Frustrated Man Doesn’t Know What Else He Can Do To Get Cat Purring

Top Headlines


Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Frustrated Man Doesn’t Know What Else He Can Do To Get Cat Purring

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing increasingly exasperated by the animal’s indifference to his attempts at affection, local man Joe Dooney told reporters Friday that he didn’t know what else he could do to get his cat, Harvey, purring. “I tried scratching at his ears, gently stroking his tail, and rubbing the fur on his belly, but he’s giving me nothing,” said Dooney, adding that nuzzling the 3-year-old cat’s face and whispering “you’re my special little guy” also proved to be ineffective. “I put him on my lap and used both hands to scratch under his chin and pet his back at the same time, but all he did was lick my arm and go back to sitting there. Christ, I can’t get a goddamn peep out of him.” At press time, sources confirmed that the ungrateful little bastard had run off.