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Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Study Finds Girls Outperforming Future Employers In School

NASHVILLE, TN—The results of a comprehensive multiyear study charting the educational achievement of children throughout the United States were released Friday, revealing that the nation’s girls are increasingly outperforming their future employers in all subjects.

Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq

WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq.
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Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin

CINCINNATI―Calling it a quick and simple way to achieve a “radiant, youthful glow,” health and beauty giant Olay announced the launch of its new line of pre-moisturized skin Wednesday. “Olay Hydrating Effects Epidermal Layer Plus is guaranteed to give women the luscious, dazzling skin they’ve always wanted,” Olay marketing director Devin Salazar said in a press release, adding that consumers who purchase the 6-ounce jar of human skin can use it to touch up “trouble areas,” immediately reversing the effects of drying, aging, or discoloration. “Just tear off as much or as little skin as you need, apply it where desired, and enjoy the confidence that comes from knowing you can have a fresh, young face at any age.” Salazar went on to state that the new product contains no additives or synthetic chemicals, as it is procured entirely from all-natural sources.

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