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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.
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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday. “I have no idea if this exhaustion I’m feeling means I’m coming down with something or if I’m just getting back from the office,” said Markowski, who noticed his body becoming achy throughout the day either from contracting an illness or the effects of his regular Monday-through-Friday routine. “I’m completely drained and lightheaded. I feel like this every day when I leave work, of course, but that doesn’t mean I’m not also coming down with something. Whatever it is, I really need to lie down.” At press time, Markowski was waking up to nausea and a headache that either meant he was getting sicker or merely that he remembered the stack of paperwork waiting for him.

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