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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

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‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Report: 43% Of Party Invitations Unprovoked

TUCSON, AZ—Claiming that millions of unsuspecting recipients are caught off-guard each year, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Arizona found that 43 percent of all party invitations are entirely unprovoked.

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Last weekend saw the marriage of superstar actor and perennial candidate for Hollywood’s most eligible bachelor George Clooney to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin in a lavish, star-studded affair in Venice.

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing. “Seriously, someone better take these things from Ashcraft—he just can’t help himself,” read the report in part, which went on to describe the man, who spent much of the evening standing beside the snack table, as “bad” and “so bad” for continuing to consume the snack after repeatedly stating he should stop. “These things are going to be all gone if somebody doesn’t grab the bowl out of his hand right now. For real, don’t leave them near him, or he might just eat every one of them himself, that’s how good they are. Okay, last one!” The report went on to speculate that the chips and dip must contain crack cocaine.

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