God Unable To Remember What Year Humanity Goes Extinct

THE HEAVENS—Saying that He definitely knew the event was scheduled for some point within the vast expanse of time, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Wednesday that He was unable to remember exactly what year humanity goes extinct.

Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While

'Let's Just See How We're Doing In A Few Years' Humanity Decides

PLANET EARTH—Facing what it called "a lot of uncertainty" on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be "just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being."
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Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday. Witnesses told reporters that the brilliantly blue sky and mid-70s temperatures were, within a matter of moments, blotted out of Unger’s mind by persistent anxieties about the various decaying relationships in his life, the abandoned ambitions that led him to an excruciating low-level career, and dozens upon dozens of other personal shortcomings, completely neutralizing any positive psychological impact from the feeling of sunlight on his skin and the sight of thousands of leaves re-emerging from long-dormant tree branches. Unger, who was seen enjoying the fresh air and the lively calls of songbirds for approximately three seconds before the experience buckled under the weight of the sadness that had accumulated over his entire adolescent and adult life, reportedly failed to derive even the slightest trace of pleasure from the scent of freshly cut grass wafting through the air or the gentle breeze blowing across his face as he went about his day. At press time, Unger was said to be looking at a newly verdant park in a spectacular state of bloom, but only seeing an endlessly looping mental replay of himself making an embarrassing comment at a department meeting last week.

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