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Pope Francis Crushes Small Demon Crawling Across Papal Apartment Floor

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Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.”

Pope Francis Lays Hands On Ailing U.S. Infrastructure

NEW YORK—Treating the frail, long-overlooked structures with an unparalleled display of compassion, Pope Francis reportedly inspired a crowd of onlookers Friday by laying his hands upon the ailing United States infrastructure.

Highlights Of Pope Francis’ Speech To Congress

Pope Francis began the third day of his U.S. trip by delivering an address to the joint houses of Congress, advising them on a few key issues such as climate change, immigration, and division of wealth. Here are the highlights of the pontiff’s speech:

Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary

Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit

A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views

Pope Francis has garnered much international attention in the first two and a half years of his papacy, taking a more liberal approach to women’s issues, the family unit, and the environment than his predecessors. Here is a primer on prominent global issues and the pope’s views on them:
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Pope Francis Crushes Small Demon Crawling Across Papal Apartment Floor

VATICAN CITY—Saying the wicked little creature had probably crept out of some crack that led to Hell, Pope Francis reportedly crushed a small demon beneath his shoe Friday as it crawled across his papal apartment floor. “Got that little fucker,” said the pontiff, who repeatedly stomped on the infernal being until all of the hellish beast’s six legs stopped twitching. “This has got to be the fourth or fifth one this week. If you see one demon, you know there must be a whole den of them around here somewhere. Shit, I shouldn’t have left out those Eucharist.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly applying holy water to relieve the itching from the numerous demon bites he had received from the evil spirit during the night.


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