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Pope Francis Rides Into St. Peter’s Square On Giant Glowing Lamb For Easter Mass

VATICAN CITY—Emphatically asking the crowd if they were “ready to embrace the redemption offered in the blood of Christ” as pipe organ hymns blasted from the speaker system and multicolored, laser-projected doves fluttered across the buildings’ stone facades, Pope Francis reportedly rode into St. Peter’s Square Sunday atop a giant gleaming lamb to deliver Easter Mass.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs

THE HEAVENS—Lamenting that the mass extinction event wiped out the reptiles too soon, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Monday that He has recently been getting a strong desire to bring back the dinosaurs.

Heaven Prepares For Huge Rush Of College Kids Over Spring Break

THE HEAVENS—Saying this was by far the realm’s most hectic time of year, angelic sources told reporters Monday that the Eternal Paradise of Heaven is in a frenzy of activity due to preparations for the massive influx of college students expected over the spring break holidays.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican. “God bless you, Mr. Trump!” said Vincenzo Endrizzi, an ordained pastor from the blue-collar Southern archdiocese of Lecce, who was clad in a well-worn cassock dirtied from spending hard hours leading worship and who was seen sipping sacramental wine from a koozie while holding up a handmade sign denouncing the “Holy See deep state.” “We need leaders like you to take on the blasphemous bureaucrats. We’ll get rid of this cuck pope real quick and put a maverick in the papal apartment!” At press time, a number of the archbishops, many of whom were heard shouting slurs against the Eastern Orthodox Church, had begun clashing with a group of younger cosmopolitan deacons who had gathered outside the Sistine Chapel to protest the president’s visit.

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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

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