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Poland Spring Develops New Eco-Friendly Bottle That Only Takes 300 Years To Decompose

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Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

Detroit Begs Nation To Just Give It Something, Anything, To Manufacture

‘Refrigerators, Towels, Whatever You Want,’ Residents Say

DETROIT—Emphasizing that its workforce and facilities were just waiting for the go-ahead to start up production, the city of Detroit pleaded with the American people Tuesday to just give it something—anything at all, really—to manufacture.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.
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Poland Spring Develops New Eco-Friendly Bottle That Only Takes 300 Years To Decompose

POLAND, ME—Underscoring the company’s commitment to preserving the environment, Poland Spring announced Tuesday it had developed a new eco-friendly water bottle that decomposes in just 300 years. “With our new eco-friendly plastic packaging, your discarded Poland Spring bottle will break down and be reclaimed by the earth in a mere three centuries—that’s almost 200 years faster than the industry standard,” said company spokesperson Dana Rodgers, noting that the change would begin saving space in landfills, reducing ocean waste, and cutting down on toxic chemicals leached into the soil as early as 2316. “You can breathe easy when purchasing refreshing Poland Spring water knowing that you’ll be leaving this world a cleaner, greener place for your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren.” Officials added that the company was also working on a new smaller and less obstructive bottle cap that would moderately lengthen the amount of time a marine mammal would live after accidentally ingesting it.

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