SAN ANTONIO—Speaking to reporters after announcing his retirement from professional basketball, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan proudly reflected on all of the academic degrees he accumulated during his 19 years in the NBA.
OAKLAND, CA—In the midst of celebrating the team’s first NBA title Sunday after defeating the Golden State Warriors, sources confirmed that Cleveland Cavaliers players sheepishly told power forward Kevin Love that they weren’t aware of any postgame parties taking place later in the night.
THE HEAVENS—Despite allowing the Cavaliers to win the city’s first major sports championship in 52 years, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Sunday that He still hates Cleveland fans.
CLEVELAND—Claiming that it has been a constant source of motivation throughout his career, Golden State Warriors power forward Draymond Green revealed to reporters Thursday that he is able to recite, completely from memory, the names of every single player drafted ahead of him in NBA history.
SAN ANTONIO—Interrupting teammates, coaches, and trainers during their pregame preparations Tuesday evening, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly delivered a stern reminder that the team must adhere to the maximum occupancy limit of their locker room.
ATLANTA—Stressing that most of the competitions over the past several seasons have been “boring” and “totally unwatchable,” Hall of Famer and Inside The NBA analyst Charles Barkley insisted Monday night that modern basketball fans wouldn’t stand a chance of winning during the far tougher halftime contests of the 1990s.
LOS ANGELES—Amid a massive outpouring of acclaim from fans, fellow athletes, and media members ahead of his retirement, players on the Los Angeles Lakers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are kind of curious what it must be like to be inspired by Kobe Bryant.
HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that the team’s regular-season dominance made him unlikely to question any accomplishment attributed to them, local 29-year-old Jared Dwyer told reporters Thursday that he is ready to believe absolutely any statistic about how good the Golden State Warriors were this year.
SAN FRANCISCO—Explaining that the harrowing 27-hour operation only had a 13 percent chance of success, doctors from UCSF Medical Center recalled Thursday the incredibly difficult procedure to separate the conjoined Splash Brothers at birth.
LOS ANGELES—Having recently announced his impending retirement after 20 seasons in the NBA, Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant reportedly grew wistful and teary-eyed Friday while reflecting on all the mistakes his teammates made throughout his career.
CHICAGO—Calling it “disrespectful” and “totally disgusting,” members of the Chicago Bulls expressed their frustration to reporters Wednesday over point guard Derrick Rose’s habit of always leaving his torn ligaments strewn all over their locker room.
CHICAGO—Noting that the charitable gesture has done wonders for his general mood and energy levels, officials from the NBA Cares program confirmed that several members of the Chicago Bulls made a surprise visit to a local hospital Wednesday to spend time with Derrick Rose
With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.
NEW YORK—Noting that the rampant problem has devastated rosters across the league, representatives from the National Basketball Players Association demanded an increased referee presence in high-foul areas, sources confirmed Friday.
CLEVELAND—With the 11-time NBA All-Star making no move to take out his wallet after receiving his Reuben from the counter, sources at Earl’s East Side Market confirmed Thursday that Cavaliers forward LeBron James was clearly expecting the deli to give him the sandwich for free.
OAKLAND, CA—Saying that he had so much pent-up energy that he would likely remain wide awake until tip-off, Cleveland Cavaliers shooting guard J.R. Smith told reporters Thursday that he was far too excited and nervous before Game 1 of the NBA Finals to sleep through head coach David Blatt’s locker room speech.