Man Needs Emotional Support Only A Woman Can Feign

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Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.
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TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.


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Man Needs Emotional Support Only A Woman Can Feign

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying that an insincere feminine touch would do him a world of good, sources confirmed Monday that local man Jeff Cooper needs the type of emotional support only a woman can feign. “I’ve tried to be there to manufacture support and understanding for Jeff, but there’s only so much sympathy a regular friend can fake—he needs the convincing facade of tenderness and compassion of someone special,” said the 44-year-old’s longtime friend Peter Shaw, adding that, while he is always there to pretend to listen to Cooper, it simply isn’t the same as a woman’s fabricated affection. “He could really use the plausible facsimile of care and understanding of a woman to help get him back up on his feet. I think it would really pick him up.” Shaw added that seeing his friend in such a state makes him all the more thankful for the illusion of warmth and love he goes home to every night.

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