Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window

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God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion

THE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And Unseen, proclaimed Monday that He would begin slowly weaning humanity off religion.

God Realizes He Forgot To Put Souls In Humans

THE HEAVENS—While pacing across His Eternal Kingdom on Friday, the Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, suddenly realized He had forgotten to provide human beings with souls, sources from on high reported.
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Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window

VATICAN CITY—Hurrying outside after hearing a disturbingly loud thud against the side of the church, Pope Francis was reportedly left to clean up the remains of a dead angel Monday that flew straight into one of the Sistine Chapel’s windows. “It’s really sad; it seems like one of these guys crashes into a window at least once a week,” said the pontiff, who appeared visibly distressed while sweeping up the feathers scattered around the angel’s lifeless body. “Most of the time, their necks break and they die instantly, but once in a while they’re still twitching a bit. That’s when I find it’s best to put them out of their misery with a shovel.” At press time, the Bishop of Rome was attempting to scrape off an angel splattered on the windshield of the Popemobile.