Report: Murderer Who Escaped In 1996 Remains Most Successful Case Of Prisoner Reintegration

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Revelations Of The Declassified CIA Torture Report

After years of delays amid concern that releasing the information could incite violence against Americans, the Senate Intelligence Committee published a report Tuesday detailing the CIA’s use of often brutal enhanced interrogation techniques on t...
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Report: Murderer Who Escaped In 1996 Remains Most Successful Case Of Prisoner Reintegration

ROSEBURG, WA—Noting that the fugitive has surpassed all expectations for former inmates, sources confirmed Thursday that local convicted murderer Corey Morris, who escaped from the Idaho State Correctional Center in 1996, remains the nation’s most successful case of prisoner reintegration. “By securing gainful employment under an assumed name and holding onto it for nearly two decades after breaking out, Mr. Morris has achieved more stability in his life than the vast majority of his peers,” said prison reform advocate Julie Benson, noting that the man who spent his first weeks of freedom hiding in the woods before altering his physical appearance and crossing into a different state has reacclimated to the outside world with unusual deftness. “Not only has Mr. Morris maintained a healthy relationship with his new wife and children and become an active member of the community, but he’s also attended classes at the local community college to earn an associate degree. He’s a total outlier among formerly incarcerated individuals.” At press time, Benson was reportedly counseling several prisoners to follow the good example set by Morris and get their lives back together by fleeing prison through a laundry chute.