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ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Nation Unable To Discern Why Unattractive Woman On Screen

‘Maybe She’ll Be Attractive Later,’ Say Citizens

WASHINGTON—Expressing profound confusion and distress at what they were witnessing, the U.S. populace was unable to discern why an unattractive woman was suddenly on screen in front of them, sources reported Thursday.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Report: Most Americans Now Getting Their News While Peeking Out Between Fingers

WASHINGTON—In a comprehensive analysis of the nation’s media consumption habits, a report published Friday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans now receive their news while holding their hands over their eyes and peeking out between their fingers. “Whether in print, online, or televised form, our research indicates that 80 percent of Americans engage with news by cupping their hands over their eyes and occasionally steeling themselves to glance at the content before them,” said lead author Dr. Jacob Elam, noting that after opening a link to a news story, four out of five Americans stand up and walk away from their computers while muttering “Oh god, oh my god” before returning to their seats. “We also found that two-thirds of the American public now require at least 30 seconds of agitated hesitation before even typing ‘cnn.com’ into the address bar and, once on the site, immediately direct their attention toward several more palatable entertainment or sports articles before anxiously edging their way toward the day’s top headlines.” According to the researchers, while Americans tended to believe they’d be better off taking a day or two off from the never-ending news cycle, a solid majority throw their hands up, say “Fuck it,” and visit Twitter again.

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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