Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.
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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday. “We were just walking along the shore when we came upon this heartbreaking scene of a pile of garbage left stuck on the sand, and we realized that we had to act quickly,” said Marie Thomas, 41, recalling how she and several strangers came together to lift the trapped rubbish and gently carry it back down to the water. “It was nerve-racking during those first few moments after we set it back in the ocean, but eventually it dipped beneath the surface and floated back out to sea. It felt good to get the garbage back out there with its own kind. Thank God we stumbled upon it when we did.” Despite an increase in recent beaching events, experts have assured the public that oceanic garbage is not threatened and that its population continues to rise, and advised citizens not to worry at all.