adBlockCheck

Widower Just Doesn’t Have Energy To Waltz With Dead Wife’s Dress Tonight

Top Headlines

marriage

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Wedding Guest Blissfully Unaware She Barely Made The Cut

CARLISLE, PA—Saying she was having a “wonderful time” as she danced and socialized with fellow guests Saturday night, wedding-goer Corinne Bauer was said to be blissfully unaware she had barely made the cut to receive an invitation.

Wedding Planner Suggests Replacing Unsightly Groom

NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that a lot of brides don’t give enough thought to such an important detail and end up regretting it later, local wedding planner Maureen Crompton suggested that her client Ali Peterson consider replacing the unsightly groo...

Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt

CHICAGO—Saying that you could tell by the way they stared into each other’s eyes, friends and family of newlywed couple Patrick and Heather Vaughn told reporters Friday that the bride and groom look so deeply in debt.

Gay Marriage State By State

The Supreme Court ruled this week that gay couples in Alabama will be allowed to marry in the months leading up to its ruling on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage, while other states continue to uphold bans.

All The Cheapest Items On Wedding Registry Already Purchased

DAYTON, OH—Growing increasingly discouraged while scrolling through the wedding website for college friends Kevin Fisher and Allison Scully, local 25-year-old Rob Hoffman expressed his frustration to reporters Thursday that all the cheapest items on...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Widower Just Doesn’t Have Energy To Waltz With Dead Wife’s Dress Tonight

PORTLAND, ME—Saying he felt completely drained after a long and stressful day at work, local widower Harold Stein reported Thursday that he just doesn’t have the energy to waltz with his dead wife’s dress tonight. “Any other night, the first thing I’d do after I finish eating dinner and cleaning up the dishes is light a few candles, take Helen’s favorite gown from the hanger in the old cherry armoire, and slowly dance with it around the living room for a while, but I’m honestly pretty wiped out,” said Stein, adding that he was currently too tired to even consider holding out one sleeve of the dress while slowly twirling around to a staticky vinyl record of the couple’s wedding song, and would probably just kick back on the couch for a bit instead. “Just the thought of getting out her jewelry box and running my hand slowly across her old pearl necklace and then spritzing the room with the perfume she used to wear is making me feel totally exhausted. I’ll definitely still do it on our anniversary, but I just need some time to sit down and recharge right now.” At press time, Stein had reportedly decided to just lay a few articles of his wife’s clothing on the bed next to him and call it an evening.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close