Divorced Man Sadly Removes Ex-Wife’s Admin Privileges From Home Security System

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Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Wedding Guest Blissfully Unaware She Barely Made The Cut

CARLISLE, PA—Saying she was having a “wonderful time” as she danced and socialized with fellow guests Saturday night, wedding-goer Corinne Bauer was said to be blissfully unaware she had barely made the cut to receive an invitation.

Wedding Planner Suggests Replacing Unsightly Groom

NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that a lot of brides don’t give enough thought to such an important detail and end up regretting it later, local wedding planner Maureen Crompton suggested that her client Ali Peterson consider replacing the unsightly groo...

Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt

CHICAGO—Saying that you could tell by the way they stared into each other’s eyes, friends and family of newlywed couple Patrick and Heather Vaughn told reporters Friday that the bride and groom look so deeply in debt.

Gay Marriage State By State

The Supreme Court ruled this week that gay couples in Alabama will be allowed to marry in the months leading up to its ruling on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage, while other states continue to uphold bans.

All The Cheapest Items On Wedding Registry Already Purchased

DAYTON, OH—Growing increasingly discouraged while scrolling through the wedding website for college friends Kevin Fisher and Allison Scully, local 25-year-old Rob Hoffman expressed his frustration to reporters Thursday that all the cheapest items on...

More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum

HYATTSVILLE, MD—Noting a generational shift in the way couples choose to build their lives together, the National Center for Health Statistics confirmed this week that a growing number of Americans are delaying marriage until one partner backs the o...
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Divorced Man Sadly Removes Ex-Wife’s Admin Privileges From Home Security System

BOULDER, CO—Following the completion of his lengthy divorce proceedings earlier this week, local man Brian Keller, 43, sorrowfully removed his now ex-wife’s administrator privileges from his home security system, sources confirmed Tuesday. According to reports, the divorcé walked slowly to the hallway control panel and sighed heavily before flipping open the plastic cover and using the directional keys to navigate to System Preferences and then System Administrators. After reportedly pausing for several moments to stare at the name Lisa Keller on the LCD screen, the man then took a deep, shaky breath, pressed Delete, and keyed in the four-digit security code to confirm the changes, erasing from the system all trace of the woman who for years shared access to the door sensors, motion detectors, and remote thermostat control. At press time, Keller was said to be sitting on the floor directly below the control panel, sobbing softly into his hands as he remembered the moment nearly a decade earlier when he and his new bride first accidentally tripped the high-decibel alarm.