adBlockCheck

News

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
End Of Section
  • More News

God Pissed After Learning Cost To Replace Earth’s Core

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling aloud as He looked in disbelief at the quote He received from a contractor, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly became pissed Monday after learning how much it would cost to replace the earth’s core. “I knew putting in a new core was going to set me back a little, but jeez, this is just outrageous,” said the irate Creator of All Things, who added that He could tell the guy giving Him the estimate was “trying to screw [Him] over,” noting that He had the atmosphere on Uranus fixed for half the cost two millennia ago even though that planet is “way bigger.” “That guy also said the mantle is in pretty bad shape and that I should get that replaced too while I’m at it, and then he said I’d have to put in all new volcanoes that are compatible with all of that. Once you factor in parts and labor, this is fricking highway robbery.” God later mentioned that at such a high price point, there was “really no use” in replacing the earth’s core, as the whole planet only had a few usable years left anyway.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close