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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

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A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Ryan Lochte Now Changing Account Of Events Going Back Years Before Robbery

Olympian Claiming He Was Never A Competitive Swimmer, Works As A Graphic Designer

CHARLOTTE, NC—Amid conflicting reports of his alleged robbery in Rio de Janeiro alongside three of his teammates, sources confirmed Thursday that U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has begun changing his account of events going back years before the incident.

NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’

FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

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Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else

CHICAGO—Rolling their eyes and sighing under their breath as they listened to the man babble on about how he had a wife and two young daughters at home, a group of individuals being held captive by gunmen in a Chicago warehouse reportedly grew annoyed at a fellow hostage Thursday who was lording the fact that he had a family over everyone else.

Report: Some People Actually Very Happy

ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.
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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements:

  • Make system less reliant on corporations’ natural altruistic tendencies

  • Lure more customers into the marketplace by offering coupon for one free pancreas

  • Peanut allergy weirdos to pay an extra $90,000 in annual premiums

  • Diversify member options by offering plans that cover varying levels of desire to live

  • Adopt Scandinavian model of wellness by discouraging Americans from being lazy pieces of shit

  • Maintain insurers’ ability to play God by allowing them to pull the plug on up to 1,500 members per year

  • Maybe—and this is just a shot in the dark—rather than relying on private citizens’ employers to select individual insurance plans from third-party providers, the government could try taking a little bit out of everyone’s paychecks and then buy one great big insurance plan that covers everybody when they get sick? Not sure if there’s a term for that. Would that work?

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