Lockheed Martin Sales Staff Instructed To Really Push Tactical Air-To-Surface Missiles This Week

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God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Report: Limbo Competition Nation’s Last Example Of Pure Meritocracy

PRINCETON, NJ—Saying that no system as equitable or impartial could be found within the realms of government, business, or academia, a study released Wednesday by Princeton University’s Department of Sociology found that limbo competitions are the nation’s last example of a pure meritocracy.

Guantanamo Bay Begins Construction On Senior Care Wing

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Saying the expansion would ensure the facility is adequately prepared for upcoming challenges, officials at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp announced Wednesday that they had broken ground on a new geriatric care wing.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Lockheed Martin Sales Staff Instructed To Really Push Tactical Air-To-Surface Missiles This Week

BETHESDA, MD—In an effort to make a dent in the arms manufacturer’s excess inventory, members of the Lockheed Martin sales team were reportedly instructed during their staff meeting earlier this week to really push the company’s supply of tactical air-to-surface missiles. “Hey, guys, I really need you to step up your game this week—I know we were throwing our weight behind shoulder-fired anti-tank systems last month, but we’ve got a quota to meet and need all these JASSM missiles to move before the end of Q3,” said sales director Peter Donaldson, adding that staff members should make an effort to upsell the infrared homing missile when filling aircraft-integrated guided weaponry orders for their regular clients. “Do whatever it takes to unload this stuff: place a few cold calls to foreign defense agencies, offer to throw in a couple Stalker drones for free. I don’t care what you have to do, just so long as we can hit our numbers and make way for the anti-aircraft shipments we’ve got coming in at the end of the month.” Members of Donaldson’s team said they weren’t particularly worried about the directive, noting that they can always reach out to their congressional contacts and move however many missiles they need to via a last-minute rider on any pending bill.