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mental health

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Confirming that the findings were consistent across all age, gender, racial, and socioeconomic demographics, a study published Monday in ‘The American Journal of Psychology’ determined that “hangin’ in there” is the best one can ever expect to feel.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.
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Subconscious Can’t Wait To Turn Offhand Remark From Boss Into Dream About Drowning Horse

BROOKLINE, MA—Chomping at the bit to twist the benign statement into an absolutely terrifying image, the subconscious of local man David Vanwell reportedly couldn’t wait Monday to turn an offhand remark by his boss into a dream about a drowning horse. “Oh yeah, as soon as he falls asleep I’m going to manifest that frivolous comment from the earlier meeting into a horrifying visual of a stallion vainly flailing for its life as it slowly disappears underwater,” said Vanwell’s psyche, excitedly planning every detail of the panicked horse’s descent to a watery grave that will somehow represent his supervisor’s innocuous observation. “I’ve been waiting for the perfect excuse to drop a stallion in an above-ground swimming pool where it can sink down, down, down as if to the bottom of the ocean even though the pool itself is only six feet high, and now I have it. He’s not going to know what hit him when the horse starts gurgling for help in his boss’s voice.” At press time, Vanwell’s subconscious suddenly realized the drowning horse scenario could segue nicely into a scene of him being trapped inside a burning freight elevator that symbolized a casual text from his girlfriend.

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