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God Planning To Get Rid Of Harsh Shadows By Adding Second Sun

THE HEAVENS—Saying the additional light source would help soften the often stark look of the earthly realm, God, Our Holy Father, told reporters Monday that He was planning to add a second sun to eliminate some harsh shadows that have been bothering him.

Heaven Adds Guardrail After Fifth Angel Plunges Over Edge

THE HEAVENS—Responding to concerns about the safety of the celestial domain, a spokesperson for God confirmed Monday that guardrails were being added along the perimeter of the Kingdom of Heaven after a fifth angel plunged over its edge in as many months.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru

‘He’ll Do Anything The Rishi Tells Him,’ Say Concerned Heavenly Sources

THE HEAVENS—Increasingly worried by the changes they have noticed in the supreme deity’s behavior, heavenly sources expressed concern Thursday that God, Our Holy Father, was falling under the influence of a self-styled spiritual guru calling himself “the Rishi.”

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Pope Francis Rides Into St. Peter’s Square On Giant Glowing Lamb For Easter Mass

VATICAN CITY—Emphatically asking the crowd if they were “ready to embrace the redemption offered in the blood of Christ” as pipe organ hymns blasted from the speaker system and multicolored, laser-projected doves fluttered across the buildings’ stone facades, Pope Francis reportedly rode into St. Peter’s Square Sunday atop a giant gleaming lamb to deliver Easter Mass.
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Recently Canonized Martyr Added To Vatican’s Animatronic Hall Of Saints

VATICAN CITY—Bringing the tragic story of his righteous sacrifice to life, recently canonized martyr Salomone Leclercq on Friday was added to the Vatican Museum’s Animatronic Hall of Saints. “This newest addition allows visitors to experience the courage of the godly man who was murdered for refusing to swear an oath to the secular government following the French Revolution, as told through our astonishingly realistic robots,” said the museum’s curator Bishop Marcello Sandri, explaining that Leclercq, canonized by Pope Francis in October 2016, would be showcased alongside animatronic recreations of Thomas Becket being hacked to pieces and Joan of Arc writhing in pain as she is burned at the stake. “As with all the saints in the attraction, guests will be able to press a button and learn about Leclercq’s life and the miracles credited to him, all while watching him being run through with a sword over and over.” At press time, the exhibit was closed while the museum upgraded the lions devouring St. Ignatius of Antioch.

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God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.

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