Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

Top Headlines

mental health

Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression

Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How To Meditate

The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action. “Donald Trump has definitely said a lot of things that have reinforced my paranoid worldview, but I still haven’t heard that one key phrase that I know will really set me off,” said the psychologically disturbed 45-year-old, who noted that Trump’s remarks over the past 12 months, while increasingly vitriolic and incendiary, have not yet been worded in such a way that speaks directly to his delusional beliefs and spurs him to act on his manic, deep-seated rage. “It might not be tomorrow, or next week, or maybe not even until the debates, but sooner or later Trump is going to utter a perfectly phrased comment that provokes a major reaction from me. It could be a statement comparing all refugees to the 9/11 hijackers, or one that describes liberal judges as enemies of the Constitution bent on removing all our freedoms—regardless, I have complete confidence that between now and Election Day, something he says will just click and set me on an irreversible course of action.” The deeply troubled individual added that if Trump were to ever direct a bitter comment toward women who use Planned Parenthood services, that might be just the ticket.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close