Misremember The Alamo!

I can still remember a time, not so long ago, when folks actually cared about our whitewashed cultural heritage. Whatever happened to unqualified...

Cocky Attempt To Operate ATM In Spanish Backfires

SAFFORD, AZ—During a Monday night stop at an automated-teller machine, an overconfident Scott Tifton failed to withdraw cash using the machine's Spanish instructions. "My girlfriend Lisa was with me at the ATM, so I pressed Spanish as a joke," Tifton said. "I figured I could rely on my high-school Spanish, but instead of giving me $100, the deposit slot lit up. Then I hit what I thought meant 'cancel' a couple times, and it ate my card. We were going out to dinner for our two-year anniversary, and Lisa had to pay." Tifton said he probably could have figured out the instructions if he had been at his normal branch.

ESL Textbook Concentrates On Food-Preparation Vocabulary

NEW YORK–An English as a Second Language textbook focuses predominantly on food-preparation vocabulary, night-school student Eduardo Reyes reported Monday. "I must admit, I would like to learn how to say more than, 'I have diced the onions,' and, 'Did he want scrambled or over-easy?'" said a disconsolate Reyes, speaking through a translator, following his first lesson. "I had hoped to learn words for the different parts of the body so I can pursue my dream of becoming a doctor. I have instead learned much about the grilling of chickens."

U.S. Leads World In Mexican-Food Availability

UNITED NATIONS– According to a U.N. report released Monday, for the 16th straight year, the U.S. ranks first in the world in Mexican-food availability. "The U.S. boasts an unrivaled abundance of Mexican food, producing 23 billion pounds of tacos, enchiladas, and burritos in 1999," the report read. "No other nation on Earth can claim such plenty with regard to beans-and-rice-based Mexican fare." Japan ranked second, with the top five rounded out by Canada, Mexico, and the United Kingdom.
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Prison Warden Vows To Take Away El Chapo’s Tunnel Privileges If Captured

ALMOLOYA DE JUAREZ, MEXICO—Following the drug kingpin’s recent escape from the maximum security facility, Arturo Terrazas, warden of the Altiplano prison in central Mexico, vowed Monday to take away Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s tunnel privileges if he is captured. “Here at Altiplano, prisoners must earn their access to any of our mile-long electrically lit and ventilated subterranean passageways, and I can assure you that Mr. Guzman will be forfeiting this right once he is taken into custody and reincarcerated,” Terrazas told reporters, adding that Guzman will also be expressly prohibited from renting out any power tools or dollies from the prison workshop as part of the additional punitive measures he will face if he is apprehended. “Mr. Guzman will need to establish a long track record of good behavior before we even consider reinstating his daily visits to the tunnel system that connects the prison grounds with various homes surrounding the complex. Of course, even then we will restrict him to 60-minute sessions conducted after the rest of our resident population has finished using the underground corridors themselves.” Terrazas concluded that, while Guzman must be disciplined, he believes it would be inhumane to also deprive the cartel leader of his ventilation duct hours.

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