Man Needs Emotional Support Only A Woman Can Feign

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Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off

I must say, the quality of discourse in this country has taken a sharp plunge of late, not only among the ruffians and ne'er-do-wells from whom one expects coarse speech, but among gentlemen of letters and esteem. I have, with my own ears, several times in the past week, heard the elder sons of prominent families introduce into mixed company subjects formerly reserved for private discussion among gentlemen. It pains me even to raise this point, but following a string of recent events, there is no question that the adage bears repeating: A gentleman ought never to disclose who sucked him off.

Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys

COLUMBUS, OH—Though buddies Jim Foglia, Chuck Harvestine, and Russell Vento insisted that Thursday will be a "guys night out," certain key non-guys are likely to be in attendance, sources reported Tuesday. "Honey, we're just going to be drinking beer and talking about the Reds—nothing you'd be interested in," Foglia told his wife Emily, withholding information regarding specific plans to begin the night buying drinks for college girls at the Varsity Club. "Maybe we'll stop for burgers afterward, I don't know." Based on previous "guys' nights," the trio will more likely end the night in the company of non-male lap dancers at the Vroom Vroom Room.

I Didn't Mean To Lead You On By Fucking You

Hey, Lisa. Yes, I did get your phone messages, and I am so sorry I didn't get back to you right away. I'm glad you agreed to meet me for coffee, though, because we need to talk. See, I was sort of confused by some of the things you said on my voicemail: "Hey, that Kurosawa festival at the Orpheum was extended another week if you want to go." "There's a new Cuban place on Eustace Street. I'm free Thursday evening if you're interested." "Hi, Len, it's Lisa. Call me."

Husband Apologizing In Sleep

OGDEN, UT—For the third time in as many nights, Chuck Grimstead apologized to wife Olivia in his sleep Monday. "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean—hzzzzuwuh," the 43-year-old dentist muttered into his pillow at 4 a.m. "Urmmm... never do it again." Grimstead also promised to be more considerate of his wife's feelings the next time he decided to hnnrghhhh with his poker buddies.

Area Man Wants Something Made Of Titanium

PENDLETON, OR–Anthony Schilling is hoping to acquire something made of titanium, the 43-year-old claims adjuster reported Monday. "I can't afford a new titanium bike, but maybe I could get a pen or a watch," Schilling said of his lust for the low-density, corrosion-resistant alloy. "Or maybe I could get a pair of super-strong titanium binoculars. Whatever I wind up getting, though, it'll be really lightweight and last forever."

Man Nods Knowingly At Mechanic

GREENSBORO, NC–Attempting to conceal his ignorance of car repair, area resident Dave Snell, 39, nodded knowingly Monday as mechanic Bill Kreuter explained the precise nature of Snell's automotive problem. "He was telling me that the car had, like, a faulty alternator plug," Snell said. "So, you know, that's something that definitely needs to be fixed." Snell said his risky bluff almost backfired when Kreuter asked him how he gaps his plugs, to which Snell responded, "About the usual amount."
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Man Needs Emotional Support Only A Woman Can Feign

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying that an insincere feminine touch would do him a world of good, sources confirmed Monday that local man Jeff Cooper needs the type of emotional support only a woman can feign. “I’ve tried to be there to manufacture support and understanding for Jeff, but there’s only so much sympathy a regular friend can fake—he needs the convincing facade of tenderness and compassion of someone special,” said the 44-year-old’s longtime friend Peter Shaw, adding that, while he is always there to pretend to listen to Cooper, it simply isn’t the same as a woman’s fabricated affection. “He could really use the plausible facsimile of care and understanding of a woman to help get him back up on his feet. I think it would really pick him up.” Shaw added that seeing his friend in such a state makes him all the more thankful for the illusion of warmth and love he goes home to every night.