WALTHAM, MA—Calling it nothing short of a mental health crisis for the group, a study published Monday in ‘The New England Journal Of Medicine’ found that depression was up sharply among teenage girls able to perceive any part of the world around them.
WASHINGTON—Saying respondents were adamant that any such phenomenon be extremely tall and move with incredible speed, a Pew Research Center poll released Monday found that 78 percent of Americans hope that whatever event ultimately wipes out humanity will feature a gigantic tidal wave.
BRUSSELS—Hailing the effort as their most promising confectionary-extraction project to date, Godiva executives held a press conference Wednesday to announce that one of their deep-sea rigs had successfully tapped the world’s largest known offshore ganache deposit.
‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director
WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.
WASHINGTON—Explaining that people needed to get started soon if they wanted to be ready by January 20, the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising Americans to practice saying the words “President Trump” every day over the next two months in order to prepare themselves to use the phrase from Inauguration Day onward.
JACKSON, WY—Taking note of the circumstances that were presently transpiring on the surface, the dormant supervolcano located 12 miles beneath Yellowstone National Park reportedly thought to itself Friday that now was probably just as good a time as any.
WASHINGTON—Stressing that citizens who failed to heed the recommendation were putting their health and well-being at risk, experts strongly urged Americans this week to get saving $30,000 out of the way before a Republican-controlled federal government repeals Obamacare.
NEW YORK—Marking the joyous occasion with singing, dancing, and a chorus of ecstatic cheers, an estimated 2 million citizens gathered beneath the Times Square countdown clock Tuesday night to celebrate the end of the 2016 election season, sources reported.
EL PASO, TX—Saying they were forced to use lethal force after the statistician and FiveThirtyEight founder attempted to breach a secure checkpoint, United States Border Patrol agents confirmed Friday that Nate Silver was gunned down while trying to cross into Mexico with all the polling data from the 2016 general election.
CLEVELAND—Speaking to reporters following the successful eight-hour procedure Tuesday, neurosurgeons at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed they had removed a golf ball–sized tumor from the visual cortex of filmmaker Ken Burns, restoring the documentarian’s ability to see in full color.
NEW YORK—Sharing the link on their news feeds with captions such as “You have to read this!” and “Check out what a buddy of mine wrote,” Paul Krugman’s Facebook friends reportedly spent Tuesday morning excitedly posting about a new article of his that was published in The New York Times.
SAN FRANCISCO—Explaining how their company was poised to usher in a bold new era of innovation, founders of local startup Intuihub told reporters Wednesday that their mission is to explore the intersection of technology and another thing.
HAWIJA, IRAQ—Responding to his captors’ demands that he divulge who he is and what he was doing in the region, kidnapped journalist Tim Cascella reportedly found himself Thursday having to explain to several ISIS militants what BuzzFeed News is.
WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,” vice president Joe Biden was reportedly stopped by “killjoy” Secret Service members Tuesday who moved quickly to shut down his unofficial White House tour.
KANSAS CITY, MO—Providing a brief warning before the footage began playing, several lines of text that preceded a three-minute video clip from a police officer’s body camera reportedly informed viewers Monday they were about to see pretty much exactly what they’d expect.