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Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

G.I. Joe Turns 50

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the release of G.I Joe, the first toy to be marketed under the term “action figure.” Here’s a look back at the history of the iconic Hasbro product: 1964: Hasbro releases its first G...

How To Become An Internet Music Sensation

More and more, bands are recording, releasing, and promoting their music at home using their own computers. Here are some ways a burgeoning musician can make a splash on the Internet.

Fully Validated Kanye West Retires To Quiet Farm In Iowa

'I Got All The Approval I Needed,' Content Former Pop Star Says

SPILLVILLE, IA—Following the widespread acclaim and media adulation over his latest album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, multimillion-selling recording artist Kanye West announced Wednesday that he had finally received the exact amount of approval he needed to attain and had therefore retired from the entertainment industry to live on a small farm in Iowa.

Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up 'ThunderCats'

LOS ANGELES—Studio executives decided only Bay could deliver a 220-minute cinematic clusterfuck with enough tedious performances, overblown cinematography, and CGI explosions to make even the most casual fan want to scratch their eyes out.
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Man Always Gets Little Rush Out Of Telling People John Lennon Beat Wife

NEW ORLEANS—Explaining that casually dropping the little-known fact into conversations “never gets old,” local man Derek Matheson told reporters Monday he always gets a bit of a rush from informing others that John Lennon physically abused his first wife, Cynthia Powell. “Seeing the looks of shock, disbelief, and sadness on people’s faces after I mention that John Lennon couldn’t control his rage and regularly hit women is just such a treat,” said Matheson, who reportedly derives a measure of satisfaction from planting discomfort in the minds of his acquaintances, coworkers, and even strangers at social gatherings by bringing up the biographical detail about the widely beloved musician and peace activist. “I’m always listening for someone to make a comment about the Beatles, and when it happens, I’m ready to jump in and say that not only did John Lennon beat his wife, but he beat his son, too, and that he even admitted to it on multiple occasions. It’s always a nice little thrill.” Matheson added that if people were already aware of the songwriter’s violent side, he also delights in stating that Matthew Broderick killed two women with his car.

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