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Nature

How To Start A Community Garden

A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:

Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Coddled Potted Plant Could Never Make It On Outside

BEVERLY, MA—According to sources, an impeccably maintained local 3-year-old Philodendron would be “as good as dead” if it ever left the pampered confines of its terra cotta pot and tried to make it on the outside.

Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn

SEATTLE—After repeatedly gorging itself on marine sea life for more than seven years, a severely obese chinook salmon told reporters Wednesday he had grown too overweight to swim upstream and reproduce.
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Goose Suddenly Realizes It Doesn’t Have To Honk Like An Idiot Entire Time It’s Flapping Wings

ELK RAPIDS, MI—The insight abruptly springing to mind as the bird took flight, a local goose suddenly realized Wednesday that it doesn’t have to honk like an idiot the entire time it’s flapping its wings. “Wow, I guess I don’t need to squawk like a goddamn moron during every single takeoff and landing,” said the Canadian goose, all at once aware that it truly had no reason for screeching like a jackass every time it used its wings in the slightest, let alone merely waddled around on some grass. “I feel pretty stupid for all the years I’ve spent bellowing my lungs out like a real grade-A dope. I saw a duck glide quietly onto a pond the other day, and it made me realize what a fucking racket I must have been making all this time.” At press time, the goose was startled by the realization that it didn’t have to veer dangerously close to an oncoming jet engine every single time it took to the sky.

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Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

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