Life-Saving Drug More Accessible To Lab Rat Than Majority Of Americans

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FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

FDA Approves New Drug For Treating Pill Deficiencies

WASHINGTON—In what is being considered a major breakthrough for the millions of Americans suffering from a severe lack of capsules and tablets, the FDA announced Friday that it had approved a new drug for treating pill deficiencies.

Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin

GROTON, CT—Touting the new offering’s full-bodied flavor and bold, fruit-forward bouquet, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a vintage cask-aged variety of its popular cold medicine Robitussin on Friday. Labeled as Robitussin Reserve, the hi...

How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola

This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives.

Visit To Doctor Splurged On

WILMINGTON, DE—Admitting that it has been a long time since he’s allowed himself such an indulgence, local 26-year-old Greg Burnet told reporters Thursday that he recently decided to splurge on an appointment with his general practitioner.

Hospital Comforts Patients With New Therapy Oyster Program

CHICAGO—As part of an effort to provide comfort and serenity to patients, officials at Mount Sinai Hospital have launched a new therapy oyster program that brings hundreds of the bivalve mollusks to the bedsides of those most in need of cheering up.
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Life-Saving Drug More Accessible To Lab Rat Than Majority Of Americans

NEW YORK—Noting that the cost of the pharmaceutical drug places it out of reach for most of the U.S. populace, industry analysts confirmed Friday that the life-saving cancer medication Rizolafan remains far more accessible to a laboratory rat than to the vast majority of Americans. “While this drug has shown considerable efficacy in counteracting tumor growth, U.S. citizens who are currently suffering from advanced pancreatic or colorectal cancer are far less likely to obtain a desperately needed dose than any number of albino rodents locked in cages in a biotech firm’s animal lab,” said Mount Sinai chief of medicine Dr. Martin Aberg, who stated that the average rat infected with the terminal illness could expect to receive as much of the medication as needed, while the thousands of people suffering from the same disease who live in the wealthiest country in the world likely would not. “Whereas most cancer-stricken Americans face insurmountable barriers to receiving this drug, ranging from insufficient insurance coverage to unaffordable out-of-pocket costs, and despite the fact that such a treatment could ease their suffering and significantly extend their lives, it is nevertheless consistently and freely available to hundreds of rats, which do not have to contend with any such obstacles.” Analysts also confirmed that the average rodent was provided with more personalized and attentive care than nearly 98 percent of patients in American hospitals.