Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Top Headlines

News

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Report: Limbo Competition Nation’s Last Example Of Pure Meritocracy

PRINCETON, NJ—Saying that no system as equitable or impartial could be found within the realms of government, business, or academia, a study released Wednesday by Princeton University’s Department of Sociology found that limbo competitions are the nation’s last example of a pure meritocracy.

Guantanamo Bay Begins Construction On Senior Care Wing

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Saying the expansion would ensure the facility is adequately prepared for upcoming challenges, officials at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp announced Wednesday that they had broken ground on a new geriatric care wing.

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Here’s how experts recommend we prepare for the next Katrina:

  • Cities can adequately prepare residents for life after a natural disaster by razing low-income neighborhoods beforehand
  • Every household should have an emergency storm preparedness kit that includes an extra five stories of elevation
  • Learning from the humiliation of Katrina, FEMA has stockpiled almost 10,000 body bags to avoid any potential shortages
  • Every family should designate a fixed point to gather to watch disaster footage on TV
  • Citizens nationwide can prepare for disasters by having a stash of sympathetic Facebook posts and tweets ready to go
  • To avoid the most devastating effects, coastal areas must be proactive before a storm by engaging in diplomacy with it while it is still offshore
  • Alpha Phi must go on spring break in New Orleans now before it’s too late
  • The most at-risk residents along shorelines are encouraged to board up their orifices with plywood and tie themselves down at all times
  • Above all, federal, state, and local governments must work in partnership in order to comprehensively botch an emergency response together