Roommates Assured Girlfriend Only Staying Over For Entire Duration Of Relationship

In This Section

Local

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Roommates Assured Girlfriend Only Staying Over For Entire Duration Of Relationship

PORTLAND, ME—In an effort to ease any concerns about her presence at the apartment, local man Jason Ballard assured his two roommates Wednesday that his girlfriend would only be staying over for the entire duration of their relationship. “Yeah, I know Anne was using the shower this morning, but she’s only going to be hanging out here until we’re no longer dating—that’s it,” said Ballard, who promised that he and his girlfriend would just be watching movies on the living room couch and cooking in the kitchen every night from now until their relationship ends, and then she would be out of their hair. “Just so you know, she’ll definitely be gone by the time our relationship is over. Honestly, you’ll hardly notice that she’s here.” At press time, both roommates were reportedly confident that Ballard’s girlfriend would most likely leave the apartment by the end of the month.


Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More