Ventriloquist Dummy Crosses Line In Suggesting Partner Is Actual Dummy

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Partners

Goth, Metalhead Overcome Subcultural Differences To Find Love

DANVILLE, IL—People fall in love every day, but self-proclaimed "Goth for life" Danielle Richardson, 24, and avid metal-music fan Rick Halloway, 26, faced bigger obstacles than most couples. In spite of having come from vastly different subcultural groups, the unlikely couple celebrated their three-month anniversary Monday.

Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist

LOS ANGELES—Despite occupying opposing roles in a good-cop/bad-cop dyad, LAPD officers Frank K. McGrew, 51, and Bob West, 36, have one thing in common: They're both extremely racist, 77th precinct sources reported Monday.

God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity

HEAVEN—Calling the Holy Trinity "overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group by slowly phasing out the Holy Ghost. "Given the poor economic climate and the unclear nature of the Holy Ghost's duties, I felt this was a sensible and necessary decision," God said. "The Holy Ghost will be given fewer and fewer responsibilities until His formal resignation from Trinity duty following Easter services on April 20. Thereafter, the Father and the Son shall be referred to as the Holy Duo."

Kline Not Sure He Fits In At Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl

NEW YORK—Despite having been a partner at the prestigious Manhattan law firm since 1984, Martin Kline is still not sure he fits in at Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl LLP. "I don't know," the 53-year-old corporate-finance specialist said Monday. "I mean, sure, Bill, Larry, and Dan [Oppendahl] treat me like one of their own. But for some reason, I just somehow feel different. No matter how many contracts I draw up or hours I bill, I still don't quite feel like I belong."
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Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Ventriloquist Dummy Crosses Line In Suggesting Partner Is Actual Dummy

STAMFORD, CT—In a breach of decorum never before seen in the history of the noble art, a ventriloquist's dummy named Chesterfield shocked onlookers this past Friday by referring to his partner, Professor Eugene Krebsen, as "the real dummy." Gasps turned to shouts of outrage in the Looking Glass Theater as the wooden doll's words settled across the audience, and what had been a sharp but kindhearted exchange between two seeming friends turned ugly. "Why, I couldn't believe my ears," said audience member Henrietta Flemming, sitting beside her husband, Harold Flemming. "And what's more, he lobbed that terrible insult while poor Professor Krebsen was trying to enjoy a nice glass of water." Patrons of the Looking Glass have not been this upset since stage magician Palmer the Great had the audacity to set an audience member's wallet on fire.