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How To Talk To Your Child About Divorce

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Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Wedding Guest Blissfully Unaware She Barely Made The Cut

CARLISLE, PA—Saying she was having a “wonderful time” as she danced and socialized with fellow guests Saturday night, wedding-goer Corinne Bauer was said to be blissfully unaware she had barely made the cut to receive an invitation.

Wedding Planner Suggests Replacing Unsightly Groom

NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that a lot of brides don’t give enough thought to such an important detail and end up regretting it later, local wedding planner Maureen Crompton suggested that her client Ali Peterson consider replacing the unsightly groo...

Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt

CHICAGO—Saying that you could tell by the way they stared into each other’s eyes, friends and family of newlywed couple Patrick and Heather Vaughn told reporters Friday that the bride and groom look so deeply in debt.

Gay Marriage State By State

The Supreme Court ruled this week that gay couples in Alabama will be allowed to marry in the months leading up to its ruling on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage, while other states continue to uphold bans.

All The Cheapest Items On Wedding Registry Already Purchased

DAYTON, OH—Growing increasingly discouraged while scrolling through the wedding website for college friends Kevin Fisher and Allison Scully, local 25-year-old Rob Hoffman expressed his frustration to reporters Thursday that all the cheapest items on...

More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum

HYATTSVILLE, MD—Noting a generational shift in the way couples choose to build their lives together, the National Center for Health Statistics confirmed this week that a growing number of Americans are delaying marriage until one partner backs the o...
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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

How To Talk To Your Child About Divorce

Here are The Onion’s tips for discussing the often difficult topic of divorce with your child.

  • Preface the announcement by saying “I love you,” which will put your child at ease as they listen to you explain how love can crumble at any moment.
  • Begin with a simple, straightforward explanation of why this divorce is happening, what it will involve, and who Susan from marketing is.
  • Don’t resort to the blame game in explaining why you’re separating, as the kids will handle that part themselves.
  • Explain that divorce is actually fairly common. Your child might find it comforting to know that many of their classmates find themselves in the exact same hellish dungeon of pain, rage, and bitter, unending sorrow.
  • One easy way to expedite this whole thorny process is to tell one child and let word spread on its own.
  • Be patient, listen as much as you speak, and display other empathetic qualities that your marriage failed to incorporate.
  • Assuage your child’s concerns by reminding them that only a small percentage of kids from broken homes become murderers.
  • Remind your kids that while it may be difficult now, things will get easier with each subsequent divorce.
  • No matter how you decide to explain the situation to your child, the most important thing is to do so better than your spouse.


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