Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Wedding Guest Blissfully Unaware She Barely Made The Cut

CARLISLE, PA—Saying she was having a “wonderful time” as she danced and socialized with fellow guests Saturday night, wedding-goer Corinne Bauer was said to be blissfully unaware she had barely made the cut to receive an invitation.

Wedding Planner Suggests Replacing Unsightly Groom

NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that a lot of brides don’t give enough thought to such an important detail and end up regretting it later, local wedding planner Maureen Crompton suggested that her client Ali Peterson consider replacing the unsightly groo...

Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt

CHICAGO—Saying that you could tell by the way they stared into each other’s eyes, friends and family of newlywed couple Patrick and Heather Vaughn told reporters Friday that the bride and groom look so deeply in debt.

Gay Marriage State By State

The Supreme Court ruled this week that gay couples in Alabama will be allowed to marry in the months leading up to its ruling on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage, while other states continue to uphold bans.
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Cooking Class Instructor Can Already Tell Which Couples Signed Up Based On Marriage Counselor’s Recommendation

STATESVILLE, NC—Taking note of their audible sighs and the undercurrent of resentment evident in their attempts at cooperation, gourmet cooking class instructor Dana Robertson told reporters Wednesday she could already tell which couples signed up for her French Bistro Basics course based on their marriage counselor’s recommendation. “As soon as they went to their kitchen stations and started working their way through the recipe, you could overhear all the strained ‘I feel’ statements,” said Robertson, before subtly nodding toward a nearby couple who had sniped at each other for several minutes about how to properly blanch the vegetables before the woman took over full control of the process and relegated her partner to solely washing dishes. “A lot of times, it’s the silence that gives them away—all you hear is the sound of one of them chopping carrots a little too aggressively. I’d say it’s usually about half the class on any given night.” Robertson added that she generally prefers the couples suffering marital problems, saying their hushed bickering was much less aggravating than the constant giggling and playful sharing of bites of food between the couples who were deeply in love.


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