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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

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mental health

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression

Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How To Meditate

The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:
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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems. “Our findings suggest that resolving all of the major issues plaguing one’s life, as well as all the minor ones, is correlated with a considerable decrease in the body’s cortisol levels, leading to lower stress and an increase in reported life satisfaction,” said the report’s lead author, Ellen Monroe, who added that getting oneself out of debt, ironing out any interpersonal conflicts at one’s workplace, patching up all disagreements with one’s spouse and family members, finding a good and affordable nearby restaurant option for when one’s friend is in town visiting, and taking care of several hundred other lingering concerns in one’s life was found to appreciably lessen feelings of worry and tension. “Once our trial subjects had thoroughly and successfully addressed every situation in their lives that was bothering them, the improvements to mental well-being were almost immediate. In fact, we would recommend that anyone experiencing anxiety try eliminating every last obstacle in their life as soon as possible.” Monroe later noted, however, that fixing all one’s problems resulted in barely a 12 percent reduction in anxiety on average, with the remaining baseline level of generalized anxiety continuing to persist and affect one’s thoughts and quality of sleep at all times regardless of whatever actions an individual has chosen to take.

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