Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

CHICAGO—Some residents reported seeing the black guy waving wildly and quoting from the Bible, while others said they spotted him shouting about global warming.

Dec. 10, 1936

FDR Rummages Through Parents' House to 'See if There's Anything in There America Could Use'

June 29, 1919

President Wilson Calls For Creation Of Useless World Governing Body

Abraham Lincoln's DNA Now Available Over The Counter

DC—Responding to pressure from vocal consumer groups and gene-gineering giant Merck-Maibatsu-Pfizer Monday, the FDA announced it will allow the DNA of America's 16th president to be sold without a doctor's prescription. "The legalization of OTC Abe is great news for expectant parents, gene-therapy patients, and history buffs," said MMP marketing director Wayne Lincoln. "Americans will no longer be shackled by the genetic heritage of their forefathers, a tyranny of flesh which condemns all men to be created equal. Now, four score and seven credits will ensure that presidential DNA for the people shall not vanish from the earth." Those using Lincoln's DNA are warned that side effects may include mild gigantism, arthritis, and severe depression.
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What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency:

  • Q: What will happen to women’s reproductive rights?

    A: Trump will preserve a woman’s right to choose between vaginal delivery or cesarean section.

  • Q: How will Trump handle the press?

    A: All journalists will retain their right to a fair trial and court-appointed attorney.

  • Q: What about minorities who feel targeted by Trump’s rhetoric?

    A: Voters have already decided this does not matter.

  • Q: What will Trump do about foreign conflicts?

    A: Trump has not shared any details about how he will escalate conflicts overseas.

  • Q: What does this mean for our European allies?

    A: Jesus Christ, we can’t be worrying about them right now.

  • Q: This is all just going to seem more and more normal every day, isn’t it?

    A: Nah. You’re going to be weirded out every day.

  • Q: What could be the consequence of Donald Trump’s climate policy?

    A: I’m sorry, which climate policy are you referring to, exactly?

  • Q: He won’t take away my guns, will he?

    A: What? No. Do you just think that about everyone?

  • Q: How will his tax plans affect me?

    A: You’ll be fine so long as you identify as an estate.

  • Q: Will Trump legalize marijuana?

    A: If this is what you’re worried about, things are probably going to be just fine for you.

  • Q: Will I be four whole years older when this all ends?

    A: Yes.

  • Q: How are you holding up?

    A: Not great. But thanks for asking.


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