Those We Lost In 2011

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Our Annual Year 2011

Those We Lost In 2011

Once again, the world experienced several million deaths over the course of a year. Five of those people who died were famous.

Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters

'These People Scare The Bejeezus Out Of Me,' Says Candidate

SALT LAKE CITY—With a recent Gallup poll indicating only 2 percent of his party supports his candidacy for president, Jon Huntsman confided to staffers Tuesday that he was secretly relieved to be faring so poorly among the die-hard GOP base.

LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle

KÖNIGSBERG, EAST PRUSSIA—Baron Fritz von Friedrich VII, steward of Württemberg, told reporters Saturday that the LASIK surgery he recently underwent to correct the vision in his left eye has been an unmitigated success, allowing him to see...

I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon

Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the many Eastern sea-board offices of The Onion news-paper. Evidently, if accounts from my disgustingly subservient dogsbodies in management are to be believed, the constant rustle of news-print and scratch of fountain-pen nibs has been punctuated by the murmur of pleasant conversation and, in many cases, outright laughter among staffers.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.