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How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.
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Media Outlets Pledge Evenhanded Criticism Of Trump, Clinton Over Next 4 Years

NEW YORK—Declaring that they would work tirelessly to hold both figures to account, the nation’s media outlets pledged Thursday that they would not relent in providing evenhanded criticism of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton over the next four years. “We want to assure the American people that throughout the forthcoming presidential term, we will, with equal rigor, hold both Trump’s and Clinton’s feet to the fire on the issues that matter most,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, who echoed official statements made by every other cable, print, and online news source across the country by affirming that it was the responsibility of the press to ensure both individuals were made to answer for their misdeeds during the next administration. “While we vow to carefully monitor the decisions and actions of the nation’s next president and expose his and his cabinet’s failings wherever they appear, we also make a solemn promise to provide a balanced critique by refusing to ever let Clinton off the hook. The nation can continue to count on us for fair, equitable reporting on the most important political developments.” At press time, members of the media were already diligently researching what effect Clinton’s email scandal might have on Trump’s foreign policy.

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