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God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

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Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entire planet Jupiter into His mouth.

How To Join The Priesthood

With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest

Pope Francis Lays Hands On Ailing U.S. Infrastructure

NEW YORK—Treating the frail, long-overlooked structures with an unparalleled display of compassion, Pope Francis reportedly inspired a crowd of onlookers Friday by laying his hands upon the ailing United States infrastructure.

Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary

Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit

God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion

THE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And Unseen, proclaimed Monday that He would begin slowly weaning humanity off religion.
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God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers. “Aw, jeez, where are they? I need those things!” said the Lord, cursing Himself out for having been so careless with the velvet satchel containing the seven gemstones that endow Him with omniscience, immortality, control over weather, and a number of other divine abilities. “I’ve kept those damn crystals right by my side every day since I found them a few hundred millennia ago, and now I don’t know where in the hell they could be. I can’t perform a single miracle without them, much less rule over all the kingdoms of the Earth. Come on!” At press time, God reportedly appeared relieved upon realizing He had left them in the pocket of His other robe.

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