Sweating, Trembling Mom Still Coming Down From High Of Having Kids Under One Roof

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Sweating, Trembling Mom Still Coming Down From High Of Having Kids Under One Roof

DENVER—Breathing heavily and leaning against the wall for support as beads of sweat formed on her forehead, local mother Cynthia Applin struggled to lower her heart rate Monday as she came down from the high of having all three of her adult children under the same roof, sources reported. “Oh, my God, the three of them were just here, talking and sharing family meals together—that was so intense,” the tremoring 55-year-old said, reeling from a spell of dizziness as she described the euphoria of seeing her 27-year-old son, 24-year-old daughter, and college-age son all seated next to one another at the dinner table. “I was buzzed out of my mind when they all arrived a few days ago, but when I realized they were each sleeping in their childhood bedrooms right down the hall from me, it felt like I was flying straight upward and my heart was ready to burst—I could barely even handle it. God, what a fucking rush.” At press time, sources reported that Applin had decided to chase another high by looking at some old photos of her children in their Easter clothes.