Media Intern Looking Forward To Moving Up At Company That Won’t Exist In 8 Months

Top Headlines

news media

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Media Intern Looking Forward To Moving Up At Company That Won’t Exist In 8 Months

LOS ANGELES—Fondly imagining herself having her own cubicle in the office that will be rented out to a different business by spring, Cordcrusher Media intern Nicole Dunn, 21, told reporters Monday she’s hoping to land a full-time position at the company that will not exist in eight months. “Cordcrusher has a good track record of promoting from within, and a bunch of people here have told me I’m doing well, so I think I’ve got a great shot of staying on long-term,” said Dunn of the online news and culture site that will, in less than three financial quarters, release a public statement declaring bankruptcy, abruptly call its employees into an all-staff meeting, and alert them that they are being let go without any severance packages. “I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I could really see myself staying with this company for a long time.” Dunn went on to mention specific perks at Cordcrusher she was excited to take advantage of, including the cushy sofas located throughout the workspace, mini refrigerators full of soft drinks, and the high-tech equipment in the office’s media rooms that will all be sold at future auctions in order to recoup some of the company’s $15 million debt.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close