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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.
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Kicking, Screaming Warren Buffett Dragged From Caesars Palace After Losing Everything At Roulette Wheel

A raging Warren Buffett vowed he’d return to the casino to “win every last dime from those bloodsuckers” the minute he was once again one of the most successful investors in the world.
A raging Warren Buffett vowed he’d return to the casino to “win every last dime from those bloodsuckers” the minute he was once again one of the most successful investors in the world.

LAS VEGAS—Cursing at security officers as he fought their efforts to escort him from the premises, a kicking, screaming Warren Buffett was reportedly dragged from Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino early Wednesday morning after losing his entire fortune playing roulette.

The Berkshire Hathaway chairman, who sources said had been betting almost continuously and in progressively greater amounts since checking into the hotel approximately 12 hours earlier, reportedly squandered $78.7 billion in stocks, bonds, real estate, and liquid assets by the time guards arrived to remove him.

“It was hard watching him blow all his money like that, just sitting there putting down these giant stacks of chips even as he was getting deeper into the hole,” said casino patron Dwayne Mitchum, adding that Buffett initially seemed upbeat—drinking comped rum-and-cokes and casually dispensing free mutual-fund advice to other players—before his mood began darkening as he gambled away more and more of his wealth. “Then when he lost his very last $3.5 billion, you could almost see the blood draining from his face. He kind of froze for a second, like he was in some kind of trance.”

“That’s when he slumped against the table and just started sobbing,” Mitchum added.

According to sources, the 86-year-old business magnate frequently attempted to borrow money over the course of his gambling binge once he had exhausted his own personal resources. While Berkshire Hathaway vice chairman Charlie Munger declined to lend him $40 billion despite Buffett’s promise he’d have it “back and then some” in an hour, Buffett was eventually able to have $5 billion wired to him by several of the company’s senior board members, whose concerns were reportedly allayed by assurances that he was “good for it.”

“For a little while, at least, he was riding a really hot hand—I remember around midnight he won four or five $2 billion bets in a row,” croupier Molly Giorgi told reporters, noting that at one point the so-called Oracle of Omaha had attracted the attention of two young women who stood on either side and cheered him on as he collected his winnings. “But then he started wagering $6 billion here, $10 billion there, and pretty soon he was down to just a few billion, which was all the money he had left in the world.”

“When he pushed those last chips toward me, I asked him if he was sure, and he just loosened his tie, smoothed back his hair, and said, ‘Shut up and put it on 22,’” she continued, recalling that the room went silent as the ball skittered around before finally landing on 19. “Once he saw he’d lost, he just snapped, wailing about how he was on the hook for billions to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and that he didn’t know what they’d do when they found out he was now completely broke.”

Witnesses confirmed that as security personnel approached, a disheveled, perspiring Buffett launched into a stream of verbal attacks directed at casino employees, whom he accused of either rigging the wheel or using an “illegal ball.” Buffett reportedly then made a sudden break toward the slot machine area, where he snatched several patrons’ cups of quarters before tripping over his own feet and stumbling into a cocktail waitress.

Quickly pinned to the floor by guards, he was then whisked out a side door, frantically screaming for help because “those casino crooks took all my money.”

“I felt bad seeing him take the loss so poorly, but then again I was standing near him when he hit a $10 billion column bet and tucked 2.8 [billion] into my shirt pocket for being his ‘lucky charm,’” said Phoenix-area visitor and now 239th richest person in America, Bob Raskow. “But that’s Vegas for you—it doesn’t matter if you run the fourth-largest public company on the planet, the house always wins.”

At press time, a trembling Buffett was seen sitting on the curb outside Caesars Palace with his head in his hands, repeatedly dialing his wife’s number and hanging up as soon as he heard her voice.

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