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Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

Public Assured Escaped Convict Has 24 Years Of Rehabilitation Under His Belt

CREST HILL, IL—While alerting the public Thursday that inmate Leonard Sawyer had escaped from the facility during the night and was currently at large, officials from Stateville Correctional Center sought to assuage local residents’ concerns by emphasizing that the convict has 24 years of rehabilitation under his belt.

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Revelations Of The Declassified CIA Torture Report

After years of delays amid concern that releasing the information could incite violence against Americans, the Senate Intelligence Committee published a report Tuesday detailing the CIA’s use of often brutal enhanced interrogation techniques on t...
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Sullen Jeff Sessions Scrolls Through Minority Incarceration Statistics To Cheer Self Up

WASHINGTON—Needing a pick-me-up to shake his glum mood, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly scrolled through some statistics about minority incarceration rates Thursday to cheer himself up. “African-Americans: 13 percent of overall population, 40 percent of population in jails or state or federal prisons,” said Sessions, the tension slowly draining from his neck and shoulders as he read that about 75 percent of drug offenders in federal prison were either Hispanic or black. “African-Americans are approximately five times more likely to be incarcerated than whites. Hispanics are twice as likely to be incarcerated as whites—only twice? We can do better than that, but I’m not going to get all stressed out again.” At press time, Sessions was reportedly feeling so refreshed, he decided to save the statistics on police shootings of minorities for another time.

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