Nation Descends Into Utter Moral Chaos Following 'Dear Abby' Writer's Death

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Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

Number Astronomically High For Harmonious,  Postracial 21st-Century America, Researchers Say

NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di...

Report: It All Some Kind Of Sick Joke

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a new report published this week, researchers at Princeton University and the Institute for Advanced Study have definitively concluded that it—all of it—is some kind of sick joke. The comprehensive study, which...

Mexico Killed In Drug Deal

MEXICO CITY—In the latest incident of drug-related violence to hit the country, all 111 million citizens of Mexico were killed Monday during a shoot-out between rival drug cartels.

Google Announces Plan To Destroy All Information It Can't Index

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Executives at Google, the rapidly growing online-search company that promises to "organize the world's information," announced Monday the latest step in their expansion effort: a far-reaching plan to destroy all the information it is unable to index.

Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A'

PASADENA, CA—Well-known frontman for Alvin & The Chipmunks, the singing group that included his brothers Simon and Theodore, Alvin Seville is adored by millions for his intricate vocals on such playful songs as "Alvin's Harmonica" and "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)." The chipmunk celebrates his 70th birthday this month, as well as his 46th year bearing the scarlet letter "A"—the mark of shame that reminds members of the animal kingdom that he is an actor who has adopted the ways of humankind.

U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror

WASHINGTON, DC—In a response to recent acts of extreme violence against Americans in Iraq and mounting criticism of U.S. military policy at home, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced the government's new strategy of fighting terror with terror Monday.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Nation Descends Into Utter Moral Chaos Following 'Dear Abby' Writer's Death

MINNEAPOLIS—Following the death of 94-year-old “Dear Abby” columnist Pauline Phillips, the nation reportedly plunged into complete and utter moral chaos today, with thousands of queries on everything from table manners to tricky ethical dilemmas piling up unanswered on the late writer’s desk. “I never realized how much I relied on her advice until this afternoon, when my fourth-grader came home with a bad report card and I didn’t know whether to call his teacher, request a face-to-face conference with her, or find her after school and murder her” said visibly confused “Dear Abby” reader Karen McCutcheon, 34, who along with millions of other Americans confirmed she now lacks the guidance necessary to know whether to get her boss a present for his birthday or set fire to his home while he’s sleeping. “I can’t ask Abby what to do about the dog next door who won’t stop barking and now I’m wondering: Should I kill him? Fuck him? Kill him first and then fuck him and eat him? I just don’t know anymore.” At press time, sources confirmed that in the absence of the tart-tongued columnist’s helpful advice, the disoriented nation had resorted to mass lootings, group suicides, and gang rape, sinking deeper and deeper into internecine tribal warfare.