Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life. McManus, who is said to regularly post brazenly offensive tirades in YouTube comment sections dictating how he thinks women should behave and stating which female public figures he believes deserve to be sexually assaulted, reportedly keeps such opinions entirely to himself in person, instead favoring small jabs at female acquaintances’ decision-making abilities and regularly discrediting women’s emotions by casually claiming their reactions are overly sensitive or melodramatic. Sources confirmed that whether McManus bitterly inveighs against women’s sexual activity in long, slur-ridden outbursts or issues softly worded slights or praise that tie a woman’s appearance to her worth depended wholly on whether he’s sitting alone in front of a computer or engaged in an actual conversation in his workplace or social setting. At press time, McManus was said to be looking down at his phone, attempting to quietly undercut a female coworker’s opinions by denying eye contact and ignoring what she was currently saying, while at the same moment discovering he had been blocked on Twitter by another woman he regularly threatened.

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