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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Whale Regrets Eating 290,000 Plastic Poker Chips That Fell Off Container Ship

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Shifting uncomfortably in the water as it struggled with painful indigestion, a local fin whale expressed a growing sense of regret Wednesday after eating 290,000 plastic poker chips that had fallen from a container ship during a recent storm. “Ugh, polishing off all those little things was a huge mistake,” said the bloated whale, lamenting that it didn’t show more restraint and stop feeding after straining the first 100,000 small plastic discs through its baleen. “The red ones just looked so tasty, I couldn’t help myself. God, I scarfed down way too many tons of those things. What the hell was I thinking?” At press time, the contrite whale was vowing to stick to a strict diet of krill and the occasional radial tire.

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