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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Woman Knows To Stay Away From Certain Parts Of Own Psyche At Night

URBANA, IL—Saying there are places it’s best to avoid once the sun goes down, local woman Annabelle Fulton told reporters Friday that she knows to stay away from certain parts of her own psyche at night. “Just to be safe, I always make a point of steering clear of dark areas of my subconscious once it starts getting late,” said Fulton, adding that while maybe nothing would happen, there was no point in chancing it. “If I’m going out for the evening, I stick to familiar thoughts I can trust, especially if I’ve been drinking. I definitely don’t want to be wandering my mind aimlessly—one wrong turn can mean disaster.” Fulton went on to say there were headspaces that were so unsettling, she keeps her distance from them even in broad daylight.

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