Tips For Conquering Phobias

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Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Once-Loyal Enabler Betrays Man By Suggesting Therapy

ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of faithfully supporting every bad decision he made, a formerly dependable enabler of local man Ken Vatter reportedly betrayed him Thursday by casually suggesting he see a therapist about his problems.

Wave Of Dread Makes Rare Daytime Appearance

KETTERING, OH—Caught totally off-guard by the sudden onset of unease, local woman Mary Inglewood confirmed to reporters Monday that her usual wave of dread had made an extremely rare daytime visit.

Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus

ALBANY, NY—Citing a range of severe symptoms including hallucinations, disorientation, and disorganized speech, the Albany County Department of Mental Health said Wednesday that local man Shawn Zellicoff will be involuntarily committed to the 125 Cl...
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

  • Before beginning any treatment, ask yourself if you really want to get rid of the one thing that makes you special.
  • Empower yourself! Keep a short list handy of all the things that don’t scare you.
  • Build your coping skills by going up a “fear ladder.” First, look at pictures of dentists. Then, look at a dentist through a window. Next, slowly approach one and pat him gently on the head, staying away from the ears and mouth. Soon, you’ll find yourself passing dentists on the street without fear.
  • Make an appointment either with a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy or a psychiatrist who prescribes a whole bunch of pills.
  • Learn some relaxation techniques for when you feel anxious, like slowly inhaling and exhaling chloroform.
  • Remember, the engineers who designed the bridge are just as scared of you driving over it as you are.