adBlockCheck

NBA Basketball

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.
End Of Section
  • More News

Carmelo Anthony Confident He Can Still Help Contender Flame Out In First Round

NEW YORK—Insisting that he’s capable of reaching the same heights as in the past, small forward Carmelo Anthony told reporters Wednesday that he is confident he can still help a contender flame out in the first round. “I may not be in my prime anymore, but I know I still have what it takes to help a team secure a high playoff seed and then get unexpectedly trounced in the first round,” said Anthony, who claimed he has not lost the skills to make an All-Star game, get fans’ hopes up in the regular season, and then implode against an inferior opponent before even reaching the conference championship. “Even if I’m not the number one option, I can help drag down a promising player by dominating the ball with constant one-on-one isolations and be a defensive liability that makes it impossible to beat a true championship contender in the playoffs. Everyone knows I still have plenty of postseason disappointment left in the tank.” Anthony also promised to bring invaluable veteran leadership to any team’s locker room arguments.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close