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Nature

Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan

CAMP VERDE, TX—Ambushed in broad daylight by a fanatical admirer, sources reported Monday that a local deer was shot by an obsessed fan.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Report: 17 New Species Of Bacteria Found Every Day In World’s Rainforest Cafés

NASHVILLE, TN—A new report published Friday by researchers at Vanderbilt University revealed that 17 new species of bacteria are discovered every day during expeditions into the lush plastic foliage of the world’s Rainforest Cafés. “During our study, our researchers identified and classified more than 12,000 previously unknown microbes living in the Rainforest Café biome,” said lead author Nadia Lopez, adding that an astonishing number of unicellular microorganisms were thriving on the rims of Cheetah Rita glasses, in pools of water on the tables, and deep within the chocolate lava volcano cake. “It’s challenging for biologists to keep up with the rate at which new endotoxin-secreting species are discovered. And we’ve only worked our way through the first few items on the menu.” The researchers went on to speculate that the gift shop would likely contain undiscovered bacteria all its own.

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