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Gary Johnson Worried He Peaking Too Early After Hitting 9% In Polls

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Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

‘The Case, Mr. Kerry, Give Me The Case,’ Demands Malaysian Ambassador Holding Dangling John Kerry From Petronas Towers Skybridge

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

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‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

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Election 2016

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Gary Johnson Worried He Peaking Too Early After Hitting 9% In Polls

SEATTLE—Speaking privately with advisors between campaign stops Thursday, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson expressed his concern that he was peaking too early after reaching 9 percent in national polls, sources reported. “Boy, this doesn’t look good—it’s way too soon for my numbers to be spiking like this,” said a visibly uneasy Johnson, who added that there was no way he could maintain the sky-high support of nearly one in 10 voters for the remaining seven weeks of the election season. “I’d been hoping to keep expectations realistic, but now what am I supposed to do? I’m at 9.1 percent here—that’s practically double digits. If I try to keep that up, I’m not going to have any gas left in the tank come mid-October. Dammit.” Johnson then reportedly shook his head and quietly muttered there was “nowhere to go but down” after being informed his favorability numbers had skyrocketed above 20 percent.


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