Report: Only 893,000 News Stories To Go Until 2016 Election Over

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Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Media Scandals Over The Years

News anchor Brian Williams was mired in scandal this week after admitting that he had lied for years about being in a helicopter that was hit by enemy fire while covering the Iraq War in 2003.

Study: 83% Of Web Content Unfit For Human Consumption

GAINESVILLE, FL—Warning about the dangers of prolonged exposure to toxic text, graphics, and videos, a study released Thursday by the University of Florida found that 83 percent of web content is wholly unfit for human consumption.
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Election 2016

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Report: Only 893,000 News Stories To Go Until 2016 Election Over

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Wednesday by analysts at the Pew Research Center, there are only 893,000 news articles, feature stories, and opinion pieces to go until the 2016 presidential election is behind us. “Based on our projections, the end of this election cycle is just under 900,000 articles away, or barely 800,000 if you don’t include editorials from publications’ editorial boards,” said lead researcher Ken Dunham, who noted that citizens could expect 400,000 more articles from the campaign trail, 135,000 more analyses of poll results, 51,000 more debate recaps, 94,000 more side-by-side comparisons of candidates’ positions, and 88,000 more thinkpieces delving into a candidate’s behind-the-scenes personality, after which the election would be a thing of the past. “We determined that, as of right now, the average American simply has to make it through 3,400 more graphs showing various demographics’ voting preferences, read or hear the word ‘delegate’ approximately 1.7 million more times, and see roughly 168,000 additional photos of a candidate standing behind a lectern before the whole process is wrapped up. Then that’s it.” At press time, researchers had updated the report, noting that the predictions only took into account news stories that would be published during the remainder of the primaries.

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