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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entire planet Jupiter into His mouth.
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Expert On International Jewish Conspiracy Has Never Been More Than 40 Miles Outside Council Bluffs, Iowa

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—As he trumpeted his comprehensive knowledge of the manifold ways that the religious group has colluded to consolidate global power, sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Will Logan, an expert on the international Jewish conspiracy, has never been more than 40 miles outside of Council Bluffs, IA. “The banks, the media, Hollywood—they control it all,” said Logan, a leading authority on the shadowy cabal of Jewry that spans every nation on earth, as well as a man who has never ventured as far as Des Moines, driven for more than an hour in any direction, or boarded an airplane. “They write all the laws themselves and just hand them to the politicians. All those elected officials, they’re just puppets.” Logan, who has also never read a history book, later described how the conspiracy went back centuries.

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Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

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