Goth, Metalhead Overcome Subcultural Differences To Find Love

DANVILLE, IL—People fall in love every day, but self-proclaimed "Goth for life" Danielle Richardson, 24, and avid metal-music fan Rick Halloway, 26, faced bigger obstacles than most couples. In spite of having come from vastly different subcultural groups, the unlikely couple celebrated their three-month anniversary Monday.

Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist

LOS ANGELES—Despite occupying opposing roles in a good-cop/bad-cop dyad, LAPD officers Frank K. McGrew, 51, and Bob West, 36, have one thing in common: They're both extremely racist, 77th precinct sources reported Monday.

God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity

HEAVEN—Calling the Holy Trinity "overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group by slowly phasing out the Holy Ghost. "Given the poor economic climate and the unclear nature of the Holy Ghost's duties, I felt this was a sensible and necessary decision," God said. "The Holy Ghost will be given fewer and fewer responsibilities until His formal resignation from Trinity duty following Easter services on April 20. Thereafter, the Father and the Son shall be referred to as the Holy Duo."

Kline Not Sure He Fits In At Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl

NEW YORK—Despite having been a partner at the prestigious Manhattan law firm since 1984, Martin Kline is still not sure he fits in at Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl LLP. "I don't know," the 53-year-old corporate-finance specialist said Monday. "I mean, sure, Bill, Larry, and Dan [Oppendahl] treat me like one of their own. But for some reason, I just somehow feel different. No matter how many contracts I draw up or hours I bill, I still don't quite feel like I belong."

U.S. To Slow Down Relationship With Uruguay

WASHINGTON, DC–Explaining that it is still a relatively young nation and not ready for a permanent trade partner, the U.S. announced Monday that it plans to slow down its relationship with Uruguay. "Don't get me wrong, Uruguay is great," President Bush said. "It's just that things have been moving along a little too quickly ever since we signed that bilateral tariff-reduction pact in March. They were always calling up about a treaty or an aid package and, well, it just got to be a little too much." Bush said the U.S. would love to remain "just allies" with Uruguay while pursuing relations with other nations.

Kodak, Nabisco Apologize For Drunken One-Night Merger

ROCHESTER, NY—Kodak CEO George Fisher apologized to shareholders Monday for a drunken one-night merger with Nabisco. "We kind of lost track of how much we'd had, one thing led to another, and, before you know it, we're signing contracts," a contrite Fisher said of the $490 billion deal. "I am deeply sorry for the mistake and hope that the 36,000 Kodak employees who were laid off in the merger will find it in their hearts to come back." Nabisco CEO James Kilts said his company is "still very much in love" with current partner R.J. Reynolds and expressed hope that "we can work through this and remain RJR-Nabisco for many years to come."

Conventional Love Affair Breaks None Of The Rules

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A thoroughly ordinary love affair between Chicago-area suburbanites Stephen and Denise Feeney has broken none of the rules, shocking no one with its non-torrid abandon and lack of forbidden passion, it was reported Tuesday.
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Ventriloquist Dummy Crosses Line In Suggesting Partner Is Actual Dummy

STAMFORD, CT—In a breach of decorum never before seen in the history of the noble art, a ventriloquist's dummy named Chesterfield shocked onlookers this past Friday by referring to his partner, Professor Eugene Krebsen, as "the real dummy." Gasps turned to shouts of outrage in the Looking Glass Theater as the wooden doll's words settled across the audience, and what had been a sharp but kindhearted exchange between two seeming friends turned ugly. "Why, I couldn't believe my ears," said audience member Henrietta Flemming, sitting beside her husband, Harold Flemming. "And what's more, he lobbed that terrible insult while poor Professor Krebsen was trying to enjoy a nice glass of water." Patrons of the Looking Glass have not been this upset since stage magician Palmer the Great had the audacity to set an audience member's wallet on fire.


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