How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

FDA Approves New Drug For Treating Pill Deficiencies

WASHINGTON—In what is being considered a major breakthrough for the millions of Americans suffering from a severe lack of capsules and tablets, the FDA announced Friday that it had approved a new drug for treating pill deficiencies.
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Experimental Anti-Aging Treatment Still Has Few Kinks, Report Infant Researchers

BOSTON—Calling it a minor setback for what otherwise appeared to be a promising new medical intervention, a team of infant researchers announced Wednesday that their experimental anti-aging treatment still has a few kinks. “Though broadly successful across several different metrics, there were a few unforeseen, but relatively minor, complications in our initial trials that we are currently working to address,” said lead researcher Dr. Leonard Rothman, spittle dribbling down his pudgy cheek as he struggled to peek his little, bald head above the podium. “We have achieved tremendous results over the course of our tests, and although we’ve run into a few hitches along the way, we are confident that this will be a viable treatment.” Dr. Rothman added that his team very much looked forward to completing their work when their bodies were once again developed enough to operate lab equipment.

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