Area Dad Didn’t Shell Out $100 At Aquarium For Lecture About Ecosystem

In This Section

pets

Pet Adoption Tips

Animal shelters across the country are filled with dogs, cats, and other animals that need homes, though bringing a pet into your family can be both a rewarding and challenging experience.

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession

RICHMOND, IN—Apparently heedless of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as though the United States isn't limping its way through a goddamn economic crisis, the pet's owners confirmed Thursday. According to reports, the...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Area Dad Didn’t Shell Out $100 At Aquarium For Lecture About Ecosystem

MYSTIC, CT—Expressing frustration while viewing the Mystic Aquarium’s stingray exhibit with his family, local dad Jeff Palmer told reporters Wednesday that he didn’t shell out $100 of his hard-earned cash just to listen to a lecture about the ecosystem. “I paid good money to see some fish and big sharks with my kids, not hear a guy spout off about this coral species that’s going extinct,” said Palmer, adding that he had expected the marine expert talking about rising ocean temperatures to instead hold up a stingray that visitors could touch or, at the very least, feed it some type of fish that they could all watch it eat. “Come on, I didn’t drive all the way out here just to have some boring scientist list off a whole bunch of endangered species. Can’t I just watch the seals swimming around in the tank without another stupid speech about shrinking habitats?” At press time, Palmer was growing “pretty goddamn sick” of getting raked over the coals every time he tapped on the aquarium’s glass to get the attention of the sharks.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More