adBlockCheck

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

Top Headlines

Nature

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Coddled Potted Plant Could Never Make It On Outside

BEVERLY, MA—According to sources, an impeccably maintained local 3-year-old Philodendron would be “as good as dead” if it ever left the pampered confines of its terra cotta pot and tried to make it on the outside.

Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn

SEATTLE—After repeatedly gorging itself on marine sea life for more than seven years, a severely obese chinook salmon told reporters Wednesday he had grown too overweight to swim upstream and reproduce.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Load Of Mulch Dumped In Kind Of Ballsy Location

ST. CLOUD, MN—Onlookers expressed shock and grudging admiration Wednesday after noticing a full load of mulch had been dumped in what all agreed was a pretty ballsy location. The 50 pounds of compost was reportedly shoveled onto the extremely unort...

Millions Of Barrels Of Oil Safely Reach Port In Major Environmental Catastrophe

PORT FOURCHON, LA—According to witnesses, the catastrophe began shortly after the tanker, which sailed unimpeded across the Gulf of Mexico, stopped safely at the harbor and made contact with oil company workers on the shore. Soon after, vast amounts of the black, toxic petroleum in the ship’s hold were unloaded at an alarming rate into special storage containers on the mainland.

Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture

GALVESTON, TX—"Given their intelligence, we believed dolphins would be capable of trashing Lady Gaga, or at least, succeed in rolling their eyes at Kendra Wilkinson’s post-baby weight gain," said a scientist. "Instead, all we observed were blank, snarkless stares."

EPA: Stubborn Environment Refusing To Meet Civilization Halfway

WASHINGTON—The EPA called most of the environment’s day-to-day processes rude and inconsiderate, like its over-reliance on "perfectly clean soil" for sustainable growth, and its continual inability to act in good faith and adapt to rising carbon dioxide levels.

Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs

ZACKENBERG RESEARCH STATION, GREENLAND—According to oceanographers, the Arctic Circle has been devastated by the effects of global warming in recent years, threatening hundreds of men and women who use the frozen tundra as a place to conduct bizarre experiments in human-animal grafting or carry out massive government cover-ups.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nature

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison. “When the new creek is completed in 2018, it will not only be the fastest tributary in the nation, but also a vital conduit for the quick and efficient transport of leaves, small sticks, and light sediment through the poorly drained western Vermont rural corridor,” said Jewell, who noted that the cutting-edge, streamlined creek would flow at nearly twice the rate of the nation’s network of outdated and meandering brooks. “With a span of nearly 8 feet between banks and water that’s upwards of knee-deep, this creek will be unlike anything you currently see crossing the country, and will all but eliminate the problem of fallen branch congestion. This is an important first step in catching up to the modern, ultra-fast creeks seen in highly advanced Asian countrysides.” While favored by the Obama administration, high-speed creeks have been criticized by a number of experts as poor investments better suited for the smaller backcountries of Europe and Japan, with many arguing that America’s abundance of vast open expanses meant the Interior Department should instead focus its energies on improving and facilitating the nation’s gusts.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close