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Nature

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.

Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Noting that the marine mammal looks for any excuse to bring up the incident, sources confirmed Friday that a local humpback whale still won’t shut up about the one time he was beached.
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God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday. “At approximately 0700 hours today, 100 units of our finest mosquitoes were dispatched to augment the 20,000,000 already positioned across the country as part of our large-scale summer offensive,” said the Creator of All Things, explaining that the deployments were concentrated in highly contested combat zones such as Atlanta, Chicago, and Washington, D.C., which had already sustained significant losses due to U.S. citronella defenses and propane insect foggers. “These mosquitoes are fresh out of the pupa stage and ready to fight. They’ll focus on occupying beaches throughout the Eastern Seaboard, Great Lakes region, and the South, holding off any counteroffensive until the heat and humidity arriving later this summer create more favorable conditions for the next stage of the invasion.” The Lord also announced plans to ramp up His use of biological warfare, as thousands of the newly stationed mosquitoes had been equipped with pathogens carrying malaria, West Nile, and the Zika virus.

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Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Noting that the marine mammal looks for any excuse to bring up the incident, sources confirmed Friday that a local humpback whale still won’t shut up about the one time he was beached.

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