adBlockCheck

Married Couple Longs For Days When They Only Quietly Resented One Another

Top Headlines

relationships

Report: 92% Of Americans Would Have Gotten Over Ex By Now

AUSTIN, TX—Explaining how they would have moved on with their lives a long time ago, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Texas revealed that more than 90 percent of Americans would have easily gotten over their ex-partner by now.

Romantic Gesture Too Expensive To Waste On Current Girlfriend

HARRISBURG, PA—Claiming that the price of the incredible idea far exceeded his emotional investment in his relationship, local man Alex Ramsey said Wednesday that an extravagant romantic gesture he has in mind is too expensive to waste on his current girlfriend.

Breakup Survival Tips

Everyone goes through breakups, but learning how to deal with your feelings and find closure can help you get over your split in a healthy, productive way. Here are some tips for surviving your breakup and moving on from your relationship

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Boyfriend Plans Magical Evening Down To First Detail

MANSFIELD, OH—Having proposed that they spend a night out together, the boyfriend of local woman Cassandra Stephenson is said to have planned a magical evening for the two of them down to the very first detail, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Married Couple Longs For Days When They Only Quietly Resented One Another

FARRAGUT, TN—Struggling to recall the last time they stifled even a small grievance they harbored toward the other, local married couple Angela and David Lochrie admitted to reporters Thursday they often long for the bygone days when they were just quietly resentful of one another. “Back when we were young and first moved in together, I remember how I would just roll my eyes or mutter some passive-aggressive comment under my breath as I walked out of the room after David said or did something that bothered me—but those days are long gone now,” said Angela Lochrie, fondly recalling the early years of her marriage when she and her husband would at most let out an aggravated sigh or silently flip the other off behind their back rather than escalate every frustration into a shouting match. “It’s hard to believe there was once a time when I would just think to myself that David was a lazy, selfish asshole, instead of saying it so loud you could hear it throughout the house. These days, though, I guess we’re so used to sharply belittling each other and slamming doors in disgust that I don’t know if we can ever recapture that quiet bitterness of our youth.” Despite their wistfulness for earlier times, the couple said they regularly marvel at how they have been able to keep a passionate flame of disdain burning between them for so many years.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close