Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

Top Headlines


The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Election 2016

More Election Coverage

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed. “We’re inviting our supporters to join Donald for an afternoon of violent shoving, enraged chanting, and throwing sucker punches, with all proceeds going toward our efforts to make America great again,” said Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, explaining that the event included a $50-a-head clash with protesters in the parking lot outside the Prudential Center, where complimentary rocks and glass bottles to throw would be provided. “Gold-level supporters who give over $500 to the campaign will have a reserved spot inside the vicious, uncontrollable scrum in the arena, where they can enjoy brawling with others or screaming racial slurs at the various minorities who will be on hand throughout the event. And our platinum-level donors—those who pledge over $1,000—will be given exclusive access to the press section, where they can knock a camera out of a photographer’s hand or slam a reporter of their choice to the ground. It’s sure to be a lively event.” At press time, the campaign had surpassed its goal of raising $5 million, leading Trump’s advisors to organize a fundraising Molotov cocktail hour outside a Hillary Clinton rally to be held later this week.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close