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Family Chooses Different Dog Than Reincarnated Grandfather

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Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung

NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday.

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Bringing a dog into the family can be as difficult as it is rewarding, and pet owners must set rules and boundaries for the newest members of their household. Here are The Onion’s tips for training your dog

Pet Adoption Tips

Animal shelters across the country are filled with dogs, cats, and other animals that need homes, though bringing a pet into your family can be both a rewarding and challenging experience.

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession

RICHMOND, IN—Apparently heedless of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as though the United States isn't limping its way through a goddamn economic crisis, the pet's owners confirmed Thursday. According to reports, the...

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.
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Family Chooses Different Dog Than Reincarnated Grandfather

ORLANDO, FL—Saying they instantly fell in love with the good-natured golden retriever, members of the Judd family reportedly chose Thursday to adopt a different dog from an animal shelter than their reincarnated grandfather. “Right when we walked into the shelter, this little terrier jumped up on us and barked and started licking the kids, but we really had our hearts set on a golden named Buddy,” said father Marcus Judd, who decided against adopting the “too high-strung” Scottish terrier that bears the reborn soul of his father, Bernard Judd, who passed away two years ago. “That terrier was cute and really seemed to like us. But my youngest daughter was a little scared of him, so we went with Buddy. He’s just the perfect fit for our family.” At press time, the family had reportedly administered medicine to their new pet, quickly killing their grandmother who had been reincarnated as a roundworm.

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