Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

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New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line. “The three-speed vibrating cotton tip of the new E-Swab is great for everyday cleaning or for breaking up stubborn earwax buildup,” Unilever spokesman Tim Werner said at a press conference, adding that the swab could fully charge overnight via an AC adapter plugged into the stem. “Finally, at long last, the Q-tip has caught up with the 21st century!” Werner went on to say that the new swab would be sold in packs of 200 for approximately $5,000.