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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Asshole Moves To Part Of City Where All The Assholes Live

NEW YORK—Saying the area felt like the “perfect fit” for him, local asshole Kyle Howard expressed his excitement Wednesday at moving to the part of the city where all the assholes live. “I’m really glad I moved here [among every other asshole in the city],” said the 31-year-old asshole, who, given his completely assholeish hobbies and interests, had long desired to live in the neighborhood of assholes. “There are so many great [asshole] restaurants and a ton of really convenient [asshole] stores right outside my door. I can’t wait to get settled in and [be a complete and unrepentant asshole alongside pricks, bastards, and fuckers exactly like me]. I already feel at home.” At press time, the total asshole had reportedly met an asshole woman at a local coffee shop that specifically caters to assholes.

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