High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

The Pros And Cons Of Natural Childbirth

While most first-time mothers in the United States choose to give birth in hospitals that offer epidurals and additional medical assistance, a growing number of women are opting for drug-free, natural births, often at home.

Thousands Feared Born In Nigerian Population Explosion

LAGOS, NIGERIA—UN officials remain unsure what caused the population explosion, but point out that border disputes with neighboring Chad and Niger have cooled heroin trafficking, and mass slaughter at the hands of a traditionally military government has fallen to its lowest levels in 18 years.

I'm Tired Of Looking At These Same Four Uterine Walls

My God, I'm bored. I've heard that after the anxiety of separation from the mother and the trauma of birth, all I'll want to do is return to the womb, but I have a hard time believing that. After being cooped up in here for nearly three trimesters, I've gotta dismiss that as outdated Freudian balderdash. Can't this woman gestate a little faster, for Christ's sake? I'm sick of staring at these same four uterine walls.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Study Finds Unplanned Pregnancies Continuing To Decline In Bruce Springsteen Lyrics

RESTON, VA—Confirming the statistic had reached its lowest level since annual measurements began in 1973, a study released Friday by the National Association for Music Education found that unplanned pregnancies continued their decades-long decline in Bruce Springsteen lyrics. “We discovered that after a steady rise throughout the 1970s and a peak in 1980, there has been a sharp decline in the number of young Americans who’ve had their lives turned upside down by an unwanted pregnancy in Bruce Springsteen songs,” said study director Carl Larson, who noted that the cause of the long-term trend remains a mystery, as the living conditions and economic opportunities in the gritty, blue-collar cities of the songwriter’s work have not markedly improved over the same span. “While we have seen an encouraging downturn in teen motherhood since the ’80s, not all indicators from Springsteen’s catalog are positive. We also found that over a 15-year, six-album span, there has been an alarming threefold jump in gun violence verses.” Larson warned that unplanned pregnancies could rise at any moment should a remastered version of The River be released.

More Videos


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.