Clinton Assures Tim Kaine She’ll Continue Serving As President In Event Of Her Death

Top Headlines


Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Election 2016

More Election Coverage

Clinton Assures Tim Kaine She’ll Continue Serving As President In Event Of Her Death

MIAMI—In their first official meeting Saturday as Democratic running mates, Hillary Clinton reportedly pulled aside her vice presidential pick, Virginia senator Tim Kaine, and quietly assured him that in the event of her death while in office, she would continue serving as commander-in-chief. “If something unfortunate happens to me in the next four years, I want you to know that not a single thing changes, and I will still carry out all duties of the presidency,” said Clinton, explaining that should she as president succumb to an illness or accident, all national security, economic, foreign affairs, and social policy decisions would continue to go through her as usual. “I don’t want you to worry or panic if I happen to pass away. Just know that nothing—not a degenerative illness nor the bonds of death—can prevent me from leading this country for the full duration of my term. Dying will not diminish my power, got it? Okay, glad to have you aboard.” Clinton went on to state that, while tragic, her untimely demise would bring with it a number of political advantages, as no longer needing to sleep, eat, or breathe would free up significant amounts of time for her to focus on running for reelection.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close