Fed-Up Employee Just About 14 Years Away From Walking Out Door

In This Section

mental health

Once-Loyal Enabler Betrays Man By Suggesting Therapy

ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of faithfully supporting every bad decision he made, a formerly dependable enabler of local man Ken Vatter reportedly betrayed him Thursday by casually suggesting he see a therapist about his problems.

Wave Of Dread Makes Rare Daytime Appearance

KETTERING, OH—Caught totally off-guard by the sudden onset of unease, local woman Mary Inglewood confirmed to reporters Monday that her usual wave of dread had made an extremely rare daytime visit.

Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus

ALBANY, NY—Citing a range of severe symptoms including hallucinations, disorientation, and disorganized speech, the Albany County Department of Mental Health said Wednesday that local man Shawn Zellicoff will be involuntarily committed to the 125 Cl...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Fed-Up Employee Just About 14 Years Away From Walking Out Door

WALTHAM, MA—Frustrated with a growing list of unacceptable workplace indignities, fed-up Catamount Systems employee Marc Holden is just about 14 years away from walking out the front door of his office and never returning, sources confirmed Thursday. “I swear to God, if things don’t improve around here real fast, I am out of here in 14 years or so—I am not bluffing,” Holden said, noting that if he has to endure just a decade and a half more of company-wide incompetence and pointless micromanagement, he is gone for good. “Seriously, I don’t think I can take any more than 3,000 more days of this before I snap. Mark my words, if 2029 rolls around and it’s still the same old shit around here, I’m cleaning out my desk, getting on that elevator, and never coming back.” Holden added that if his boss belittled him in front of the entire staff just 200 more times, he would storm right into his office and tell him exactly where he can stick it.


Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More