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Real Estate

Renting Vs. Owning A Home

In today’s economy, many younger people are reluctant or unable to take the plunge and purchase property, though renting one’s home comes with its own share of disadvantages. Here is a side-by-side comparison of renting versus buying a home

New to the market!

Lovely two-bedroom, one-bath condo, carefully renovated to retain the intoxicating scent of previous tenant Lisa.

Uncooperative Seller!

Three bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, two-car garage, and one seller who will change their mind at least four times during the sale process and will likely dispute the transaction if it ever goes through.

Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season.

Home Sales Dropping

For the third straight month, sales on preexisting homes dropped, leading realtors to call it a "buyer's market." Here are some strategies sellers...

Iraqi Homeowner To Wait A While Before Re-Shingling Roof

BAGHDAD—Homeowner Aftab Shamoun, 34, announced Monday that he will likely wait "just a little while" before moving ahead with plans to re-shingle the roof of his Baghdad home. "Now may not be the best time to put on those nice new ceramic shingles," said Shamoun, whose roof was damaged in a wind storm last November. "Heck, I've been putting it off for so long, a few more months won't hurt." Despite putting the shingling project on the back burner, Shamoun said he plans to spend next weekend insulating his front windows with energy-efficient plywood boards.

Business Card Confirms Real-Estate Salesman Is Eddie Money

STOCKTON, CA—The suspicions of house hunters Paul and Gail Barnett were confirmed Tuesday when a business card revealed that the Century 21 agent showing them a two-bedroom split-level ranch was indeed rocker Eddie Money. "He looked just like the guy who sang 'Two Tickets To Paradise,' but I figured it must just be somebody who resembles him," Gail said. "But then, right there on the card, it said 'Edward Money.'" Gail praised Money for his thoroughness and professionalism.

Home-Buying Up Among Lame-O's

WASHINGTON, DC—In the first quarter of 2002, sales of new U.S. homes rose 5.3 percent among Dockers-wearing, Pictionary-playing lame-o's, the Commerce Department reported Monday.

Home-Buying Tips

Buying a home is one of the biggest investments a person makes in life. Here are some tips to help you make the right decision.

Man Builds House He Designed When He Was Eight Years Old

LODI, CA–A lifelong dream was realized Monday following the completion of "Fort Awesome," the high-tech home of the future Lodi architect Don Reese designed as an 8-year-old boy. "My dream is at last a reality," said the 36-year-old Reese, cutting the ribbon on the 10-room, 16-story mansion, which boasts a rooftop trampoline, seven free soda machines, and a McDonald's. "From this day forth, let Fort Awesome serve as a citadel of fun and excitement for all to enjoy. Except Dougie Wendell." A $5 million laser-guided trap-door system was installed to protect the home from infiltration by Wendell, a onetime Reese playmate who is now an actuary in Danbury, CT.

Previous Tenant Clearly Not Bothered By Mildew

YPSILANTI, MI—According to new tenant Patricia Croland, the previous occupant of Apt. 12C at 208 Hill Street was clearly not the least bit bothered by mildew. "Wow," said Croland, who moved into the apartment Monday. "Somebody out there obviously doesn't have a problem with thick layers of white fungus." Among other things that apparently did not disturb the previous tenant: large black stains on carpets, painted-shut windows, pubic hairs on doorknobs, and overpowering rotting-bologna stenches in refrigerators.
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Asshole Moves To Part Of City Where All The Assholes Live

NEW YORK—Saying the area felt like the “perfect fit” for him, local asshole Kyle Howard expressed his excitement Wednesday at moving to the part of the city where all the assholes live. “I’m really glad I moved here [among every other asshole in the city],” said the 31-year-old asshole, who, given his completely assholeish hobbies and interests, had long desired to live in the neighborhood of assholes. “There are so many great [asshole] restaurants and a ton of really convenient [asshole] stores right outside my door. I can’t wait to get settled in and [be a complete and unrepentant asshole alongside pricks, bastards, and fuckers exactly like me]. I already feel at home.” At press time, the total asshole had reportedly met an asshole woman at a local coffee shop that specifically caters to assholes.

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