WASHINGTON—Teleporting via wormhole from points across all of space and time, thousands of parallel world leaders have arrived in Washington, D.C. for this year’s interdimensional summit, sources reported Wednesday.
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Taken aback by the packaging’s unexpected honesty and directness, sources expressed surprise Wednesday upon noticing that a can of brand-name aerosol disinfectant was so forthright about giving you cancer.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Having difficulty looking gathered members of the press in the eye, researchers from the University of Virginia announced at a news conference Wednesday that they didn’t have the heart to reveal what a recent study determined will happen to one in five women in the U.S.
WASHINGTON—Describing the structure as purely utilitarian and devoid of any inspirational characteristics, officials from the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division launched an international media campaign Wednesday downplaying the symbolic value of the Golden Gate Bridge.
GALVESTON, TX—Amid a spate of public health warnings this week regarding the infectious disease’s devastating effects on fetal development, the Zika virus reportedly joined a lack of paid maternity leave and unaffordable child care as reasons why local woman Shannon Kemp is afraid of becoming pregnant.
NEW YORK—Noting the volatility of various retirement products and the long-term uncertainty of global markets, financial advisor Michael Reynolds recommended Tuesday that investors always keep one bullet in the chamber, just in case.
THE HEAVENS—Saying He was dealing with a lot of stuff at the time, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Monday that He was in a pretty bad place when He created the universe.
LOS ANGELES—Saying they wanted the editorial staff at online media company Insightable to be creative and really play around with it, representatives from Suncoast Snackfoods reportedly emphasized Monday that, when creating the corporation’s new branded entertainment, the digital publisher should just have fun with the whole thing.
CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting the alleged victim must have an ulterior motive, numerous residents told reporters Thursday that local woman Beth Hutchins probably made up her story about being raped just so she could receive a barrage of threatening emails.
MUNICH—Expressing concern that they wouldn’t come up with anything good before the International Motor Show in September, concept car designers at BMW’s corporate headquarters admitted to reporters Thursday they have been struggling to think of cool new ways for their automobiles’ doors to open.
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Researchers from the University of Illinois released a new study of occupational hazards Wednesday revealing that 90 percent of workplace injuries in the United States are caused by bare-knuckle boxing.
PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.
WASHINGTON—Leaning in close behind the first lady and softly whispering into her ear, President Obama gently guided Michelle’s hand as she maneuvered a Predator drone joystick control to acquire a high-value overseas target, White House sources confirmed Friday.
NASHVILLE, TN—The results of a comprehensive multiyear study charting the educational achievement of children throughout the United States were released Friday, revealing that the nation’s girls are increasingly outperforming their future employers in all subjects.
WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq.
NEW YORK—In a deal that spared him capital punishment for his alleged orchestration of the 9/11 attacks, former al-Qaeda operative Khalid Sheikh Mohammed reluctantly accepted a judge’s alternative sentence requiring him to coach a disorderly youth baseball team, sources confirmed Wednesday.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb rising deer populations nationwide, the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Monday that will provide free condoms to all of the country’s fawns.
QOM, IRAN—Running into the bathroom with armfuls of the fissile material after spotting several United Nations nuclear inspectors approaching for a surprise visit, panicked scientists at Iran’s Fordow Fuel Enrichment Plant reportedly scrambled to flush more than 200 pounds of enriched uranium-235 down the toilet Monday.
SOCORRO, NM—Initiating emergency procedures and sealing security doors throughout the complex, scientists at Monsanto reportedly placed the agrochemical company’s main laboratory on lockdown Thursday after discovering a shattered, empty tomato containment unit.
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
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