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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

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Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday.

Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.
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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates:

  • Marco Rubio: Can establish himself as the GOP frontrunner by pulling off a resounding third-place sweep of the nation’s early primary states
  • Bernie Sanders: A big win in New Hampshire would show doubters that 40 years spent relentlessly championing progressive causes can pay off in a state adjacent to one’s own
  • Donald Trump: After finishing lower than polls predicted in Iowa, Trump needs a strong win in New Hampshire to prove that mathematics is still a useful system for understanding reality
  • Hillary Clinton: Just needs Earth to make a complete rotation Tuesday so that she can move on to South Carolina
  • Ted Cruz: Has little at stake in New Hampshire, as advisors have assured the conservative, evangelical senator that the state’s reasonable, levelheaded GOP voters are not representative of Republicans nationally
  • John Kasich: The moderate Republican needs at least a fourth-place finish in New Hampshire to prove he is the party’s true heir to Jon Huntsman
  • Carly Fiorina: The former Hewlett-Packard CEO is looking for a strong performance in Tuesday’s earlier GOP undercard primary
  • Ben Carson: Staffers have already moved on to researching which primary comes next
  • Chris Christie: Finishing fourth or lower puts the New Jersey governor in serious danger of not getting to go to Mama Jenny’s Shrimp And Grits Hut in Beaufort, SC
  • Jeb Bush: Almost done, buddy

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