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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.
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Report: Still A Few Seconds Left Where Plane Low Enough To Crash With Everyone Surviving

CHICAGO—Determining that no one had anything to worry about for the time being, passengers aboard a 737 taking off at O’Hare International Airport reported Thursday that the plane would still be low enough for a few seconds longer that it could crash with everyone surviving. “We’re not that high off the ground yet, so if the engines gave out right this instant, it’s very likely that none of us would die,” said passenger Ben Aletta, adding that, for a few fleeting moments, the worst that could happen would be that the plane skidded down the tarmac and a handful of people broke some bones. “Maybe a couple of passengers up front would have to be rushed to the hospital, and maybe some folks not wearing their seatbelt slam their head and get a concussion—but when it was all said and done, we’d all be alive and not dead.” At press time, the plane had reached a height at which every single person on board would be killed in a crash and was scheduled to remain at that altitude for the next four hours.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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