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Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Noting that the marine mammal looks for any excuse to bring up the incident, sources confirmed Friday that a local humpback whale still won’t shut up about the one time he was beached.

How To Start A Community Garden

A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:

Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.
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Department Of Interior Asks For Resignation Of Obama-Era Elk

WASHINGTON—In order to ensure a uniform transition to the new administration, the Department of Interior on Thursday requested the immediate resignation of all Obama-era elk. “We are asking all elk appointed by President Obama, regardless of subspecies, to step down from their posts by no later than June 1,” said Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, adding that the dismissal of more than a million of the ungulate land mammals was not unlike restructurings carried out by past administrations that wished to staff the nation’s forests and mountain ranges with their own personnel. “We would like to thank the departing elk for the grazing they have provided, and we welcome their assistance as we transition to the new herds. We are, of course, excited to start working with our incoming elk, whose migration patterns and antler-shedding cycles are more compatible with the vision of the Trump White House.” At press time, many of the elk that had been fired had taken to the media to bugle in protest.

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