Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party

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God Unable To Remember What Year Humanity Goes Extinct

THE HEAVENS—Saying that He definitely knew the event was scheduled for some point within the vast expanse of time, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Wednesday that He was unable to remember exactly what year humanity goes extinct.

Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While

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PLANET EARTH—Facing what it called "a lot of uncertainty" on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be "just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being."
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Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party

LANCASTER, PA—Explaining how their once-active discussion barely had the strength to continue on, sources confirmed Thursday that conversational lamprey Brian Kenney was slowly draining the life from acquaintance Josh Carrington’s dinner party. According to sources, Kenney firmly latched himself onto each of the night’s talking points and refused to let go until he sucked every ounce of energy from them, ultimately leaving each one too weakened and feeble to keep going. Despite their best efforts to shake off the conversational parasite and maintain a healthy discourse, guests confirmed that as soon as Kenney opened his mouth and dug into a topic, its vitality began quickly fading away, and it was only a matter of time before it wound up depleted and dead. After sapping the last bit of life from the dinner party, Kenney was reportedly seen trying to attach himself to a female guest in a desperate attempt to spawn.