Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

Top Headlines


45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day. “The second Eric showed up today, he sat right down at his desk, fired off a few quick emails, and then spent the next couple hours browsing Facebook—he’s really got the hang of this,” said coworker Janice Grant, who expressed a deep respect for how swiftly Myers learned the ins and outs of putting in an hour or two of minor effort, telling supervisors that he was going to need extra time to work on assignments, and then coasting through the rest of the workday. “It took me a few months before I had a firm grasp on cutting corners, blowing off tasks, and doing a half-assed job on stuff so I could just kick back most of the day. Eric’s a natural, though; he just has an innate knack for phoning it in.” At press time, several employees were reportedly shaking their heads in surprise and admiration after noticing their new coworker had taken an hour and a half for lunch.