HARTFORD, CT—Insisting there was still plenty left to eat, local party hosts Dana and Mark Randolph reportedly encouraged late-arriving guest Jonathan Morse this weekend to load up on food that had been sitting out in the sun for the past four hours.
A bachelorette party is a fun way to make the bride feel special before her big day. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing an unforgettable bachelorette bash:
- Due to the complex logistics of organizing such a party, it’s important that, before finalizing any bookings, you carefully double-check that she still wants to marry this fucking loser.
- Keep the party small, as you’ll want a limited number of witnesses for the bride-to-be’s transgressions.
- Designate someone to take lots of candid photos throughout the party so everyone can remember how fun the bride was before she got married.
- Choose your guest list carefully, as any Chippendales performers will be part of the karaoke room’s total headcount.
- Raucous giggling fits are strongly recommended whenever the party is on its way from one location to another.
- Vet potential attendees by lower body strength. You don’t want anyone on the beer trolley who isn’t pulling their own weight.
- Don’t cram too much into the schedule of events. You’ll want to set aside some time for everyone to dwell on the fact that they themselves haven’t found anyone.
- Let the whole town know you’re getting crazy tonight by ditching the tiara for a beard of bees.
- Always wait at least five seconds after the bride leaves the room before complaining about the cost of all this shit.