Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.”

Pope Francis Lays Hands On Ailing U.S. Infrastructure

NEW YORK—Treating the frail, long-overlooked structures with an unparalleled display of compassion, Pope Francis reportedly inspired a crowd of onlookers Friday by laying his hands upon the ailing United States infrastructure.

Highlights Of Pope Francis’ Speech To Congress

Pope Francis began the third day of his U.S. trip by delivering an address to the joint houses of Congress, advising them on a few key issues such as climate change, immigration, and division of wealth. Here are the highlights of the pontiff’s speech:

Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary

Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit
End Of Section
  • More News

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday. “The cherub came out perfect this year! Look how tender that cheek meat is,” the pontiff said as he drizzled a generous ladleful of the gravy he had made from the divine pan drippings over several freshly cut slices of white meat, remarking on how moist and flavorful the angel had turned out after being brined overnight in a blood-of-Christ marinade. “Who wants a wing? I got wings, thighs, you name it. And be sure to grab some host for sopping up the juices. Remember, whatever we don’t finish tonight will make for great sandwiches tomorrow.” Sources confirmed the cherub was the tastiest heavenly being the pope had prepared since last summer’s cookout in St. Peter’s Square, when His Holiness made beer-can seraphim on the grill.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close