WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, 23 percent of Americans would vote for Jeb Bush in the presidential election if the Republican candidate was standing directly beside them in the voting booth.
CHARLESTON, SC—Declaring that opening the nation’s doors to displaced Syrians posed a major security threat, GOP leaders warned Tuesday that any refugees who resettled in the U.S. would most likely be driven to terrorism by the way America treats them.
WASHINGTON—Sitting Indian-style on the Senate floor surrounded by Magic Markers, crayons, and construction paper, members of Congress spent the afternoon in a special session Monday drawing pictures of their dream Capitols, sources reported.
MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.
MILWAUKEE—Saying his struggle was illustrative of how our economic system has failed countless hardworking Americans over the past 20 years, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina shared a heartbreaking story at Tuesday night’s GOP primary debate about a father of three who simply couldn’t meet his sales goals.
GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.
MANCHESTER, NH—Reportedly cupping his hands around his eyes for a better look at the cheerful volunteers inside, presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham gazed longingly into the window of fellow candidate Marco Rubio’s bustling New Hampshire campaign headquarters Thursday.
WASHINGTON—Calmly stating that they would not even need to think twice about doing so, the nation’s wealthiest individuals ominously reminded the populace during a press conference Wednesday that they could easily drop another $10 billion on the 2016 election.
WASHINGTON—Instructing his colleagues to take a good, long look at what happens to consensus seekers, Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-TX) publicly displayed the impaled body of a fellow senator at the entrance to the Capitol building Thursday as a warning to anyone thinking about crossing party lines.
WASHINGTON—Moving a 19th-century armchair away from the mahogany-paneled wall as he rearranged his new office Wednesday, recently elected House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly stumbled upon a half-finished escape tunnel leading out of the Speaker’s chambers.
WASHINGTON—Calling the process essential to preventing overgrowth and promoting renewal, a study released Tuesday by researchers at American University found that regular, controlled Washington, D.C. wildfires are crucial to the restoration of a healthy political environment.
Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates
With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election
STAMPS, AR—Whistling “Hail To The Chief” as he flipped the coin into the air and caught it in his palm, Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee confirmed Friday that he had earned a nickel for his campaign by painting an elderly widow’s picket fence.
The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate
BOULDER, CO—Speculating that he might be nudging it just a tiny bit with his foot or something, Americans viewing Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate said that candidate Jeb Bush appeared to be inching his podium closer to the center of the stage during the commercial breaks.
BOULDER, CO—Vowing to be a forceful advocate for the group, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina promised during her opening remarks at Wednesday’s GOP debate that she would fight tirelessly for whoever everyday Americans are.
WASHINGTON—Pulling the congressman aside Wednesday and sitting him down in his office, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) reportedly told his likely successor, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), that he had once been young and beautiful too.
BOULDER, CO—Arriving in Colorado several days early to get acclimated to the 5,400-foot elevation, Republican presidential candidates have reportedly been preparing for Wednesday’s GOP primary debate with a series of high-altitude speaking drills.
BOULDER, CO—Reflecting on the repeated drubbings they have doled out since the process began six months ago, advisors for Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio confirmed Wednesday they are secretly enjoying totally destroying him during their practice debates.
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the difficult decision needed to be discussed with those closest to him, Wisconsin representative Paul Ryan told reporters Thursday that he was still awaiting the firm approval of his trusted SoulCycle instructor before accepting the House Speaker role.
WASHINGTON—Saying it represented the most efficient use of the panel’s time, members of the House Select Committee on Benghazi instructed Hillary Clinton on Thursday to limit her answers to “I failed the American people.”
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
OAK PARK, IL—Swiftly regaining his composure after initially jumping at the sight of flames erupting from the cocktail glass, local bartender Nick Brower confirmed Thursday that he was just going to pretend he had every intention of serving that last drink on fire.
Sign-up For The Onion's Newsletter
Give your spam filter something to do.
Stay Up To Date, Follow @THEONION
Obama Increases Sense Of Urgency By Riding Last White Rhino On Earth Through Climate Talk