Congress Allocates $500 Million For Development Of Funkier Bass Lines

Top Headlines


New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Avoiding Popular Songs Somehow Accomplishment For Local Man

OAKLAND, CA—Speaking with evident pride as he mentioned how he doesn’t listen to the radio, local man Dan Mills appeared to be under the impression that his avoidance of mainstream music was somehow a noteworthy accomplishment, sources confirm...

Study: Not Many Disco Songs About Daytime

NEW YORK—In perhaps the most comprehensive analysis yet of the genre’s lyrical content, a Columbia University study published Friday found that very few disco songs have been written about daytime. The survey, which encompassed every known dis...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Congress Allocates $500 Million For Development Of Funkier Bass Lines

WASHINGTON—Stating that the measure was essential for holding down the beat and getting people outta their seat, Congress reportedly allocated $500 million Monday for the development of funkier bass lines. “This funding will go a long way toward improving today’s bass lines, which have steadily grown less funky and often fail to truly get down, and will help establish a set of new booty-shaking grooves,” said Rep. Dave Trott (R-MI), who co-sponsored the bill with Rep. Cedric Richmond (D-LA), adding that Congress has already begun working with numerous experts, including Bootsy Collins, Victor Wooten, and Flea, to produce syncopated runs and fat, gooey tones on a variety of low-end riffs intended to tear the roof off the sucka. “By innovating new rapid-fire slap and pop techniques, as well as investing heavily in a state-of-the-art envelope filter, we hope to significantly increase the development of thumping old-school bass solos, ensuring that Americans will bust loose on the dance floor for years to come.” The bill comes on the heels of Congress’ recent $1 billion allocation to fund the establishment of a super-tight horn section.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close