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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.
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Callaway 9 Iron Once Again Named Golf Digest’s Best Club For Smashing In Cheating Ex’s Windshield

DES MOINES, IA–After exhaustive testing of nearly every style and design on the market, the Callaway 9 Iron was once again named by Golf Digest on Monday the best golf club for smashing in the windshield of a cheating ex. “Factoring in qualities like shatter radius, overhead swing speed, and shock absorption, the Callaway 9 Iron continues to set itself apart as the ideal club to batter the windshield of an unfaithful former lover,” read the highly anticipated study conducted annually for the world’s wronged partners seeking even just the slightest edge to their windshield smashing abilities. “The lightweight shaft and mid-sized clubface offer superior control and force of impact that few competitors can match. Whether the adulterous old flame’s car is parked, moving forward, or skidding away in reverse, no club is better suited to puncture and destroy their windshield than the Callaway 9 Iron.” The magazine’s study also found the Ping Vault to be the best putter for children to pretend to use as a cane while walking around the driveway.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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