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mental health

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Confirming that the findings were consistent across all age, gender, racial, and socioeconomic demographics, a study published Monday in ‘The American Journal of Psychology’ determined that “hangin’ in there” is the best one can ever expect to feel.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.
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Super 8 Offering Writers Residency For Anyone Working On Suicide Note

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Calling it an idyllic setting for penning one’s final goodbyes, Super 8 Motels announced a new writing residency Friday for anyone working on a suicide note. “Writers accepted to this program will be awarded free lodging in one of our motel rooms, off any highway exit they choose, where they can draw upon the environment for inspiration in crafting a letter expressing how they just need to end it all,” said Wyndham Worldwide CEO Stephen Holmes, adding that a small per diem for food would also be provided so residents who have already given away their life’s savings can purchase their remaining meals at the Wendy’s across the parking lot. “We ask all applicants to provide a brief statement explaining why they want to kill themselves, how much better off the world will be without them, and how they imagine benefiting from the Super 8 spaces that have inspired so many writers before them to take their own life. While the length of the program is open-ended, our writers typically choose to conclude their residency after a few days or even hours.” Holmes went on to say that Super 8 guests who aren’t part of the residency program often feel inspired to start writing anyway.

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