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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Buick Regal Named Best Vehicle In Class For Idling Outside Off-Track Betting Parlor

ANN ARBOR, MI—Edging out the Chevy Malibu for the third year in a row, the Buick Regal topped Car And Driver’s annual list of best midsize sedans for idling outside an off-track betting parlor, sources confirmed Tuesday. “When you just need to pop your head inside the OTB to see how your ponies are running, the Buick Regal outperforms the competition across the board,” said Car And Driver editor Eddie Alterman, noting that the car’s heated seats were ideal for anyone who wanted to lay down a quick $50 trifecta before the window closed and then return to a cozy interior on the coldest of nights. “On the other hand, if your parlay’s going full tilt and you need to double down, the Regal’s great fuel efficiency lets you keep the car humming by the curb until you can find a way to get back in the green.” Alterman added that the Buick Regal had more than enough room to accommodate a driver’s girlfriend and up to three of her kids.

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