Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Coddled Potted Plant Could Never Make It On Outside

BEVERLY, MA—According to sources, an impeccably maintained local 3-year-old Philodendron would be “as good as dead” if it ever left the pampered confines of its terra cotta pot and tried to make it on the outside.

Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn

SEATTLE—After repeatedly gorging itself on marine sea life for more than seven years, a severely obese chinook salmon told reporters Wednesday he had grown too overweight to swim upstream and reproduce.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Load Of Mulch Dumped In Kind Of Ballsy Location

ST. CLOUD, MN—Onlookers expressed shock and grudging admiration Wednesday after noticing a full load of mulch had been dumped in what all agreed was a pretty ballsy location. The 50 pounds of compost was reportedly shoveled onto the extremely unort...

Millions Of Barrels Of Oil Safely Reach Port In Major Environmental Catastrophe

PORT FOURCHON, LA—According to witnesses, the catastrophe began shortly after the tanker, which sailed unimpeded across the Gulf of Mexico, stopped safely at the harbor and made contact with oil company workers on the shore. Soon after, vast amounts of the black, toxic petroleum in the ship’s hold were unloaded at an alarming rate into special storage containers on the mainland.

Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture

GALVESTON, TX—"Given their intelligence, we believed dolphins would be capable of trashing Lady Gaga, or at least, succeed in rolling their eyes at Kendra Wilkinson’s post-baby weight gain," said a scientist. "Instead, all we observed were blank, snarkless stares."

EPA: Stubborn Environment Refusing To Meet Civilization Halfway

WASHINGTON—The EPA called most of the environment’s day-to-day processes rude and inconsiderate, like its over-reliance on "perfectly clean soil" for sustainable growth, and its continual inability to act in good faith and adapt to rising carbon dioxide levels.

Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs

ZACKENBERG RESEARCH STATION, GREENLAND—According to oceanographers, the Arctic Circle has been devastated by the effects of global warming in recent years, threatening hundreds of men and women who use the frozen tundra as a place to conduct bizarre experiments in human-animal grafting or carry out massive government cover-ups.
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Dormant Supervolcano Underneath Yellowstone Figures Now As Good A Time As Any

JACKSON, WY—Taking note of the circumstances that were presently transpiring on the surface, the dormant supervolcano located 12 miles beneath Yellowstone National Park reportedly thought to itself Friday that now was probably just as good a time as any. “You know, I’ve gotta do this sooner or later, and frankly, this just feels like a pretty decent time to pull the trigger and go through with this thing, so why not?” the 11,200-cubic-mile magma chamber reportedly told itself, adding that after 630,000 years without a supereruption, and given the week the landmass above it had just endured, the time seemed right to unleash an explosion 1,000 times more powerful than the Mt. St. Helens eruption and blanket much of North America in several feet of fiery ash, immediately killing 90,000 people and setting off a nuclear winter that would slowly annihilate millions more. “It’s been a while, and I mean, I’m more or less due on a geologic time scale, so today seems like a good enough day to me. I might as well just go for it, right?” At press time, the nation’s citizens were breathing an immense sigh of relief as an onrushing wall of superheated gas and volcanic ejecta came hurtling toward them.


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