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God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru

‘He’ll Do Anything The Rishi Tells Him,’ Say Concerned Heavenly Sources

THE HEAVENS—Increasingly worried by the changes they have noticed in the supreme deity’s behavior, heavenly sources expressed concern Thursday that God, Our Holy Father, was falling under the influence of a self-styled spiritual guru calling himself “the Rishi.”

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Pope Francis Rides Into St. Peter’s Square On Giant Glowing Lamb For Easter Mass

VATICAN CITY—Emphatically asking the crowd if they were “ready to embrace the redemption offered in the blood of Christ” as pipe organ hymns blasted from the speaker system and multicolored, laser-projected doves fluttered across the buildings’ stone facades, Pope Francis reportedly rode into St. Peter’s Square Sunday atop a giant gleaming lamb to deliver Easter Mass.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs

THE HEAVENS—Lamenting that the mass extinction event wiped out the reptiles too soon, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Monday that He has recently been getting a strong desire to bring back the dinosaurs.

Heaven Prepares For Huge Rush Of College Kids Over Spring Break

THE HEAVENS—Saying this was by far the realm’s most hectic time of year, angelic sources told reporters Monday that the Eternal Paradise of Heaven is in a frenzy of activity due to preparations for the massive influx of college students expected over the spring break holidays.
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God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan. “It seems like such a fascinating culture, and I’m excited to try sushi in the country that started it all,” said the Divine Creator, adding that while He only knew a few words of Japanese, He had read online that the people there were generally happy to help out a visitor, even if they didn’t know English themselves. “I have to do the bullet train—I think it goes 200 mph or something like that—and maybe I can get tickets to a sumo match. I also think it’ll be fun to just wander around and look at interesting stuff. I’ve heard you can get pretty much anything from a vending machine.” At press time, God had booked a two-week vacation and was researching tips for minimizing jet lag.

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