Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung

NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday.

Tips For Training Your Dog

Bringing a dog into the family can be as difficult as it is rewarding, and pet owners must set rules and boundaries for the newest members of their household. Here are The Onion’s tips for training your dog

Pet Adoption Tips

Animal shelters across the country are filled with dogs, cats, and other animals that need homes, though bringing a pet into your family can be both a rewarding and challenging experience.

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession

RICHMOND, IN—Apparently heedless of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as though the United States isn't limping its way through a goddamn economic crisis, the pet's owners confirmed Thursday. According to reports, the...

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.
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Controversial Puppy Bowl Star Shits During National Anthem

NEW YORK—Eliciting a loud mix of boos and applause from the stands, Puppy Bowl star Mabel, a 1-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, controversially chose to shit Sunday during the game’s national anthem. “For countless fans, Mabel’s actions will be a source of outrage and disgust, but perhaps just as many will see this as a powerful statement requiring a tremendous amount of courage,” said play-by-play announcer Scott Graham minutes after the star puppy quietly walked in circles while sniffing the ground before stopping to drop her hind legs and shit as the anthem reverberated throughout the stadium. “This was a truly bold move that will draw a lot of criticism. What Mabel did today will certainly have folks talking on Monday.” The incident comes one year after Mabel was fined five chew toys for wearing a neon-colored, non-Animal-Planet-approved collar during Puppy Bowl XII.

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