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Trump Raises $50 Million At Fundraiser Where GOP Donors Get To Watch Him Weep For 2 Hours

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Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

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WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

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Trump Raises $50 Million At Fundraiser Where GOP Donors Get To Watch Him Weep For 2 Hours

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bolster his campaign war chest after reporting historically low levels of cash on hand heading into July, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly raised $50 million at a Thursday night fundraiser dinner in which GOP donors were given the chance to watch him weep for two consecutive hours. “Witnessing Mr. Trump stand hunched over at the dais as tears began streaming down his flushed, contorted face made for a truly wonderful evening, and it was an opportunity I simply could not pass up,” said billionaire industrialist David Koch, a longtime Republican donor who was reportedly one of 200 campaign contributors who paid $250,000 a plate to see the distraught GOP nominee break down into a fit of heavy sobs and occasional moans over the course of 120 minutes in the Grand Ballroom of the Mayflower Hotel. “I know there was incredible demand for tickets to this event, and personally, I would have been willing to pay twice as much as I did to hear him sniffling as he wiped away the tears from his eyes before burying his face in his hands. This was easily the most enjoyable political fundraising event I have attended in decades.” Sources confirmed the campaign is also planning on offering donors who contribute over $5 million the chance to eat dinner alone with Donald Trump while he chokes on a steak.

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