Knocked-Out Secret Service Agents Wake To Realize Jimmy Carter Loose

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Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Soapy Bo Obama Jumps Up On Secretary-General

WASHINGTON—Calling the transgression simply unacceptable as foamy suds dripped onto the floor from his shirtsleeves, Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon reportedly revoked the United States’ membership in the United Nations this afternoon after a soapy, soaking-wet Bo Obama jumped up on the diplomat during a visit to the White House.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.
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Knocked-Out Secret Service Agents Wake To Realize Jimmy Carter Loose

PLAINS, GA—After regaining consciousness on the floor of the den inside Jimmy Carter’s private residence, a pair of groggy Secret Service agents quickly realized that the 91-year-old former president was on the loose, sources reported Wednesday. “He must have got his hands on a brick or something and knocked us out when we had our backs turned,” said agent Sam Knox while gingerly touching a large, swollen bump on the back of his head, later adding that this isn’t the first time Carter had evaded the Secret Service, recounting an incident in 2014 in which the retired statesman had offered Knox and his colleagues lemonade laced with a powerful laxative. “He’s quick as hell and a lot stronger than he looks, and he’s smart—very smart. You can’t let your guard down for even a second.” Secret Service officials went on to stress that time was of the essence, and issued an APB alerting authorities to be on the lookout for one “Jim Cartwright” or “Carter Jimenez” at any nearby low-income housing construction sites, alternative energy forums, or disputed elections.

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