reported Friday that they each have a comprehensive list of reasons why they should break up with the other on standby. “Things are actually going pretty well with Cara right now, but just in case it starts to go bad, I’ve got a dozen or so reasons why it’s best to call it quits on our relationship that I can pull out at a moment’s notice,” said Wondrich, just minutes after Marshall privately divulged to reporters her own mental catalog of well-thought-out arguments for terminating their relationship, which included Wondrich’s tendency to ignore her, her desire to move to a bigger city, and 10 other flaws that would serve as a compelling rationale for splitting up. “I might not need this list for a while, if ever, but either way, it’s good to know that if I ever feel like today’s the day, this thing’s just sitting here ready to roll.” At press time, a disagreement over weekend plans had led both of them to add the other’s stubbornness to their steadily expanding lists.