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Knocked-Out Secret Service Agents Wake To Realize Jimmy Carter Loose

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HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

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Knocked-Out Secret Service Agents Wake To Realize Jimmy Carter Loose

PLAINS, GA—After regaining consciousness on the floor of the den inside Jimmy Carter’s private residence, a pair of groggy Secret Service agents quickly realized that the 91-year-old former president was on the loose, sources reported Wednesday. “He must have got his hands on a brick or something and knocked us out when we had our backs turned,” said agent Sam Knox while gingerly touching a large, swollen bump on the back of his head, later adding that this isn’t the first time Carter had evaded the Secret Service, recounting an incident in 2014 in which the retired statesman had offered Knox and his colleagues lemonade laced with a powerful laxative. “He’s quick as hell and a lot stronger than he looks, and he’s smart—very smart. You can’t let your guard down for even a second.” Secret Service officials went on to stress that time was of the essence, and issued an APB alerting authorities to be on the lookout for one “Jim Cartwright” or “Carter Jimenez” at any nearby low-income housing construction sites, alternative energy forums, or disputed elections.

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