34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dinner Party Conducting Full-Scale Investigation To Determine If Tip Was Included

SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check. “It feels like it’s already part of the total, right?” said principal investigator Victor Rodriguez, attempting to decipher the cryptic item codes at the bottom of the receipt before passing the document around to several of his fellow detectives for further review, one of whom ran a rough quantitative analysis by adding up the cost of all the items in his head and comparing that to the amount they were charged. “Did anyone see anything about the gratuity policy on the menu? Don’t they always add it when there’s more than six people? Or does it have to be eight?” After successfully closing the case, the team then conducted another thorough probe minutes later to determine why, after everyone had pitched in money to cover the bill, they were still several dollars short.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close