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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.
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Man Leaves Position He Would Kill For 3 Years From Now To Pursue Dream Job

NEW YORK—Eager to begin the exciting next chapter in his life, Polaris Market Solutions associate Chris Wardentine left the job he would kill to have back three years from now to pursue his dream of documentary filmmaking, sources confirmed Thursday. “I really do enjoy working here, but sometimes you just have to step out of your comfort zone if you want to achieve all your goals,” said Wardentine, who will be desperate for the reliable salary and other benefits of the job he is boldly exiting once his first project leaves him $40,000 in debt. “Let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger. So if I don’t give it a shot now, then when?” At press time, Wardentine was bidding a fond farewell to the coworkers he will be emailing three years from now about potential openings in any department at the company.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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