ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.
ARLINGTON, VA—Touting it as an easy and effective way to superficially connect with Latino voters, education technology company Rosetta Stone unveiled Tuesday a new Spanish language program exclusively for pandering presidential hopefuls.
CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.
NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting the product’s ability to veer dramatically from the barrel of a handgun with impeccable precision, Winchester Repeating Arms officials unveiled a new 9mm stray bullet Monday that the company vows will hit innocent bystanders.
ATLANTA—In a bold and highly coordinated predawn raid that has taken the marketing world by surprise, soft-drink brand Fresca reportedly seized control of the strategically valuable 18-to-34-year-old demographic early Tuesday.
DETROIT—Free to produce generic versions of the product after DoorBlocker’s 20-year patent ran out last month, hundreds of businesses have begun distributing cheap, off-brand doorstops to retail outlets nationwide, industry analysts confirmed Tuesday.
WHIPPANY, NJ—Touting the product’s ability to combat common seasonal and year-round allergens, pharmaceutical manufacturer Bayer introduced Wednesday its new Claritin flamethrower capable of incinerating whatever is causing one’s allergies.
SAN DIEGO—Noting that their store was the only game in town for the poor bastards stopping in, employees at the St. Margaret Hospital gift shop told reporters Tuesday they figured they could easily soak customers for 30 bucks a pop on the “I’m Thinking Of You” teddy bears.
CINCINNATI—Laying out a new marketing strategy to reach customers and promote their brand, skin care giant Olay announced plans Thursday to run just enough nonjudgmental ads to get women to let their guard down before it absolutely nails them with body shame.
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TOKYO—Saying it was simply time for drivers to move on, Toyota Motor Corp. issued a recall of its entire 1993 Camry model line Wednesday due to the fact that its owners really should have bought something new by now.
HUDSON, WI—Making engine noises with his mouth as he guided a model bulldozer toward a Hot Wheels racetrack play set, local 5-year-old Dylan Walde was reportedly unaware Wednesday just how many of his toys have been purchased to steer him away from one day adopting a homosexual lifestyle.
NEW YORK—Saying that women no longer need to settle for plain, drab internal tissue, the cosmetics brand Maybelline introduced a new line of injectable makeup this week to enhance the appearance of wearers’ organs.
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...
SAN LEANDRO, CA—Acknowledging that he has reached a stage in his life when he doesn’t quite seem to fit in anywhere, marketing experts confirmed Monday that local consumer Keith Eberhardt, 34, is entering that awkward period of transition betw...
RADNOR, PA—Explaining that the child’s fever, nausea, and general discomfort were “completely normal” following his recent exposure to the substance, pediatricians at Radnor Health Associates informed the parents of local 5-year-ol...
RACINE, WI—Touting its powerful, partially non-toxic cleaning agents, household products manufacturer SC Johnson released a new carpet cleaner this week specially designed to be safe for pets that were meant to go on living.
NEW YORK—In an effort to cater to a long-neglected demographic, global cosmetics brand L’Oréal released Sheer Discretion this week, a new line of makeup specially designed for men to wear when their wives are not home.
CINCINNATI—In an effort to reach out to first-time paper towel users, Procter & Gamble introduced a beginner series of its Bounty paper towel brand Tuesday specifically designed to assist novices in acclimating to the household cleaning product....
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, 23 percent of Americans would vote for Jeb Bush in the presidential election if the Republican candidate was standing directly beside them in the voting booth.