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mental health

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression

Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How To Meditate

The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.
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Mental Illness Determined Not To Let Stigma Of Area Man Define It

ASHEVILLE, NC—Saying it refused to be pigeonholed by widespread misconceptions about its condition, the mental illness of area man Greg Luger told reporters Tuesday that it was determined not to let the societal stigma associated with the 31-year-old define it. “There’s always been a lot of shame associated with Greg,” said Luger’s depressive disorder, adding that until now, it had spent its entire life actively trying to hide the fact that it suffers from Greg and convincing itself that Greg was just a symptom of its own weakness. “When people find out that I’m struggling with Greg, they perceive me differently. And, look, I get it—if you don’t suffer from Greg, it can be hard to understand something that does. But just because I have this one serious problem doesn’t mean I want to be pitied or avoided. I was born with Greg, but I’m more than him. Much, much more.” At press time, a boost in medication dosage was making Greg marginally easier to cope with.

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Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

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