Nation Descends Into Utter Moral Chaos Following 'Dear Abby' Writer's Death

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Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

Number Astronomically High For Harmonious,  Postracial 21st-Century America, Researchers Say

NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di...

Teen Sexting Not As Prevalent As Thought

A study published in the journal Pediatrics revealed that only one in 100 teens had sent nude or sexually explicit images via phone, as opposed to the previous estimate of one in five.

U.S. Horse Slaughter To Resume

A five-year ban on the butchering of horses for meat has expired, meaning slaughterhouses can once more process horses for human consumption.

Canada Keeps Marijuana Illegal

Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper announced last week he would not decriminalize and tax marijuana, despite calls to do so from the current mayor and four former mayors of Vancouver.

Report: It All Some Kind Of Sick Joke

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a new report published this week, researchers at Princeton University and the Institute for Advanced Study have definitively concluded that it—all of it—is some kind of sick joke. The comprehensive study, which...

Mexico Killed In Drug Deal

MEXICO CITY—In the latest incident of drug-related violence to hit the country, all 111 million citizens of Mexico were killed Monday during a shoot-out between rival drug cartels.
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Nation Descends Into Utter Moral Chaos Following 'Dear Abby' Writer's Death

MINNEAPOLIS—Following the death of 94-year-old “Dear Abby” columnist Pauline Phillips, the nation reportedly plunged into complete and utter moral chaos today, with thousands of queries on everything from table manners to tricky ethical dilemmas piling up unanswered on the late writer’s desk. “I never realized how much I relied on her advice until this afternoon, when my fourth-grader came home with a bad report card and I didn’t know whether to call his teacher, request a face-to-face conference with her, or find her after school and murder her” said visibly confused “Dear Abby” reader Karen McCutcheon, 34, who along with millions of other Americans confirmed she now lacks the guidance necessary to know whether to get her boss a present for his birthday or set fire to his home while he’s sleeping. “I can’t ask Abby what to do about the dog next door who won’t stop barking and now I’m wondering: Should I kill him? Fuck him? Kill him first and then fuck him and eat him? I just don’t know anymore.” At press time, sources confirmed that in the absence of the tart-tongued columnist’s helpful advice, the disoriented nation had resorted to mass lootings, group suicides, and gang rape, sinking deeper and deeper into internecine tribal warfare.

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