Baby-Faced, Muscular Jimmy Carter Tells Democratic Convention The Future Of Medicine Is Bright

Top Headlines


Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

CHICAGO—Some residents reported seeing the black guy waving wildly and quoting from the Bible, while others said they spotted him shouting about global warming.

Dec. 10, 1936

FDR Rummages Through Parents' House to 'See if There's Anything in There America Could Use'

June 29, 1919

President Wilson Calls For Creation Of Useless World Governing Body

Abraham Lincoln's DNA Now Available Over The Counter

DC—Responding to pressure from vocal consumer groups and gene-gineering giant Merck-Maibatsu-Pfizer Monday, the FDA announced it will allow the DNA of America's 16th president to be sold without a doctor's prescription. "The legalization of OTC Abe is great news for expectant parents, gene-therapy patients, and history buffs," said MMP marketing director Wayne Lincoln. "Americans will no longer be shackled by the genetic heritage of their forefathers, a tyranny of flesh which condemns all men to be created equal. Now, four score and seven credits will ensure that presidential DNA for the people shall not vanish from the earth." Those using Lincoln's DNA are warned that side effects may include mild gigantism, arthritis, and severe depression.

The New Lincoln Museum

The high-tech Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum opened in Springfield, IL last week. What are some of its exhibits?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next


Election 2016

More Election Coverage

Baby-Faced, Muscular Jimmy Carter Tells Democratic Convention The Future Of Medicine Is Bright

PHILADELPHIA—Striding energetically onto the stage in shorts and a taut tank top, a baby-faced, muscle-bound Jimmy Carter, 91, reportedly told attendees at the Democratic National Convention Thursday that the future of medicine is exceedingly bright. “The medical advances we’ve made in recent years are astounding, and I’m thrilled to say that the decades to come will only bring greater breakthroughs,” said the brawny, youthful-looking 39th president of the United States, punctuating his statement that medical technology is poised to reach greater and greater heights by raising his arms into the air and showing off his bulging 25-inch biceps. “And for this reason, I believe it’s imperative we elect someone like Hillary Clinton who will continue to invest in cutting-edge medical research, so that all Americans have the opportunity to live long, happy, and healthy lives.” Sources confirmed the chiseled nonagenarian then concluded his speech by making his sinewy pectoral muscles alternatingly bounce up and down for several minutes.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close