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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Facebook Vows Not To Hand Over Users’ Medical Records To Government

MENLO PARK, CA—Vowing that the social media site would always safeguard the sensitive information, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that his company would never hand over users’ medical records to the government. “Privacy in the digital age is a huge concern, and we want anyone logging onto Facebook to rest assured that we will not provide the government with any test results or current medications,” said Zuckerberg, adding that the site’s two billion active users could also choose how much of their medical history they wished to have automatically shared in their timeline simply by updating their privacy settings. “We are committed to ensuring that your confidential medical information stays between you, Facebook, and your doctor. We will not divulge your genetic predispositions or past diagnoses, including mental health issues, to the government without your express permission.” Zuckerberg went on to say, however, that medical histories would continue to be utilized to provide Facebook users with helpful targeted ads.

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