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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression

Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
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Trump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-Lago

President Trump says the new beachside property will provide a much-needed getaway from his seemingly endless days spent in Mar-a-Lago’s pools, ballrooms, and croquet courts.
President Trump says the new beachside property will provide a much-needed getaway from his seemingly endless days spent in Mar-a-Lago’s pools, ballrooms, and croquet courts.

ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Speaking Wednesday from the grounds of the lavish tropical estate where he plans to spend much of his downtime while in office, Donald Trump unveiled a new presidential retreat he hopes will allow him to escape from the grueling pace of life at Mar-a-Lago.

With its sunny climate, secluded setting, and luxurious accommodations, the 45-acre Caribbean hideaway known as Isola Vista—which sits on a pristine white-sand beach along the island of St. Thomas’ southern coast—will reportedly serve as a haven where the president can find respite from his five-star Palm Beach, FL resort and its many day-to-day pressures.

“After a while, all that time spent at Mar-a-Lago starts to take a toll,” Trump said of the relentless routine of recreation and extravagance he experiences at his oceanfront Florida club. “I’m there so much that sometimes I just need to get away and clear my head. Here in St. Thomas I’ll have a place where I can simply relax and, for a little while at least, forget about all those headaches I left behind in Palm Beach.”

Added the president, “A few days in the Caribbean should be all I need to feel refreshed and ready to get right back to the usual grind of Mar-a-Lago.”

According to sources, considerable efforts have been made at Isola Vista to create a tranquil retreat far removed from the rigorous schedule of golf, fine dining, and spa treatments the commander-in-chief faces every single day he is in Florida.

His stressful days at Mar-a-Lago reportedly begin at 6 a.m. with a breakfast prepared by a Michelin-starred chef, followed by an early tee time at the award-winning Trump International Golf Club. By the time the last wearying soiree at his private club finally winds down, the president is often completely exhausted, aides say, prompting his decision to decamp to Isola Vista for some much-needed rest and leisure.

“It’ll be great to fly down here from Mar-a-Lago and have a little me time,” said Trump, describing how the new retreat will finally let him enjoy some peace and quiet away from his exclusive members-only Florida resort. “The amount of unwinding I’ve done in Palm Beach lately has left me completely drained. Hopefully Isola Vista will allow me to recharge anytime I overdo it at Mar-a-Lago and start to feel run down.”

Following his first visit to Isola Vista, presidential advisers confirmed Trump’s time away appeared to have had a positive effect on his mood and energy level.

“The new retreat seems to have worked wonders on the president,” Trump aide Jessica Ditto told reporters. “When he returned to Mar-a-Lago, he was eager to dive right back into his packed daily schedule immediately and couldn’t wait to get started on the day’s first hot-stone massage.”

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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

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