PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.
Men's fashion choices are becoming increasingly more complex. Here are some tips to help you sort through the contradictory ideas you might have about what to wear: Socks inside of shoes; it's that simple. Your socks should match the color of your...
DES MOINES, IA—In what political insiders are calling one of the weirdest campaign gaffes in history, Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty shaved every single hair off his body this weekend while campaigning in Iowa.
PHILADELPHIA—Historians at the University of Pennsylvania announced the discovery this week of a personal diary from the late 18th century that reveals the first U.S. flag sewed by Betsy Ross was originally intended as a shirt for her flamboyant gay friend Nathaniel.
What do we have here? Another cocksure contender who thinks he can get a leg up on the master? Well, come and give it your best shot, old boy, but be warned: History is strewn thick with the remains of size-36 pants who thought they could contain ol' Dennis Puttkamer.
WASHINGTON—"It's going to be so romantic!" said Brooklyn resident Lydia Simonson, who along with hundreds of thousands of citizens will soon excuse herself from her daily duties, and retreat into a nearby bathroom to carefully tend to the area around her vulva.
SMYRNA, GA—A Smyrna-area tank top is under fire from local menswear advocates, who say the garment is so severely strained that it is in imminent danger of succumbing to explosive and potentially dangerous fabric-degradation-related rupture.
MODESTO, CA— Marc Kohle, a bank teller at Modesto First Federal, has weird hair for a guy who works at a bank, customers reported Monday. "Huh," said customer Kenneth Blaustein, 31, looking at Kohle's hair, which is long in the back with a pair of small, gelled horns in the front. "You just don't see that kind of 'do on a guy who works at a bank. Well, it is the downtown branch."
JACKSONVILLE, NC–Choosing the popular "bald look" over a full, rich head of hair, Jacksonville resident Michael Elroy shaved off his $875 hair weave Tuesday. "I figured, hey, chicks like bald guys like Bruce Willis," Elroy told reporters following the four-minute weave removal. "Might as well go with the flow." In the past 10 years, the 41-year-old Elroy has had two tattoos removed through laser surgery, allowed three piercings to close, and twice dyed his bleached hair back to its original brown.
PITTSBURGH– After passing a haggard-looking Japanese man on the street Monday, area resident Gary Webber concluded that the guy must be some sort of artist or poet or something. "Normally, you see a guy dressed in a dirty, ripped coat with his hair all scruffed up, you figure he's just poor. But this guy was Japanese," Webber said. "I bet he's in town to do some kind of art opening. Or maybe a book signing. Whoever he is, he's got to be somebody."
DAYTON, OH–For more than 15 years, Eric Rouse's hairstyles have eerily mirrored those of actor Kevin Bacon, friends of the 29-year-old reported Monday. "Remember around the time of Footloose, how Kevin Bacon's hair was all spiky? So was Eric's," friend Jeff Zell said. "Then, right about when Tremors came out, they both had it long and parted down the middle. Now they both sort of have it slicked back." Zell said he doesn't think Rouse, who is not a Bacon fan, is doing it on purpose, but noted that it's "just kinda weird."
PITTSBURGH—Saying that no characteristic was a better predictor of success in relationships, a new study released by Carnegie Mellon University’s Department of Psychology on Thursday concluded that not acting like a total fucking moron is the most attractive quality one can find in a potential mate.
We here at The Onion are fully aware that our own reporters, like all members of the power-mad, out-of-control media, frequently overstep these sacred boundaries by scrutinizing the decisions and actions that those in mighty seats of authority, such as Mr. Gianforte, do not wish to discuss.