Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

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Men's Style

Style For Men

Men's fashion choices are becoming increasingly more complex. Here are some tips to help you sort through the contradictory ideas you might have about what to wear: Socks inside of shoes; it's that simple. Your socks should match the color of your...

No Size-36 Pants Can Contain Me

What do we have here? Another cocksure contender who thinks he can get a leg up on the master? Well, come and give it your best shot, old boy, but be warned: History is strewn thick with the remains of size-36 pants who thought they could contain ol' Dennis Puttkamer.

Man In Suit Slams Fist On Desk

NEW YORK—A man wearing a suit slammed the fleshy portion of his fist on a mahogany desk Monday in an attempt to further emphasize a terse and...

Area Tank Top Strained Nearly To Breaking Point

SMYRNA, GA—A Smyrna-area tank top is under fire from local menswear advocates, who say the garment is so severely strained that it is in imminent danger of succumbing to explosive and potentially dangerous fabric-degradation-related rupture.

Guy At Bank Has Weird Hair For Guy Who Works At Bank

MODESTO, CA— Marc Kohle, a bank teller at Modesto First Federal, has weird hair for a guy who works at a bank, customers reported Monday. "Huh," said customer Kenneth Blaustein, 31, looking at Kohle's hair, which is long in the back with a pair of small, gelled horns in the front. "You just don't see that kind of 'do on a guy who works at a bank. Well, it is the downtown branch."

Hair Weave Shaved Off

JACKSONVILLE, NC–Choosing the popular "bald look" over a full, rich head of hair, Jacksonville resident Michael Elroy shaved off his $875 hair weave Tuesday. "I figured, hey, chicks like bald guys like Bruce Willis," Elroy told reporters following the four-minute weave removal. "Might as well go with the flow." In the past 10 years, the 41-year-old Elroy has had two tattoos removed through laser surgery, allowed three piercings to close, and twice dyed his bleached hair back to its original brown.

Unkempt Japanese Man Must Be Some Sort Of Artist Or Something

PITTSBURGH– After passing a haggard-looking Japanese man on the street Monday, area resident Gary Webber concluded that the guy must be some sort of artist or poet or something. "Normally, you see a guy dressed in a dirty, ripped coat with his hair all scruffed up, you figure he's just poor. But this guy was Japanese," Webber said. "I bet he's in town to do some kind of art opening. Or maybe a book signing. Whoever he is, he's got to be somebody."

Area Man's Hairstyle History Eerily Mirrors Kevin Bacon's

DAYTON, OH–For more than 15 years, Eric Rouse's hairstyles have eerily mirrored those of actor Kevin Bacon, friends of the 29-year-old reported Monday. "Remember around the time of Footloose, how Kevin Bacon's hair was all spiky? So was Eric's," friend Jeff Zell said. "Then, right about when Tremors came out, they both had it long and parted down the middle. Now they both sort of have it slicked back." Zell said he doesn't think Rouse, who is not a Bacon fan, is doing it on purpose, but noted that it's "just kinda weird."

Leather-Jacketed Congressman Makes Up His Own Rules

WASHINGTON, DC–U.S. Rep. Vinnie Abruzzo (I-NY), the greasy-haired, leather-jacketed legislator who joined Congress in January 1999, is fast earning a reputation as a man who makes up his own rules. "Just yesterday, Vinnie introduced H.R. 4673, which would amend the Internal Revenue Code of 1986 to provide for the establishment of medical security accounts for individuals who are 40 or older," said Rep. Howard Coble (R-NC). "When he did that, we were all like, 'Whoa, this guy's got his own set of laws he's making up here.' If we don't like it, I guess we could vote 'Nay,' but I don't know if that'd be such a good idea."
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Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday. “It’s a really nice place, so I figured I should put on my best,” said Finnegan, who reportedly seemed to think he had made clothing and grooming choices that will be regarded as appropriate for the semi-formal occasion. “I don’t have to wear a tuxedo or anything, but at a place like this, you can’t just show up in the usual.” At press time, Finnegan appeared to believe that he may have even overdressed.