ATHENS, GA—Saying he would personally be extremely wary of investing in a property with such a fundamental structural flaw, home inspector Samuel Finch warned local couple Irene and Matthew Gilman today that the house they were considering purchasing lacked a banister you can slide all the way down.
NOVI, MI—Citing his desire for a slightly less hectic schedule that would allow him a little free time during his senior year, local student Matt Reynolds, 17, reportedly decided this week to quit a club that would have set his application apart from others and secured his admission to his dream college.
FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”
PORTLAND, ME—Confirming that their expectations had been set high given the fun, off-kilter decor in the dining area, patrons at Nikki’s Grill said Tuesday that the quirky restaurant’s restroom had better fucking deliver.
WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.
SARATOGA, NY—Completely embarrassing himself in front of dozens of visitors to the park as well as his fellow riders, pathetic 4-year-old Jeremy Tufts reportedly needed his father to stand right next to him on the merry-go-round platform for the entire duration of the ride Wednesday.
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.
SYRACUSE, NY—Saying the bulleted list of diagnostic criteria had touched something at the very core of his being, local 34-year-old Adam Zenner reported Friday that an online depression symptoms checklist was speaking to him as no poem ever could.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
PIERRE, SD—Saying he couldn’t wait to spend the entire night struggling to maintain a comfortable position, houseguest Adam Weaver reportedly told his friend and host, Luke Irving, Thursday that he was happy to have been given an air mattress that would slowly deflate throughout the night.
COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to maintain a peaceful and enjoyable atmosphere for guests at local nightclub Zenith, bouncer Anthony Russo was given strict instructions Wednesday not to let people like himself in.