What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’

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Expensive Medical Treatments

Many Americans with life-threatening diseases have been refusing new medical treatments, saying the high costs outweigh the benefits. Here are a...

Jay-Z's Grandfather Busted With Trunk Full Of Canadian Prescription Drugs

BUFFALO, NY—Tyrone J. Carter, rap artist Jay-Z's 75-year-old grandfather, was arrested Monday for transporting prescription drugs across the Canadian border in the trunk of his 1998 Oldsmobile. "My grandson says I shouldn't have unlocked the trunk unless the cops had a warrant, but what's a man supposed to do?" said Carter, who was busted with more than $1,000 worth of pharmaceutical-grade Diovan, Lipitor, and Lanoxin. "Don't the police have anything better to do than hassle a sick old man? My insurance doesn't cover my pills anymore—I gotta get my heart medicine somewhere." The arresting officers said the pills had a U.S.-pharmacy value of nearly $18,000.

Prescription-Drug Safety

When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety:

Scientists Put Sleep-Inducing Power Of Agribusiness Today Into Pill

INDIANAPOLIS–At a press conference Monday, pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly unveiled Agritol, a new over-the-counter sedative with the sleep-inducing powers of the AM-radio program Agribusiness Today. Said Eli Lilly spokesman Gregory Bordick: "Each 40-milligram Agritol caplet contains a full 30 minutes of barley forecasts, grain-storage hints, and, just in case you need that extra help nodding off, citrus-canker reports." Last year, the FDA declared drought-relief coverage "unsafe" for use in sleep aids after lab animals' hearts stopped as a result of exposure.

Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

WEST JORDAN, UT–The pious calm of this peaceful Mormon enclave on the Great Salt Lake was shattered Monday, when, in what local church authorities are calling an "extremely disturbing" incident, 16-year-old Enoch Zachariah Young had his inhibitions severely lowered by the ingestion of three Benadryl®-brand allergy-relief tablets.

Acne Medication May Cause Dizziness, Nausea, Loss Of Hearing, Insomnia, Blood Clotting, Difficulty Breathing

RAMAPO, NJ–Dermalon, a new acne medication from Ramapo-based Franklin Laboratories, may cause a host of serious complications, a TV commercial for the product casually noted Monday. "Some Dermalon users may experience such side effects as dizziness, nausea, loss of hearing, insomnia, blood clotting, difficulty breathing, memory loss, bone rot, paranoid schizophrenia, and brain tumors," a friendly voice-over noted as a group of happy, clear-skinned teens frolicked on a beach. "Wake up to a clearer you with Dermalon." Franklin Laboratories is also the manufacturer of Follicin, a hair-restoration formula linked to explosive diarrhea and hyperobesity.

Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—In what it is touting as "a fun, delicious new way to combat Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," Ritalin manufacturer Novartis unveiled Ritalin Gummis Monday. "Good news, parents: Controlling your kids' wandering attention spans and erratic, impulsive behavior just got yummier," said Novartis director of product development Charles Bentley. "Available in five fruity flavors, Ritalin Gummis will soon be available at pharmacies and Brach's Pick-A-Mix displays everywhere." If the product is successful, Novartis rival Eli Lilly said it will likely move forward with a tart, sugary antidepressant tentatively dubbed "Paxil Stix."
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What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’

The FDA recently approved the sale of Flibanserin, a pink pill intended for women diagnosed with low sex drive; critics have questioned the pill’s effectiveness, while advocates are praising the move toward supporting both men and women with these sexual issues. Here are some of the most common questions about Flibanserin:

Q: How does Flibanserin work?
A: Women simply take the pill daily for four to eight weeks, feel no increase in happiness or desire, and then discontinue using it.

Q: Is it safe?
A: No. The female libido is a cloven-hoofed beast that must be caged.

Q: Where can I get Flibanserin?
A: From any doctor in possession of clipboards and pens with the Sprout Pharmaceuticals logo.

Q: What are the possible side effects?
A: Trial participants reported feelings of being duped, ripped off, and lied to.

Q: What are some of the proposed brand names?
A: Pink Lightning; Libido Juice; Corsoffren.

Q: How long does it take for Flibanserin to work?
A: Results vary depending on how gullible patient is.

Q: How much does it cost?
A: $29.99, but if you order now only $13.99, plus you’ll get 10 free jars of Orgasmo-Boom Skin Butter, all with free shipping and handling.

Q: Why was the drug rejected twice before?
A: Doesn’t matter now! It’s approved, baby!

Q: I’m a woman in my mid-50s in a loving relationship, but do not feel like engaging in sexual intercourse. Sometimes I feel as if my husband does not communicate how he truly feels about me or my body, and I have a hard time discussing this with him. Will this pill solve that?
A: Yes.

Q: Are there other alternatives for women?
A: Physicians have found equal efficacy in raising libido from reading The Cowboy’s Touch, Going Cowboy Crazy, or To Kiss A Texan.

Q: Will insurance cover Flibanserin?
A: Hold on there, little dreamer! Let’s work on basic contraception first.