Pope Francis Rides Into St. Peter’s Square On Giant Glowing Lamb For Easter Mass

VATICAN CITY—Emphatically asking the crowd if they were “ready to embrace the redemption offered in the blood of Christ” as pipe organ hymns blasted from the speaker system and multicolored, laser-projected doves fluttered across the buildings’ stone facades, Pope Francis reportedly rode into St. Peter’s Square Sunday atop a giant gleaming lamb to deliver Easter Mass.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs

THE HEAVENS—Lamenting that the mass extinction event wiped out the reptiles too soon, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Monday that He has recently been getting a strong desire to bring back the dinosaurs.

Heaven Prepares For Huge Rush Of College Kids Over Spring Break

THE HEAVENS—Saying this was by far the realm’s most hectic time of year, angelic sources told reporters Monday that the Eternal Paradise of Heaven is in a frenzy of activity due to preparations for the massive influx of college students expected over the spring break holidays.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges

ROME—Complaining that He had better things to do than get up early to contest the “totally bullshit” claims, Jesus Christ, Light of the World and Lamb of God, reportedly appeared in Roman Municipal Court on Wednesday to face several 2,000-year-old riot charges. “Like, I wasn’t even in Jerusalem during the Cleansing of the Temple, so I have no clue why I’m being accused of all this stuff,” said Christ, who elected to represent Himself in the proceedings, during which He forcefully denied a series of millennia-old allegations including disturbing the peace by overturning the tables of moneylenders, incitement to riot by pouring out their coins, and flouting Roman open-container laws by carrying a chalice of red wine in the streets of Galilee. “I’ve been getting these harassing summons letters every three weeks for, like, thousands of years, but how can you expect me to show up when I haven’t been anywhere near the earthly realm in forever? Well, I’m here now, so maybe when the judge is done with his little power trip, he can show me the slightest bit of evidence that I broke even one single law. This is such blatant fascism, it’s not even funny.” At press time, Christ had begrudgingly agreed to plead guilty to a single misdemeanor charge and pay a fine of 500 Roman denarii.

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