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FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

FDA Approves New Drug For Treating Pill Deficiencies

WASHINGTON—In what is being considered a major breakthrough for the millions of Americans suffering from a severe lack of capsules and tablets, the FDA announced Friday that it had approved a new drug for treating pill deficiencies.
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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints. “Why, this bonafide bromide is an electrifying elixir 100-percent pledged to shellac shingles, overpower obesity and wallop warts, both of the ‘garden variety’ plantar and those rendering your undercarriage unsightly,” said lead researcher Dr. Thomas ‘Scoots’ Kinski, resplendent in a blindingly white linen suit and rapping a bamboo cane against a dusty banner advertising the wonder cure, purportedly the result of hundreds of hours of clinical and laboratory research. “It’ll put more pep in your step, fire in your belly, and for the fellas, even some more lead in your pencil—how about you, young fella? Need a little help with the missus? Step right up and you’ll feel right as rain!” Sources said that while even more rapidly enumerating the tonic’s alarming side-effects, the dandy researchers were suddenly chased from the scene by a nightstick-wielding police officer.

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FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

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