Coworker Loudly Typing Away Like 1930s Cub Reporter Chasing Hot Lead

Top Headlines


Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Coworker Loudly Typing Away Like 1930s Cub Reporter Chasing Hot Lead

NEW YORK—Unable to ignore the incessant clatter arising from the man’s cubicle, several Westerbrook Financial employees confirmed Friday that their coworker Eric Ford was noisily typing away at his desk like a 1930s cub reporter chasing a hot lead. According to colleagues, the 31-year-old analyst was furiously writing up an investment evaluation as though he were a fedora-clad young hotshot in a smoke-filled bullpen, quickly transcribing notes for a big scoop that would blow the lid off a major scandal. For a period of at least 30 minutes, Ford was said to have hammered relentlessly on the keyboard of his laptop—and not a Smith Corona typewriter, as those listening in might have assumed—completing the risk analysis and valuation sections of his report with the enthusiasm of a young, inexperienced reporter frantically trying to beat the print deadline of the evening edition in an effort to make a name for himself in local journalism circles and get his grizzled managing editor off his case. Describing the situation as not at all dissimilar from that of an intrepid ink-slinger who was just about to leap from his chair, hold his freshly typed story above his head, and scream “Stop the presses!” at the top of his lungs, sources said Ford banged out the closing lines of the report with an especially clamorous series of keystrokes befitting a rising newspaperman in the golden era of print news. After a few last seconds of frenzied typing that ended with a final flourish of several hard returns, Ford was said to have grabbed his coat and rushed out to get lunch like he had just received a hot tip about something big going down at the docks.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close