WASHINGTON—Assuring them it isn’t much trouble at all, U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez is reportedly allowing all 7.8 million unemployed Americans to crash at his place until they are able to get back on their feet, sources confirmed Thursday.
‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President
WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
WASHINGTON—Teleporting via wormhole from points across all of space and time, thousands of parallel world leaders have arrived in Washington, D.C. for this year’s interdimensional summit, sources reported Wednesday.
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Taken aback by the packaging’s unexpected honesty and directness, sources expressed surprise Wednesday upon noticing that a can of brand-name aerosol disinfectant was so forthright about giving you cancer.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Having difficulty looking gathered members of the press in the eye, researchers from the University of Virginia announced at a news conference Wednesday that they didn’t have the heart to reveal what a recent study determined will happen to one in five women in the U.S.
WASHINGTON—Describing the structure as purely utilitarian and devoid of any inspirational characteristics, officials from the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division launched an international media campaign Wednesday downplaying the symbolic value of the Golden Gate Bridge.
GALVESTON, TX—Amid a spate of public health warnings this week regarding the infectious disease’s devastating effects on fetal development, the Zika virus reportedly joined a lack of paid maternity leave and unaffordable child care as reasons why local woman Shannon Kemp is afraid of becoming pregnant.
NEW YORK—Noting the volatility of various retirement products and the long-term uncertainty of global markets, financial advisor Michael Reynolds recommended Tuesday that investors always keep one bullet in the chamber, just in case.
THE HEAVENS—Saying He was dealing with a lot of stuff at the time, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Monday that He was in a pretty bad place when He created the universe.
LOS ANGELES—Saying they wanted the editorial staff at online media company Insightable to be creative and really play around with it, representatives from Suncoast Snackfoods reportedly emphasized Monday that, when creating the corporation’s new branded entertainment, the digital publisher should just have fun with the whole thing.
CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting the alleged victim must have an ulterior motive, numerous residents told reporters Thursday that local woman Beth Hutchins probably made up her story about being raped just so she could receive a barrage of threatening emails.
MUNICH—Expressing concern that they wouldn’t come up with anything good before the International Motor Show in September, concept car designers at BMW’s corporate headquarters admitted to reporters Thursday they have been struggling to think of cool new ways for their automobiles’ doors to open.
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Researchers from the University of Illinois released a new study of occupational hazards Wednesday revealing that 90 percent of workplace injuries in the United States are caused by bare-knuckle boxing.
PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.
WASHINGTON—Leaning in close behind the first lady and softly whispering into her ear, President Obama gently guided Michelle’s hand as she maneuvered a Predator drone joystick control to acquire a high-value overseas target, White House sources confirmed Friday.
NASHVILLE, TN—The results of a comprehensive multiyear study charting the educational achievement of children throughout the United States were released Friday, revealing that the nation’s girls are increasingly outperforming their future employers in all subjects.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
ALBANY, GA—Explaining that she felt relaxed and had a renewed sense of focus, local account manager Kayla Eggert told reporters Monday that she had returned to work from her recent vacation completely refreshed and ready to waste time.