Bloated Obama Delivers Press Conference From Couch Behind Podium

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Bloated Obama Delivers Press Conference From Couch Behind Podium

WASHINGTON—Taking slow, labored breaths while clutching his distended abdomen, a bloated President Obama delivered a press conference Wednesday while seated on a couch several feet behind the podium in the White House briefing room. “Good afternoon, everybody—ugh, Jesus, gimme a sec,” said a wincing, perspiring Obama before emitting several low groans. “Oh, man. Whoa. Okay, I’ll take some questions now—hang on, hang on. Jesus, I feel like I’m gonna pop.” At press time, Obama had concluded the briefing by slowly rolling over on the cushions and burying his face in a pillow.