adBlockCheck

ExxonMobil Vows Lenient Treatment For Any Species That Surrenders Voluntarily

Top Headlines

oil

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

Why Are Gas Prices So Low?

The average price of a gallon of gas is at its lowest level since April 2009, giving rise to speculation about why the cost of oil continues to drop and how long consumers can expect the trend to last.

Report: Good Thing World Has Unlimited Quantity Of Oil

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Monday by the Department of Energy, given current consumption habits and the dramatic projected increases in demand from developing countries, it is extremely fortunate that the planet has an inexhaustible ...

BP Ready To Resume Oil Spilling

LONDON—A year after the tragic explosion and oil spill that caused petroleum giant BP to cease operations in the Gulf of Mexico, the company announced Wednesday that it was once again ready to begin oil spilling.

Rising Oil Prices

Oil prices climbed to over $77 a barrel following BP’s announcement that it would shut down its Prudhoe Bay oil field. Here are the other factors...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

ExxonMobil Vows Lenient Treatment For Any Species That Surrenders Voluntarily

IRVING, TX—Addressing the world’s plant and animal life directly during a press event Friday, officials from ExxonMobil vowed to bestow lenient treatment on any species that surrendered to the corporation voluntarily. “I want every bird, fish, marine mammal, and all other flora and fauna to know that any among them who willingly submit to us now without putting up further resistance can expect to be shown a degree of mercy,” said company CEO Rex Tillerson, who added that wildlife will be given a 60-day window to accept the multinational energy conglomerate’s terms and turn themselves in at one of ExxonMobil’s corporate offices. “It is important you understand that your situation is completely hopeless. However, if you end this struggle now and give yourself up to us of your own will, I guarantee you will be spared and treated with a level of dignity, with only a modest punishment. This is far more than I can say for those species who refuse our generous proposal.” Tillerson also offered a substantial reward to any species who provides information about other remaining holdouts.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close