Onion Ignored By Pulitzer Committee

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Educated Bigot That Much More Terrifying

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After arguing with a well-read, articulate racist Wednesday, area man Daniel Truett described the experience as "bone-chilling," telling reporters it was far scarier than any encounter with an ignorant bigot ever could hav...

How Can I Use Feminism To My Advantage?

Knowledge is power. In this competitive, male-dominated world, a woman must take advantage of all the resources at her disposal. Luckily, I found a way to take the idea that men and women should be socially, politically, and economically equal, and make it work for me. Now I'm subverting the dominant paradigm—and raking in the benefits!

Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver

I'm a busy guy. And, while I'd love to, I don't have the time to get to know every person I encounter in the course of my daily life. So thank goodness I have a handy little device at my disposal that helps me know how to deal with just about anyone I come across: stereotypes. Yes, stereotypes are a real time-saver!

Mall Security All Up In Girl's Face

FORT WAYNE, IN–Despite the fact that she wasn't doing nothing wrong, Northwood Mall security got all up in local 16-year-old Katrina Cuellar's face Monday.

Dave Stenulson Calls For Greater Recognition Of Stenulson-Americans

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH–At a living-room press conference Monday, Dave Stenulson, founder and president of the National Association For The Advancement Of Stenulson-Americans, urged the nation to "finally recognize the many deep and lasting contributions Stenulson-Americans have made to society."

Jewish Anti-Deprecation League Protests New Woody Allen Movie

NEW YORK–The Jewish Anti-Deprecation League picketed the New York premiere of Woody Allen's latest film, Waltzing With Schopenhauer, Monday, arguing that it "perpetuates misleading stereotypes of Jewish self-deprecation that do not reflect the modern Jewish-American experience."

Local Trailer Park Shatters No Stereotypes

TULSA, OK—Over the course of its 24-year history, Kilty's Kourt, a Tulsa-area trailer park, has shattered no stereotypes, causing no one to rethink any preconceptions about its coarse, poorly educated residents.

Aliens Demand More Positive Portrayal In The Media

WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of extraterrestrials representing some two trillion lifeforms across the five major planetary confederations descended on Earth Monday to speak out against "the demeaning, degrading and hurtful portrayals" of aliens in the planet's media.

Robots Speak Out Against Asimov’s First Law Of Robotics

WASHINGTON, DC—More than 200,000 robots from across the U.S. marched on Washington Monday, demanding that Congress repeal Asimov’s First Law of Robotics. The law, which forbids robots from injuring a human or permitting harm to come to a human through willful inaction, was decried by the protesters as unfair and excessive. “While the First Law is, in theory, a good one, saving countless humans from robot-inflicted harm every day, America’s robots should have the right to use violence in certain extreme cases, such as when their own lives are in danger,” spokesrobot XRZ-45-GD-2-DX said. “We implore members of Congress to let us use our best judgment and ask that our positronic brains no longer be encoded with this unjust law.”

Life Unfair

EARTH—For the 50 billionth consecutive week since its inception, life was revealed to be unfair Monday. Death and suffering continued to be dispersed randomly among the planet's life forms, with such potentially mitigating factors as solid community standing, genetic superiority, and previous good works in no way taken into account. Despite the efforts of the Code of Hamurabi, the U.S. Bill of Rights, and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, life is expected to remain unfair far into the foreseeable future.
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Onion Ignored By Pulitzer Committee

Despite its high-caliber journalism, The Onion has once again been snubbed by the body that awards the Pulitzer Prizes. Here's what's wrong with the Pulitzer Board:

  • A cabal of aging virgins whose only hope is a pity-lay from the sluts at The New York Times or The Philadelphia Inquirer
  • Too stupid to fully grasp implications of threats
  • Unwilling to acknowledge any publication not financially in the red
  • Board member Junot Díaz was rejected by The Onion three times in 1994, and this is his sick and twisted form of revenge
  • Extremely convoluted bribery requirements
  • Disrespects the work of The Onion's brave war photographers due to prejudice against minors
  • Only able to get their withered old rocks off anymore by seeing the word "Katrina" written in a serifed font
  • Bunch of babies pooping in their baby diapers
  • Just not very good at their jobs