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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Report: Bots Now Make Up 22% Of Twitter Executives

SAN FRANCISCO—Threatening to undermine the social media company at the highest levels, a report released Wednesday found that bots now make up 22 percent of all Twitter executives. “While bots are by nature difficult to tally, the data suggests that about one in five members of Twitter’s upper management are computer algorithms programmed to respond with hot links and spam based on key terms spoken in meetings,” said lead author Craig Anders, explaining that Twitter’s lax oversight of bots since the site’s inception has left it with virtually no protocols for removing the fake senior executives. “There have also been several instances of the bots trolling fellow board of trustees members with anti-Semitic and homophobic remarks, as well as heckling CEO Jack Dorsey himself with the derogatory term ‘race cuck.’ Twitter would obviously like to crack down on these automated executives, but given their ability to be rapidly generated, not to mention the generous golden parachutes written into their contracts in case of termination, it’s hard to imagine anything being done for the foreseeable future.” According to sources, the bots are projected to hold a majority on Twitter’s board within the next three to five years.

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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

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