TACOMA, WA—Remarking upon the enormous caution she now takes before saying or doing anything in the presence of a loved one, local mother Sharon Powell, 64, told reporters Tuesday she knows any wrong move she makes could be interpreted by her family as a telltale sign of dementia.
Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:
- Before beginning any treatment, ask yourself if you really want to get rid of the one thing that makes you special.
- Empower yourself! Keep a short list handy of all the things that don’t scare you.
- Build your coping skills by going up a “fear ladder.” First, look at pictures of dentists. Then, look at a dentist through a window. Next, slowly approach one and pat him gently on the head, staying away from the ears and mouth. Soon, you’ll find yourself passing dentists on the street without fear.
- Make an appointment either with a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy or a psychiatrist who prescribes a whole bunch of pills.
- Learn some relaxation techniques for when you feel anxious, like slowly inhaling and exhaling chloroform.
- Remember, the engineers who designed the bridge are just as scared of you driving over it as you are.