Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.
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‘Wall Street Journal’ Reintroduces Nudes After Failed Yearlong Experiment

NEW YORK—Reversing the highly publicized and controversial change to its pages, The Wall Street Journal announced Friday that the daily newspaper will resume featuring nude photographs after a failed yearlong experiment with nudity-free issues. “While we remain committed to updating the paper for a contemporary audience, we’ve come to realize that tasteful nudity has always been part of what makes The Wall Street Journal so beloved by our readers,” said editor-in-chief Gerard Baker, adding that beginning with the following week’s Monday edition, the Journal’s signature pictorials of topless and fully naked women will return alongside its award-winning reporting, business-focused news coverage, and weekly columns from Peggy Noonan and Holman W. Jenkins Jr. “Flipping to page C6 every morning and opening the centerfold featuring that day’s ‘Boardroom Babe’ is part of what makes the Journal the venerable institution that it is. By bringing back nudity, we are embracing The Wall Street Journal’s original guiding philosophy, which celebrates a lifestyle of hard-hitting news, economic analysis, and appreciation of the female form.” Baker went on to say that as a consequence of the change, The Wall Street Journal will once again be wrapped in plastic on newsstands and will be illegal to purchase by anyone under the age of 18.

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