Citing Battle Of Agincourt, Tim Duncan Urges Lakers Not To Get Too Discouraged By Game 1 Loss

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Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy

NORMAL, IL—Despite possessing a fully developed brain and a general awareness of the fundamental nature of existence, sources said Rob Peterson, 37, apparently continues to believe that achieving long-lasting happiness is somehow possible.

Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday

NEW YORK—In spite of the odds it faces in the ultra-competitive self-improvement segment of the publishing market, the forthcoming self-help book The Life-Changing Power Of Perspective firmly believes that it can be a bestseller, the 179-page non-fiction paperback said Tuesday.

You Win Some, You Claim To Have Won Some

If there's one thing I've learned about life, it's that things rarely go according to plan. You have to expect to take a few knocks here and there. That's why I've developed a way to cope with life's pitfalls. When things don't go right, I just stick my chin out, turn my frown upside down, and lie to everyone about what actually happened.

Doctor, Patient Have Wildly Different Definitions Of Word 'Hope'

WESTBROOK, ME— Terminally ill patient Wayne Lund and his physician have wildly differing definitions of the word "hope," it was revealed Monday. "Dr. [Robert] Petrakis said there's hope," said Lund, recently diagnosed with Wyckoff-Kleiner Disease, a rare degenerative brain condition that is 99.5 percent fatal. "If that's the case, I'm gonna beat this thing." Said Petrakis: "I told him, 'There's always hope... miracles do happen.' So, technically, I guess there's hope. But not really."

Item Found In Garbage To Be Turned Into Lamp Someday

MINNEAPOLIS—Joe Lennek, 24, a part-time pizza delivery driver and 1997 University of Minnesota dropout, rescued a three-foot length of metallic pipe from the trash Monday in the hopes of one day converting it into a lamp.

Man Hoping To Accidentally See Roommate's Girlfriend Naked

ATLANTA–Steve Smidlap, 23, roommate of Andy Cordova, admitted Monday that he is hoping to "accidentally" catch a glimpse of Cordova's girlfriend naked. "Every now and then, I'll just sit in the living room with the TV off and hope they think I'm in my room or out of the apartment altogether," said Smidlap, keeping an eye on the hallway between the bathroom and Cordova's room. "I think I have a decent shot of at least seeing Valerie's ass if I stay diligently to the task."

Man With New Generator Hoping For Power Outage

PITTSFIELD, MA– Days after purchasing a new Coleman Powermate 2500 portable generator, homeowner Randy Denton expressed hope for a power outage Monday. "Man, a huge, citywide blackout would be fantastic," said Denton, scanning the sky for signs of storm activity. "I'd love to give this baby's 5.0 Tecumseh engine with electronic ignition a little ride." Added Denton: "That maple tree across the street is pretty old. I bet a good gust could knock it across those power lines."

Pathetic Goal Reached

INKSTER, MI–Pathetic local man Edwin Horton's hope of becoming slightly less pathetic came one step closer to reality Wednesday, in a way, depending on how you look at it, when the part-time mailroom clerk and fern enthusiast achieved his pathetic goal of coming up with one "positive daily affirmation of selfhood" for seven consecutive days.

New Children's Hospital Filled To Capacity

ATLANTA—When Andrew Nash decided to abandon a successful career in land development to pursue his lifelong dream of owning his own children's hospital, he hoped the venture would be successful.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Citing Battle Of Agincourt, Tim Duncan Urges Lakers Not To Get Too Discouraged By Game 1 Loss

SAN ANTONIO—Following the Lakers’ 91-79 loss in Game 1 of their playoff series, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly urged his opponents Tuesday not to be discouraged, reminding them of England’s underdog victory against the French during the Battle of Agincourt in 1415. “Remember, the English were outnumbered 6 to 1, so they had the odds stacked against them, too,” said Duncan, noting that the Lakers should remain focused and positive, “much like the English knights bravely marching into Pas-de-Calais amidst a bloody Hundred Years’ War.” “If Henry V taught us anything that day, it’s that an organized, cohesive unit can turn around any so-called lost cause, so keep your heads up. Sometimes you simply need to find an innovative new approach, as the King did setting his longbowmen on the flanks of the defile to attack Charles d’Albert’s oncoming cavalry.” Duncan added that while the Lakers should take heart from England’s unexpected military triumph, they should also always honor the memory of the estimated 10,000 soldiers from both sides who gave their lives during the 15th-century battle.

UPDATE: Duncan reportedly just called Lakers head coach Mike D’Antoni to offer inspirational quotes from famed king and military leader Frederick II of Prussia.