Nation Hoping For A Windy Flag Day

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U.S. Protests Mexi-Canadian Overpass

WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly nine years of construction, the Mexi-Canadian Overpass, the controversial $4.3 trillion highway overpass linking Guadalupe and Winnipeg, was finally completed last week, drawing harsh criticism from U.S. citizens and officials alike.

Special 'Framers' Cut' Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments

WASHINGTON, DC–The National Archives and Records Administration announced plans Monday to release a special "framers' cut" of the Constitution featuring five bonus amendments deleted from the original. According to NARA head John Carlin, the new document includes "more than the 35 lines of never-before-seen provisions sure to thrill history buffs." Among the goodies: an early draft of the Fifth Amendment protecting citizens from being put in quintuple jeopardy and a rare, unnumbered Amendment granting each member of Congress the right to "one concubine of his choosing per term served." The expanded version will also include "framers' commentary" by Alexander Hamilton and James Madison written in the margins, as well as a "Making Of The Constitution" document after the list of framers' signatures.

Report: North Dakota Leads Nation In Parking Availability

BISMARCK, ND–According to the latest issue of U.S. News & World Report, for the 27th straight year, North Dakota leads the nation in parking availability. "Once again, the Peace Garden State comes out on top," Gov. Edward Schafer said. "Whether you're visiting Lawrence Welk's birthplace, the Victorian Dress Museum, or the Ft. Union Trading Post, you're guaranteed a great parking spot right out front." Schafer added that less than 1 percent of the state's parking spaces are metered.

Kansas Changes Spelling Of Name To 'Cannsas'; 'It Looks Cooler That Way,' Governor Says

TOPEKA, KS–Calling the old spelling "totally lame," the Kansas legislature voted Monday to change the state's name to "Cannsas," effective immediately. "'Kansas' with a 'K' was just so boring," said Gov. Bill Graves, writing "Cannsas" over and over on a looseleaf binder. "It looks way cooler with the 'C' and two 'N's. It's almost like it's foreign or something." The move is believed to have been motivated by a similar move last year by the state of Kentuckki.

New Hampshire Returns To Obscurity

CONCORD, NH–After a brief stint in the national spotlight, the Granite State returned to its usual state of obscurity Tuesday following the conclusion of the New Hampshire presidential primaries. "Thank you for being here to document our quadrennial week of national prominence and attention," New Hampshire Gov. Jeanne Shaheen shouted to departing TV and newspaper reporters. "We look forward to your return in January 2004." Shaheen then returned to the governor's mansion to begin work on her keynote address for the Merrimack Maple Festival, scheduled for Nov. 11-14.

79 Percent Of Americans Missing The Point Entirely

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Georgetown University study released Tuesday, 79 percent of Americans are missing the point entirely with regard to such wide-ranging topics as politics, consumerism, taxes, entertainment, fashion, and professional wrestling.
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Nation Hoping For A Windy Flag Day

WASHINGTON, DC—With June 14 just a week away, citizens nationwide are hoping that brisk, windy weather is in store for this Flag Day.

"A Flag Day without wind is like a Columbus Day with mail delivery: It just doesn't feel right," said Coast Guard Rear Adm. Roger Jessup, who is serving as this year's Flag Day grand marshal. "I long for the Flag Days of my youth, when the winds were always strong and steady. Seems like in the past few years there's barely been a breeze and Old Glory just droops. Except for Flag Day '02, when it was so blustery the flag whipped right around the flagpole."

Jessup, whose duties include answering Flag Day mail from the nation's children, added that if everyone tried as hard as they could to be good this week, "perhaps Starry Stripes, the Flag Day Fairy, will blow some nice breezy air our way."

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