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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Report: 43% Of Party Invitations Unprovoked

TUCSON, AZ—Claiming that millions of unsuspecting recipients are caught off-guard each year, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Arizona found that 43 percent of all party invitations are entirely unprovoked.

Highlights Of George Clooney’s Wedding

Last weekend saw the marriage of superstar actor and perennial candidate for Hollywood’s most eligible bachelor George Clooney to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin in a lavish, star-studded affair in Venice.
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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the Princeton Review on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row. “More than any of its celestial neighbors, Earth is the place to let off some steam and get a little crazy with your friends every night of the week,” said associate editor Blake Kalfus, adding that the planet was the only known celestial body to possess sufficient oxygen for top EDM DJs like Afrojack and Steve Aoki to survive. “With its solid terrestrial surface layer capable of supporting millions of clubs and two-for-one drink specials, there’s no party destination within 1000,000 light-years that’s more electric than Earth. And that doesn’t even count the more relaxed vibe you get on its nearby moon.” Meanwhile, Kepler-138d, Earth’s longtime rival for most popular party planet, reportedly fell from second place to 16th after the gas giant banned fraternities.

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