NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints. “Why, this bonafide bromide is an electrifying elixir 100-percent pledged to shellac shingles, overpower obesity and wallop warts, both of the ‘garden variety’ plantar and those rendering your undercarriage unsightly,” said lead researcher Dr. Thomas ‘Scoots’ Kinski, resplendent in a blindingly white linen suit and rapping a bamboo cane against a dusty banner advertising the wonder cure, purportedly the result of hundreds of hours of clinical and laboratory research. “It’ll put more pep in your step, fire in your belly, and for the fellas, even some more lead in your pencil—how about you, young fella? Need a little help with the missus? Step right up and you’ll feel right as rain!” Sources said that while even more rapidly enumerating the tonic’s alarming side-effects, the dandy researchers were suddenly chased from the scene by a nightstick-wielding police officer.