Proposed Law Would Require Mothers To Look At Pictures Of Congressmen She Disappointing Before Having Abortion

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The Pros And Cons Of Natural Childbirth

While most first-time mothers in the United States choose to give birth in hospitals that offer epidurals and additional medical assistance, a growing number of women are opting for drug-free, natural births, often at home.

Thousands Feared Born In Nigerian Population Explosion

LAGOS, NIGERIA—UN officials remain unsure what caused the population explosion, but point out that border disputes with neighboring Chad and Niger have cooled heroin trafficking, and mass slaughter at the hands of a traditionally military government has fallen to its lowest levels in 18 years.

I'm Tired Of Looking At These Same Four Uterine Walls

My God, I'm bored. I've heard that after the anxiety of separation from the mother and the trauma of birth, all I'll want to do is return to the womb, but I have a hard time believing that. After being cooped up in here for nearly three trimesters, I've gotta dismiss that as outdated Freudian balderdash. Can't this woman gestate a little faster, for Christ's sake? I'm sick of staring at these same four uterine walls.

You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two

Honey, a miracle has happened—you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two.

Baby's Third Through Eighth Words Registered Trademarks

PHOENIX—Mere weeks after saying "Mama" and "Dada" for the first time, 17-month-old Max Ellis has expanded his vocabulary to include the registered trademarks Tinky Winky™, Fruit Roll-Up™, Nintendo™, Blue's Clues™, Superman™, and Pepsi™. "I think I even heard him say 'McDonald's™' yesterday," mother Darlene Ellis said. "He's growing up so fast."

Worst Person Woman Knows Pregnant

JASPER, AL—Karen Brundage was chilled to learn Monday that Cora Damrush, the "single most selfish, ignorant, emotionally crippled person" she knows, is expecting a baby in November. "My heart skipped a beat—in a bad way—when Cora said she and Neil were having a child," Brundage said. "I can't even begin to tell you what a foul, miserable harpy that woman is." Brundage added that she wishes there were some sort of baby-shower gift that would save the unborn child from a lifetime of misery cowering before a dark and evil mother.
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Proposed Law Would Require Mothers To Look At Pictures Of Congressmen She Disappointing Before Having Abortion

WASHINGTON—Arguing that the measure would help women fully understand the consequences of their decision, members of the House of Representatives introduced a new bill this week that would require anyone seeking an abortion to view images of the congressmen she will disappoint prior to undergoing the procedure. “Before any pregnancy can be terminated, women will have a chance to see the faces of these politicians, which will help them make an informed decision as to whether they’d really like to go through with letting down an elected public servant,” Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ) said of the proposed law, which also mandates that women listen to audio of the lawmakers’ talking points on when life begins. “What this bill does is show women that, hey, these congressmen aren’t just faceless legislators; they’re real politicians whose agendas are being destroyed. Once they see the actual eyes and ears and other features of the lawmakers whose spirits they’re breaking, I believe they’ll rethink what they’re about to do.” In response to backlash from women’s rights groups, the bill’s sponsors said that if women don’t want to view the images, they are free to close their eyes or just look away.